I am cold-hearted

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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IcedMargo
Member
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2016 5:49 pm

I am cold-hearted

Post by IcedMargo »

Thank you everyone for your encouraging and kind words,

I think it's going to be a long,stony road through my recovery. But on some days I think that I don't need to recover from my past and start to deny my trauma. However triggering moments or situations show me that I am actually not okay. So now I am in two minds whether or not I should start recovering.

The idea with the psychologist is sadly not possible in my case... maybe when I am older and living on my own. You should know that I really love my parents but they are somewhere ignorant and in denial about my past. The relationship with my father is difficult. It is even worse with my sister. She still lives with us and I can't grasp the fact that she could have done that to me. Even now she sometimes lashes out on me. Not physically but verbally. Whenever she is bored she starts to count my flaws from head to toe. I think she is somewhere afraid of me and my strenght because I did martial art for some years. I did it because I decided that I don't want to be in that position again where I couldn't protect myself or the ones I love.

Whenever I confront her with the past she either starts to deny it or makes me feel guilty for what happened. Also I show her rarely affection because her touch is somewhere poison to me. Because of that she accuses me of being a cold-hearted monster.

My whole family wants me to forgive her but I don't want to. If that makes me a bad person... fine then I am bad. But I don't want to be that gullibable child anymore who forgave her just to be betrayed once more. I came out of this damaged, lonely, misunderstood and traumatised. I don't know if I have the right to be this selfish but I just don't care anymore.

I am sick of being laughed at for being jumpy and flinching away from something when it moves too fast. I am tired of laying in my bed at night and crying myself to sleep because my mind rewinds everything what happened to me. I mean I don't have anyone who cares about me and how I feel. Maybe they care just a little bit about my health but nothing else.

Thank you for listening to my rant, I hope I am not bothering.

Kind regards,
M.N.
recover
Member
Posts: 16283
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: I am cold-hearted

Post by recover »

hi MN,
you can rant all you want here, as much or as little as you want.
you are NOT cold-hearted. you are trying to protect yourself from years of cruelty and no protection. you are trying to take care of you.
you are not alone here.
recover xo
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: I am cold-hearted

Post by Fleur »

Hello IcedMargo

I had a similar experience with finding professional help -- my family did not think I needed any therapy
Once I was working, one of the first things I did was ask the GP for a referral

I dislike being touched. If unexpected, I sometimes scream. Usually nothing to do with the person
I really don't want my Dad to touch me, it feels awful, I think of everything hurtful he has done
Maybe it is like this for you when your sister tries to touch you?

Do you have any friends?
Even if you cannot speak of family issues, perhaps a friend could help you feel cared about

Wishing you a lovely day
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
Xanthia
Member
Posts: 3094
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: I am cold-hearted

Post by Xanthia »

Hi IcedMargo,

By now, you might have finished your studies, and are now employed and/or doing further study. May life have become more positive for you.

As today is your birthday, I hope you can celebrate in suitable ways the beginning of your personal new year. Sending thoughts for you to have all you need for your healing journey.

Warm regards,
Xanthia
Xanthia
Member
Posts: 3094
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: I am cold-hearted

Post by Xanthia »

Hi IcedMargo,

Really hoping life is on the up for you at present.

Wishing you a very happy birthday to commence your personal new year.

Here listening, reading, should you want to post an update, without any pressure to share.

Sent with what you most would like for your healing journey.

Warm regards,
Xanthia
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