My first post
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
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My first post
Hi, I'm new to this forum. I'm in my forties, have a successful career, a husband and a young child, and always thought the abuse I suffered during childhood wasn't that bad, and that I'd escaped it and moved on. There was only one instance of PA that I clearly remember, so that means I wasn't really PA-ed (this is what I told myself) and the abuse was only VA and EA, so it wasn't really that bad (I told myself to believe). It turns out I was wrong.
My life is imploding. My marriage is falling apart, and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Since the birth of my daughter, I've experienced more and more anxiety, and have, unknowingly, stopped doing anything that triggered any negative emotion in me. No books with sad endings. No shows with any kind of violence whatsoever. Building a wall around myself, shutting my husband out. Not going out as much as I used to. On some days, having trouble getting out of the house at all.
I've recently started to put the abuse I suffered in context - - I think because my daughter is now the age I think I was when it started - - and I realize how awful it was. I'm remembering things more vividly and I'm in pain. I realized for the first time a few weeks ago that I was SA-ed by my father. Memories are coming back. I've just started EMDR, and I'm clinging to the hope that it will help me be a more fully functioning person.
I am so glad to have found this forum. In reading your posts, I realize that I'm not alone. Right now, I really need to feel that I'm not alone.
-chickadee
My life is imploding. My marriage is falling apart, and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Since the birth of my daughter, I've experienced more and more anxiety, and have, unknowingly, stopped doing anything that triggered any negative emotion in me. No books with sad endings. No shows with any kind of violence whatsoever. Building a wall around myself, shutting my husband out. Not going out as much as I used to. On some days, having trouble getting out of the house at all.
I've recently started to put the abuse I suffered in context - - I think because my daughter is now the age I think I was when it started - - and I realize how awful it was. I'm remembering things more vividly and I'm in pain. I realized for the first time a few weeks ago that I was SA-ed by my father. Memories are coming back. I've just started EMDR, and I'm clinging to the hope that it will help me be a more fully functioning person.
I am so glad to have found this forum. In reading your posts, I realize that I'm not alone. Right now, I really need to feel that I'm not alone.
-chickadee
Last edited by Xanthia on Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to MT
Reason: Changed ST to MT
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
chickadee
chickadee
Re: My first post
Chickadee,
You aren't alone. It's so hard when the memories first come. I'm sorry for what you have been through. Hoping you find support here and in your world.
Wishing you peace... iwillthrive
You aren't alone. It's so hard when the memories first come. I'm sorry for what you have been through. Hoping you find support here and in your world.
Wishing you peace... iwillthrive
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Re: My first post
Dear chickadee,
You did a great job posting your story. That was brave. Now welcome to our safe forum. You are so welcome here. We understand your experience here. It is amazing the impact after so many years isn't it? The good news is that with processing your memories and work and time you can heal. It is possible to feel better. Lots of folks are here at the site in all various states of healing. Yes it really was that bad. No comparing and no prizes given for the worst story. It is all tragic. I do think it becomes more powerful when our children become the age we were at the time of abuse. It is like the image of those innocents being hurt as we were becomes to real. It is too much to bear alone. Isurvive is company for the healing journey.
with care,
Harmony
You did a great job posting your story. That was brave. Now welcome to our safe forum. You are so welcome here. We understand your experience here. It is amazing the impact after so many years isn't it? The good news is that with processing your memories and work and time you can heal. It is possible to feel better. Lots of folks are here at the site in all various states of healing. Yes it really was that bad. No comparing and no prizes given for the worst story. It is all tragic. I do think it becomes more powerful when our children become the age we were at the time of abuse. It is like the image of those innocents being hurt as we were becomes to real. It is too much to bear alone. Isurvive is company for the healing journey.
with care,
Harmony
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Re: My first post
Hi chickadee,
Welcome to iSurvive, a friendly nook of the Web.
May you find all the help and support you desire and deserve.
With care,
Welcome to iSurvive, a friendly nook of the Web.
May you find all the help and support you desire and deserve.
With care,
Xanthia
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Re: My first post
Thank you for your kind and welcoming words, iwillthrive, Harmony and Xanthia.
-chickadee
-chickadee
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
chickadee
chickadee
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Re: My first post
Hi chickadee
A warm welcome from me too
A warm welcome from me too
You are important
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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Re: My first post
Chickadee, I totally get the whole "it wasn't that bad" thought process! But no matter what it was, it WAS that bad for you. I've just started therapy myself and I can tell you I had no idea what the lasting effects on personality and self esteem were. I figured it was my story, I lived through it, it's over. But the truth is, we've got to actually address it, feel it, face it, and then restructure ourselves because of it.
You can do this. I can do this. We can do this. You are not alone. We are all here for a reason and here, is safe. Thank you for being here with us and sharing your story.
Adia
You can do this. I can do this. We can do this. You are not alone. We are all here for a reason and here, is safe. Thank you for being here with us and sharing your story.
Adia
Last edited by Ashia on Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
Reason: Changed MT to NT
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Re: My first post
Hi adiajacobs,
Thank you for your warm welcome.
chickadee
Thank you for your warm welcome.
chickadee
Last edited by Ashia on Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
Reason: Changed MT to NT
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
chickadee
chickadee