My Story of Abuse

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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juliewr
Member
Posts: 100
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr »

This is really hard for me to write. I have never really spoken about this and certainly have never written it all out. Please give me some grace as I try to write this in a non-confusing way. I may jump around a little as I gather these thoughts.

I am 35 years old and beyond happy married. I have three awesome kids. All of that is great and I wouldn't change any of it. My husband is the most gentle, loving, caring man on the planet. I am a professional with a college degree and a great career that I love. Everything should be fine, but sometimes I get so depressed and anxious over the past that I can hardly function. It is not for long periods of time, sometimes just a few minutes until something pulls me from the memories. Other times I can go a few weeks getting by, but being anxious and sad.

I grew up in Pennsylvania in a pretty conservative religious area. My parents were, and still are, extremely fundamentalist and religious. Spanking was always part of my upbringing, but it was not extreme for most of my life. For example, I was spanked by my parents maybe 15 times before age 15, maybe even less. Most of those were with their hand on my bare butt, long enough to leave some marks for a few hours. A couple of them were with a paddle and twice they were with a belt, also on the bare butt. Those left some marks that lasted longer, but still it was a rare, although severe when it happened, occurrence.

All of that changed when my parents began attending a new church that was very fundamentalist and extreme. Starting just a few weeks after my 15th birthday spankings became ritualized, religious and frequent. My parents would spank me with increasing embarrassment and severity. I went from maybe a spanking a year to at least one spanking a week. These spankings would be for anything they deemed "sinful" from rolling my eyes, grades, dirty bedroom, disrespect, chores not being done to just being a "reminder spanking". Every spanking was done on the bare butt. I would always get a long spanking with their hand to start and then have to be positioned for the paddle or, mostly, the belt. I would get anywhere from 20+ with the paddle to 30 - 75 with the belt. Not only was it severe physically, but also emotionally as they would verbally tell me how awful I was, how I brought this onto myself, how I was making them have to spank me, etc. This was all wrapped in religion with the quoting of verses and repeating of the teachings of the church as I was getting spanked. The positions I was put in were designed for embarrassment, and my parents would come right out as say it. This is why I suggest the abuse was sexual, though they never really sexually touched me. I would have to position myself for the belt in ways that revealed my private areas to them as they spanked me. They would make sure I knew I was "on display" for them as part of it. These spankings happened close to once a week for my last three years of high school, ages 15 - 18. I moved out and got married when I was 18 1/2 and that was the end of them. During that time spanking was not only openly discussed in the church, but celebrated. My parents and my best friends parents were also best friends from the church. There were a number of times, I remember at least 7, where my parents allowed her parents to spank me and my parents spanked her in the same manner I described above.

Today I have virtually no relationship with my parents. My husband knows only that my parents spanked me with a belt on the bare into my late teens, and that is enough for him to have no relationship with them either. My kids barely know them. I have tried a few times to bring it up to them, but they tell me they stand by everything they did. They told me that I deserved what I got and I am a better person for it. They refuse to even consider that I would have any feelings of sexual abuse from what they did. When I mentioned it one time my parents almost slapped me as a married 20-something, but missed and I left. I have since refused to be alone with either of them.

Some days I will have a bad dream of what happened, or something will remind me and I will be a mess. When I say a middle-aged man walking int he store with a belt on, I will sometimes have an anxiety attack. It has caused some issues over the years with intimacy with my husband, but I have tried to work through; for example some intimate positions with him are similar to ones I was spanked in and I can freeze and have a panic attack.

I know this is complicated and hopefully you can follow. I would love any advice or guidance and I have no qualms about answering any questions about any of this. Thanks in advance.
Banana
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Posts: 1244
Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2014 12:21 am

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Banana »

Hi juliewr

Firstly, welcome to isurvive. I truly hope you find this community to be supportive and caring. I know I do! :)

I am so sorry for what happened to you. I really want to reassure you that I do believe you and it makes sense to me that you would consider the spankings to be sexual abuse. I agree with you on that. Sexual abuse doesn't have to involve any physical contact at all. You said that you have had anxiety and panic attacks when seeing a middle-aged man wearing a belt and that makes a lot of sense too. When traumatic things happen to people, they can make associations with what happened with all kinds of things. It really isn't difficult to see why you don't like belts. Have you ever had or considered seeing a therapist? Personally I find having someone completely outside of the situation to talk to is really helpful. Plus therapists have expertise and can help people learn how to manage anxiety. Other than that, I find writing here really helpful.

I hope at least some of what I've said is helpful to you.

With caring
Banana
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia
Harmony
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Harmony »

Dear juliewr,

Wow what a clear and strong first post. Welcome to isurvive. What a brave person you are to face the circumstances of your family's abuse and rise above it. I always remind myself that living well is the best revenge. Your own sweet family is evidence of your strength and courage to go beyond the pain inflicted. You don't have to face this alone. We at isurvive understand the situation well.

There are many of us here who for one reason or another chose to not interact with offending family members. It is your own choice how you live today. Honor your parents means only that you thank them for anything good they offered you. The abusive harmful stuff never requires honoring. If anything may your parents come to realize the real truth one day. Their pigheadedness has cost them the pleasure of their lovely daughter and her beautiful family. Rigid families are often toxic. I know it from experience. We are not destined to live like our parents ugliness.

All that said you do deserve to heal your heart. It sounds like there are still welts there. Can you find a therapist who specializes in trauma or PTSD? It might help you find peace. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the grace to heal.

With care,
Harmony
juliewr
Member
Posts: 100
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr »

I never thought of it in terms of PTSD. That does make some sense.

I will still, for example, feel awkward sometimes getting undressed, even if I am alone! Not always, but a memory may come fluttering back of removing clothes as a teenager for a spanking and the humiliation that came with it. It can be as bad as me freezing and the spanking replaying in my head as I am frozen there half dressed alone in my bedroom. It can then alter my mood for the whole day. Maybe that is a PTSD type of reaction?

I still live in the same town as my parents, though I avoid them at all costs. I did recently run into the friends mom who was also allowed to, and did, give me spankings as a teenager. I almost threw up just seeing her across the store. I quickly left my shopping cart and just walked out empty handed. I almost feel as if she and her husband, even more so than my parents, sexually abused me those times because while being partially naked for your parents at 16/17 years old is humiliating, having to do so for other adults is even worse. They were also a bit more forward than my parents with the sexual humiliation aspect.

I could give details of some specific things they did that were traumatizing sexually without touching that I really struggle with, but I don't know how to do so without maybe being too descriptive and offending or inadvertently breaking a board rule.
reisha
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Posts: 2017
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:00 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by reisha »

hi {juliewr} <-- safe hugs, if ok(?)

welcome to our safe lil corner of the web.
sorry to read of the crap ya endured w/ yer FOO. i think ya wise to not have contact w/ em. are there other folx who can provide the g'folx model for yer kids? - please ignore if not helpful
echoin harmony & banana

may ya find healin here
sendin gentle support
reisha
Member
Posts: 2017
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2014 11:00 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by reisha »

seems we're 'tag-teamin' each other, lol!

its ok to be as graphic as needed - just use the red icon for those posts.
Last edited by Jonesy on Sun Sep 03, 2017 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
juliewr
Member
Posts: 100
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr »

Ok, so here it does then...this is hard for me to write, I have never even spoken this...

So, my parents would always say and were very serious about humiliation being half of the spanking, along with the pain of course. So, as a teenage I would first get spanked by their hand over the lap with my pants and underwear down or off. This happened all the way through age 18. After that, because that was never anything more than a warm up, I would have to go in some sort of position for the paddle, if it was mom, or the belt, if it was dad. Sometimes it was just bending over with my elbows on my bed, the couch or a chair depending where the spanking was happening. That wasn't too revealing. More times than that though I had to get on all 4's, elbows and knees, on my bed and then stick up my butt. This was humiliating and exposed everything. This was my dad's go-to position that he used on my almost every time as a teenager. They would say things like "if i can't see your butt hole the spank doesn't count" to try to make me stay in position when belting me that way. My dad would also sometimes comment on my butt hole and my vagina, saying things about my pubic hair or that my butt hole looks dirty, etc. This was all a part of what I say was sexual abuse without touching.

The friends parents were more forward in that her mom used a position she called diaper. I had to lay on my back and hold my knees to my chest, at age 16, for her to spank me with her hand and then a wooden spoon. She also hit both my butt hole and vagina with the spoon during the spanking on purpose. Other spanking I got from her and her husband were bent over or all 4's, but that one I will never forget. I still have bad dreams about it.

I am sorry if this is not appropriate...I don't know what words I should be using to describe those parts. I apologise if I chose the wrong ones.
Harmony
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Harmony »

Dear juliewr,

You were very brave in telling your story. You are not alone with this. There are others here who have shared your sorts of pain. It is hard to believe that anyone could believe this was correct and proper care of a child. It is so clearly abusive and humiliating. There is nothing any human child could possibly do to "deserve" such treatment. No matter what anyone says this is hurtful and abusive use of force. You were victim of a crime as a kid. You did nothing wrong. They did somethings really wrong. So proud that you are a loving parent today. Breaking the cycle of child abuse is powerful.

With care,
Harmony
juliewr
Member
Posts: 100
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr »

Thanks. It has always been hard for me to think that I didn't do something wrong. My parents always said things like "you deserve this", "your choices are causing you to get this spanking", "you need this spanking to teach you a lesson" and "you asked for this". After doing it they would sometimes make me look at the welts on my butt in the mirror and ask me "was it worth this?" about whatever they spanked me for.

As an adult I have only spoken a couple of times to them about their spankings. It didn't go well and we never got far. The only thing they say, to this day, is "you never got even one spank on your butt that you didn't deserve". I, literally, got thousands of spanks with their hands, thousands with a belt and hundreds with a paddle. My mom probably broke 15 wooden spoons across my butt in a couple of year time period. To them each and every one of those spanks I deserved.

My parents don't seem to think there is a difference between spanking a 5 year old on her bare butt and a 17 year old on hers. When I was an older teenager and having to take off my underwear and bend over in humiliating positions for them they would act like, though it was supposed to embarrass me, it wasn't that big of a deal because they were my parents. For some reason it didn't seem to matter if my sisters were watching, or friends or when they let me friends parents spank me the same ways.

Like I sais earlier, sometimes I get butterflies getting undressed to shower. The act of taking off my underwear, even now 17 years after my last spanking, can cause me anxiety. When my husband, who I adore being measure, wants to do an intimate position that reminds me of a spanking position sometimes I shut down - "doggy style" is very similar to how my dad spanked me most often as a teen with his belt. I hate that even now it causes me pain.
juliewr
Member
Posts: 100
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr »

While my husband and I are breaking the cycle I can't say the same for my siblings. I am the oldest. My sister 3 years younger has an 11 year old daughter that she spanks the the same way we got them. My sister who is 6 years younger does not have any kids yet.

I feel bad for my niece and I often cry for her. When she is over here with us she seems relaxed knowing nobody is going to take her clothes off and hit her. Sadly, I know that my sister, who is a single mom, allows my parents to spank my niece too, as she still lives with them.
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