52 years new

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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mamittuk
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Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:46 pm

52 years new

Post by mamittuk »

Hello

I am new here, 52 years old, and am experiencing something very strange. My dad passed away this year. I don't feel much of anything in terms of specific sadness or grief, but instead, just symptoms. Not sure how to describe them other than they are hard to articulate. He suffered violent mood swings, had sadistic tendencies, so growing up hurt.

I am stuck on the time I was very, very, sick with asthma (as a child). It took all my energy to get the next breath of air into my lungs. In those days, asthma was believed to be a psychological issue. Everyone in my family said it was in my head. On this particular occasion, dad stood over me as I gasped for each breath and he said I was just being sensitive, there was nothing wrong with me and that he was not going to do one damn thing to help me. He was more concerned with having to pay for medicine. I thought I was going to die that day.

To this day, insult to injury is a huge trigger for me. It hurts every inch of my being. Injustice is also a huge trigger. How can I grieve the loss of a father who would rather have seen me die than spend money on medication?

I have read some of the stories here, and my heart aches. I am so angry at all the abusers. What causes this? How can there be so many deliberate abusers out there? I am so sorry to everyone here who is struggling. I wish I could encompass everyone in warmth and safety and make the pain go away. Life should not be this way. Life is meant to be celebrated, not suffered. Sending white warmth and light to everyone and as we unite, together our strength can only heal.
Last edited by Jonesy on Fri Oct 20, 2017 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: ChNged ST to MT
there
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: 52 years new

Post by there »

Hi, mamittuk,
I like your name.
I'm sorry to read how your father mistreated you. I can only imagine how frightening and hurtful that was.

I guess grief comes in many ways, and in no particular way. I guess just honoring whatever feelings you have about him is one way to grieve. And there may be grief for what you needed and had a right to expect, but didn't get. Just some thoughts from my own life and my parents' passing.

Abuse to me, seems so senseless. At some point, after I've understood what I can, I just have to conclude that I can probably never get my head around why. I can choose to accept the fact of it with some serenity. I can do my best to not be an abuser. I can even speak up about it when I see it. That's the hardest one for me.

I'm sad that you were abused, but I'm glad that you came here.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Xanthia
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Posts: 3094
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: 52 years new

Post by Xanthia »

Hi Mamittuk,

Welcome to our friendly neighbourhood.

Really great to meet you, although sad for the reasons you are here.

May you have the support you deserve and want.

Warm regards,
Xanthia
iwillthrive

Re: 52 years new

Post by iwillthrive »

Both of my children have asthma. I have seen them struggle to breathe and it terrifies me. I can only try to imagine what it must feel like to not get air. I'm sorry your father was cruel to you. Especially when you were struggling to breathe. That makes me angry for you.

I hope that sharing here brings you some peace.

iwillthrive
Ashia
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Joined: Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:42 pm

Re: 52 years new

Post by Ashia »

Hi mamittuk

You ask some interesting questions.

I think grief is different for everyone and can be complicated by a number of factors. I would think it's harder again, or probably differently difficult, when an abuser dies. It's ok to feel however you feel. There's no right or wrong when it comes to grief. Your dad hurt you and scared you. It's understandable that you'd have mixed feelings over his death. Personally I don't see grief as being about the person who has died. It's about processing whatever feelings you have. It doesn't have to be about honouring your dad if you don't want it to be. It can be about honouring you, your feelings, your child self. You deserve to be heard, so do write here more if it helps.

With much caring
Ashia
mamittuk
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Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:46 pm

Re: 52 years new

Post by mamittuk »

Thank you everyone, for your kind words. Just posting this and hearing words of support has helped me to process this. (As opposed to carrying a ball of pain inside).

I am thankful that as a society, we have come a long way in understanding physical and emotional health. I clearly remember the day, (was in my 20s), when they identified the gene that caused asthma. I was so happy to hear it was finally going to be taken seriously.

Thank you. :D
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