Letting go

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honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Fleur wrote: Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:26 am So much insight from your hour long visit.
Oh yes! And little things keep popping up in my mind regarding that visit, but now I have the tools to handle them properly...and into the trash bin they go, straight away and without hesitation! :lol: It's SO much better that way.

Y'know, I've been doing that with my home, too. I used to keep magazines and newspapers and junk mail and old papers and so on. In cleaning and clearing out, I've found unopened mail from 2004 and earlier!! In fact, there were piles of it around here before I began cleaning my home, but now I toss them out as soon as I get them, maybe with a quick look-thru, but then EL DUMPO!!! :lol: And the same with my countertops: once clean, I like to keep them that way and move on to the next project...oh my! Mark Twain! :mrgreen: He was SO wise!!
Fleur wrote: Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:26 am I can almost hear the smile in your words.
It's because I AM smiling! :mrgreen: I was truly afraid to go visit with MD, fearful that she'd somehow figure a way to sabotage me and wrench this marvelous success I am having with this WOE away from me. I should have had no fear at all. She is an old, unhappy hag, simply "waiting to die" - her words, not mine. She is no longer the driven, pretty, and vivacious (and MANIACAL!) person she used to be. Her mind is slipping (I think! HOWEVER, when she used to feign stupidity, she'd call it "being dumb like a fox"!), and with her, I have NO TRUST at all! And if I approached her directly and honestly (which is MY way of doing things), she'd use that on me, batting her eyes, and say to anyone listening, "Why, I don't know what she's talking about. ME? Mean? Never!" and I would just roll my eyes :roll: and shake my head. My father would always side with her...ALWAYS!! ("We are a UNITED FRONT!", she'd snarl at me - and they were, with my father placed in the role of "enforcer", even if my father KNEW that it was WRONG what he was "enforcing"!!) And then she'd smirk at me, the "winner" again. :oops: He told me later (when I was 27) that he did it to "keep the peace". "I've got to live with her, Honey." VERBATIM! So I was the one thrown under the bus, so to speak. Right or wrong was never the issue. The ISSUE was WHO WAS GOING TO "WIN"! And I never did, never was allowed to. Hm... :roll:

But nowadays she is an old crone, NOT ambulatory (could walk, but now can't walk, claims to have had THREE strokes now, and DS and I agree that all her "claims" are probably to get dear brother's attention, which is NOT WORKING!), sitting all alone in a room watching Gunsmoke and game shows, desperately trying to think of ways to see and/or interact with my brother, yet now that he has her MONEY, he rarely comes to see her EXCEPT to balance her checkbook. How can I be afraid of THAT??! I may even feel sort of sorry for her, but not enough to jeopardize my own safety or success. She is something and someone that I NEED TO CONTINUE TO "LET GO". For my OWN sake. But I wish her no ill, either. It's how my dear Grandma would have handled it (except she may have also prayed about it).
Fleur wrote: Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:26 am You have indeed let many aspects go and seems you are in process of letting some more wash away.
Yes, I am. I see MD as a viperous snake, curled and ready to strike, and yet desperately needing to be loved and petted and needed (all to be fulfilled by my brother, NEVER me). Invariably, over the last 71 yrs. of experience with her, if I begin to feel sorry for her and try to be kind to and trust my own mother, she begins to scheme how to trip my feet, make me miserable and off-kilter, and to then sabotage me for my kindness to her. It's as simple as that. I have to decide now: Do I value my own successes by keeping myself safe from her venom that I KNOW is coming (hey! 71 yrs. of PROOF!) OR do I pet the snake and hope for the best outcome possible? I choose the former option now. It's common logic. I have come to the decision that although her enabler (my father, who she called a "wimp", bless him) is now gone and in an urn in her closet ( :roll: :!: ), she still has fangs to bite me IF I come close enough! I don't even buy the "senility" routine! "Dumb like a FOX!" So my best bet is to just stay away, do my Keto and Intermittent Fasting, clean my house, mind my OWN business, and BE HAPPY - so that's just what I'm going to do!! :P

In fact, there's a whole yard out there right now on this 80ºF day! Thank you so much for your steadfast support through all of this upheaval in my life.

"The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference."

Honey
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I have a dilemma, and I'm wondering if you guys would help me to sort it out. Oftentimes it helps me to just write it out.

It's my garden. You all know I am a "sharer" of info re: my garden. This year, instead of trying to "think" my garden into existence and then throwing it together in desperation at the last minute (usually in July or August when the summer is nearly over), I'm instead DOING it this year! :mrgreen: Even old bare root trees that I thought had DIED two years ago due to lack of water and care have shot out LEAVES! I read somewhere that it's good to do a "scratch test" on the bark: if it's brown, it's dead. But if it's GREEN, IT'S ALIVE! I pulled up all the dead ones and gave water to the green ones and now I have LEAVES on them!! (Picture sticks with leaves!) :lol:

Now reviving old bare root trees stuck in a bucket filled with potting soil, especially after having been so neglected (by me - :oops: ) and then giving them some water to drink and seeing little clusters of healthy leaves pop out is an amazing reaffirmation of LIFE and I'd really like to share these things. But my dilemma is WHERE? My gardening site - well, gardening is all they do and they don't really "GET" a garden's function the same way I do. They're not that warm and fuzzy as you guys are on here, and I still need that...worldview? Way of seeing things? I not only have lemons and strawberries to pick, but as I improve it out there (instead of just thinking about it and staring at it), each step forward (today was pulling weeds and chopping out bamboo roots with my Rogue hoe AND watering my ENTIRE yard) helps to lift me out of the Old Depression!!

Part of it is definitely the WOE (Keto/IF) by lifting the old Brain Fog, part of it is more energy and a deep love of gardening and nurturing the plants along, part of it is a newfound desire to really enjoy my home and my garden and to feel a sense of pride in them without fear of ridicule or sabotage from someone else. But over on the now virtually abandoned Gardening website, how can I say that? "I pulled big weeds today, and oh, BTW, it helps me to not be depressed!"? That would feel so inappropriate! :?

I've thought of sharing it on my Keto site, where they understand the connection between depression and Keto/IF. But how can I share with them about how deeply my garden salves that connection? Do you know that I have NO f2f friends? Not one! Not even for a phone call. If I had to give someone a call right now, I can only think of cousin R and his wife, and although we have only had nice visits (or so I thought), I've received not one phone call or text from them since Halloween. So unless I call, no one calls me. DS is after me to give them a call, but I don't want to impose on them if this is their way of politely declining a family connection. (Another dilemma!) :| It hurts to be ignored.

I am autistic. That means I don't pick up on "social cues" very well. I like my son very much, and he says that I am his best friend and am a worthy person in so many ways. Loyal, honest, smart, but just sharing with him is bad for him and bad for me. Some sharing with him is good, but too much is SMOTHERING instead of mothering. So I turn to my computer, and you guys and my Keto friend (ONE at the moment, but I'm looking for more as of today). My father wasn't very social, either. Also, I am a "freeze" type according to Pete Walker, and being that I tend to be by myself a LOT and be separated from others, like in my room writing to you guys on my computer instead of going out somewhere. :lol: :oops:

As I write this, I am seeing that I am in urgent need of some buddies. I don't LOOK ancient, not yet anyway...no wrinkles or anything, and even my hair is still mostly dark, and I don't look but around 50 or so, so would I find some suitable friends at the Senior Center? I'd LOVE to find someone like me who is into gardening AND Keto/IF and DOESN'T CHEAT ON IT which I find kind of crazy!! I wonder if there's anyone out there like that? You have no idea how much I'd like to have a friend to share my gardening adventures and successes with. Maybe a cuppa Bulletproof coffee before break-fast. I wonder if there's anyone local who is nice, doing Keto, intermittent fasting, and likes to watch scientific YouTube videos of conferences on insulin, or even wants to hear about it from me? Share Keto recipes. (I just ordered a meatball press from Amazon and got three NEW recipes for Italian meatballs, Swedish meatballs with gravy, and sweet-sour meatballs...all Keto, and from what I hear, ALL delicious!)

I guess I'm finally realizing that what this all boils down to is this: I need a f2f friend because I have something to share and nowhere to put it! :| Where do you find friends? I can't go to church because I'm not a religious person, but I'm not a hypocrite either. To go to church only to find friends would seem disingenuous to me, not too honest. I might call Catholic Charities again to be a visitor for shut-ins. They need volunteers, and it would get me out of MY house! :lol: Attend School? Too young. Senior center? Too old. And they'd have to be Keto-oriented. Or at least keto friendly. Or I could just sit here and gripe. :roll:

I need to go eat. I exercised in my garden for about 3 hours today in a fasted state; it's been 23½ hrs without anything to eat...so far. (Swinging that Rogue hoe and weedeating and weed pulling is strenuous work, let me tell you!!) Thankfully, I'm still not ravishingly hungry, but I could eat, so it's BBQ'd steak on my Ronco Showtime that DS put on to cook and which is done now. YUM. And my ever-present avocado salad. And then I'll be full for the next 24 hrs. I LOVE how this works!! I finally have a WAY to lose weight that WORKS, and works consistently!! What a GIFT!! HUZZAH!!! :mrgreen: ;)

Honeybera
Fleur
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Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur »

Hello Honeybera


Hear you loud and clear re the desire for a mutual interest friend; also, how your WOE /IF has positively impacted whole of life. Regarding potential places to find someone locally - any Keto groups? Any interesting social activities related to your lifestyle?

Am saddened about zero contact from family members who you might enjoy having for company ... Although, is it conceivably possible they lost your details or are simply very busy?

Are you saying no-one connected with you for seasonal holidays since last October?

How's MsT doing at the moment?

I trust you'll enjoy using new equipment from Amazon - different recipes can be fun to try out

Really glad that so many plants survived. May they soon flourish with TLC

80 degrees already? Wow, seems your region had brief if any Spring time

May you and son enjoy this week


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Hi Fleur! :|
Fleur wrote: Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:01 pm Hear you loud and clear re the desire for a mutual interest friend; also, how your WOE /IF has positively impacted whole of life. Regarding potential places to find someone locally - any Keto groups? Any interesting social activities related to your lifestyle?
I believe that I may be hopelessly shy. I took your advice and tried to find a meetup somewhere near my area re: Keto/IF(?), but with no luck. The best I found was a meetup a two hour drive away and at 6:30pm - 9pm at a restaurant! :roll: Not my cup of tea, so to speak. To drive through rush hour traffic to get there as the sun sets and then to drive home at 9pm in the dark is also not appealing to me anymore. I'm afraid I'm not who I used to be with the driving idea. :oops:

There is something to be said for the safety of home, but having it be THIS MUCH home, home, home all the time isn't good for me either. People are ok I guess. I don't know quite what to do. I'm sure it will become obvious to me what to do, but for now, I'm rather confused. Don't want them too close, don't want them too far away. I think I'll just keep gardening and cleaning and copying recipes and cooking and see what happens. Maybe an epiphany of some sort. Perhaps the idea of visiting shut-ins may yet be a good idea.
Fleur wrote: Sun Apr 22, 2018 1:01 pm Am saddened about zero contact from family members who you might enjoy having for company ... Although, is it conceivably possible they lost your details or are simply very busy?

Are you saying no-one connected with you for seasonal holidays since last October?
Uh, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying! :| Not one word or invite. And no one has lost my contact info. I call my dear brother, and we talk for maybe an hour or so, but he NEVER calls me! We have never been on "bad terms" or anything, but we were held apart for so long, with me as the "untouchable" and too icky to be around (always said by MD to immediate family - especially the males), that it still holds. And with dear Cousin R (that entire side of the family HATES HATES HATES MD WITH A PASSION!!), they still equate me with MD I fear (untrustworthy, viperous, and so on). I still have some hope for that side of the family. Oh, and MD hates them all back, saying it's because they didn't attend dear brother's first wedding. They sent a nice gift, but declined to attend. :roll: But I LOVE my cousin R! I even like his wife, too. (I never mentioned that I'd even seen R when I visited with MD precisely b/c I didn't want her to begin scheming how to screw that up for me...and she would do that!!!) So perhaps another visit to cousin R may be one answer for my loneliness and family rejection. I called them a couple of times, texted them, too, and they respond briefly...and then silence again. Their lives appear to be full and enjoyable already. They are super friendly with me when I'm there and with DS, but then the silence falls again.

DS is urging me to contact R and L again, and I guess I really should. Funny, I guess I still don't feel "worthy" of their kindnesses and warmth to me and DS. As fierce as I can be when provoked, kindness and love bestowed on me can tend to flummox and befuddle me! My cousin B, a woman cousin five years my junior (and R's sister) who lived on R's street but was planning to move up to a TINY town in the Sierras several hours away with her husband, was sharing that her mother, my aunt J, was also abusive to her. We had our lawn chairs pulled closely together for a real tête-à-tête (which I was very much enjoying!) regarding our mothers and their complete lack of parenting skills, but her husband wanted to go. She made me promise to come to her house and continue our talk at some future date, and I really wanted to go, but I don't know if she's moved yet. I know, I know...CALL THEM AGAIN! :lol:

I'm also wondering why they didn't open their homes to us at Thanksgiving or Christmas? Granted, neither DS nor I observe either holiday, but the invite would have been tempting. I suppose that they assumed that we'd be spending the holidays with MD and/or brother dearest, but we NEVER get an invite from them...EVER!! Not a holiday of ANY sort, not even a birthday or graduation or ANYTHING! DS and I have been wiped off the invite list on a PERMANENT basis, and I don't know why. When my grandson (the one getting married in July) came for a visit last summer, we went out to visit with MD and then went to my dear (and only) brother's house and then out to dinner. We were then informed that my grandson was to stay at their house overnight, DS and I were sent home, and my grandson and his girlfriend were swept away and left the next morning from brother's house. My brother has NEVER been "close" with my grandson. In fact, he hadn't seen him since my grandson was 3 and lived with me. And the next thing I heard from my grandson was to receive the wedding invitation. We are GOING to that!!!

I guess I'm actually facing some very ancient old traumas from my past lately. Like shunning from my immediate family and how that still hurts me (but enrages me, too). And the issues with fashions and how I look and appear to others. The issue of fat is being lifted from me (SAINTS BE PRAISED!!), but now I am expected to get all dressed up and go to a wedding. I am so unsure of myself. The last wedding I went to my SIL (brother's wife) "helped" me with what to wear and had me gussied up in a black ankle length dress (for my daughter's wedding!) - I am hopeless in this! :cry: :cry: :cry: But in about a month or so, I'm going to go to the BIG GIRL'S stores, the ones with large sizes. We have a few in this town (thank God!!) and begin to try outfits on. I hate hate HATE to do this!! But I have to...for my grandson. I'm waiting because of my weight. I need new shoes, too...probably just some low heeled plain black pumps: VERY BASIC! And something stylish, but comfortable to wear in July. And some jewelry and maybe a hat (Catholic wedding). My hair? (ANOTHER issue!!!) I don't know yet, but am NOT going to worry myself to death over it. Maybe down long? I just don't know. I do know that I'm really looking forward to be able to VIEW my grandson marrying his sweetheart happily and witness his happy fairy tale ending to a very nasty life's beginning. He so deserves this!!

====================================(got sidetracked!! :oops: ==========================

I'm going to just post this and off to bed with me. {{{{{{{{Fleur!!}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera
honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

It's like God has opened His heaven and given me all the answers for me to heal and to heal in every way, both emotionally and physically!!! I just stumbled upon a new method of emotionally healing called "tapping". I am going to need this as my weight inches closer to my goal. I really need some solid support, and this method of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), by meditating on positive thoughts while tapping my face (no, it's really good! and helps me to focus), may be that extra sort of calming that I'll need to reach my goal weight without fear of MD swooping down on me, harpy style, to ruin it for me. What I heard tonight were some very positive affirmations (and all true, too) about me when I was a child. How I was NOT to blame for the treatment I received. :roll: And he's made HUNDREDS of these powerful affirmations videos on a myriad of topics!!

It seems kind of new wavy, but I was much calmer and more centered afterwards, having new self-forgiving revelations re: my childhood and my abuse. Then I find out that this is a stress reliever so that cortisol, the stress hormone, won't be released. Oh my! I instantly flashed on all the conventions and seminars I have been watching on YouTube re: how cortisol (due to stress of all kinds) stimulates insulin, the fat storing hormone! I have been in trouble for a long, LONG time with my health and my insulin resistance while being blissfully unaware of it. All the signs were there, but I just didn't know how to read them! You have no idea just how wonderful this feels to finally have all the keys to all the locks!! Every puzzle piece is falling into place. It all makes SO MUCH SENSE to me!!!

I have to go back to the eye surgeon tomorrow morning. They gave me an emergency appt. at 11am, and that's quite a trip. I have been seeing odd things obstructing my vision (bad floaters which could mean a vitreous detachment at the retina, :o and a possible problem with the capsular thingy [the scientific term? :lol: ]that he put in at the time of surgery), so he wants to see me pronto! I have to get to sleep now. But I had to share about the EFT. :mrgreen: I may feel sort of silly doing it, but it's free and what can it hurt? I did feel better afterwards. ♥♥ :mrgreen: ♥♥

Off to Bed!

Honeybera
Fleur
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Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur »

Hello Honeybera


I hope you slept well and the eye Dr can easily and quickly restore your vision

Really great that you feel happier within yourself; finding correct keys for right locks so to speak is wonderful

Agree with you regarding trying on clothes, choosing hairstyle, etc. I treated it as an adventure when invited to my sole female cousin's wedding ... May you find exactly the shoes, comfortable outfit, etc soonest, with least difficulty. Think you have good sense to wait a while as your body shape adjusts to your WOE. You might not require the "big girl" shops in a couple of months

Does your son also need new clothes for the wedding?

Sounds like your family is similar to mine - although my sister occasionally phones, I'm never invited to celebrations. I guess that's why my Church family members back in the town where I lived 15 years continue to be important to me

Wishing you very well in all respects


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Hi Fleur! :mrgreen: A-ok at the eye doctor. He says that my brain will begin to ignore the floaters and that they aren't dangerous, just annoying, but I do have some vitreous detachment, very common in older people. He dilated my eyes and looked and looked, but there is no damage and he says it's a one time thing per eye. So thank heavens! I'm glad that I went! There's nothing worse than worrying over nothing. And thankfully, this was nothing - it just looked scary.
Fleur wrote: Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:13 am Agree with you regarding trying on clothes, choosing hairstyle, etc. I treated it as an adventure when invited to my sole female cousin's wedding ... May you find exactly the shoes, comfortable outfit, etc soonest, with least difficulty. Think you have good sense to wait a while as your body shape adjusts to your WOE.
I'm in a 2x instead of a 3x already. :mrgreen: I'm sort of thinking of "going shopping" soon instead of waiting until the last minute, kind of sneaking up on it. :lol: I would like to get used to looking at and trying on clothes. This is SUCH a big issue with me!!! I can try on shoes, too. Something really basic with a low heel...in black, so they can go with anything. One step at a time...slowly, and with positive affirmations with every step! :| I can do this!
Fleur wrote: Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:13 am Does your son also need new clothes for the wedding?
Well, yes he will! And he deserves them, too! Fleur, he cut his waist length hair off!! And has lost 30 lbs. so far!! He kept his beard :ugeek: but his hair is a really nice style and looks great!! He finally doesn't look like a drug user anymore and looks more like he works in IT! :mrgreen: His Mom (me!) is so pleased!! And it is all his decision!
Fleur wrote: Thu Apr 26, 2018 2:13 am although my sister occasionally phones, I'm never invited to celebrations.
I hear you. It can be a sad thing to be that much unappreciated as a person, but really, it speaks more of them than it does of you. I'm learning that.

It's 4:30 am and I need my rest for the day ahead. Have a wonderful weekend and my best to you and yours. {{{{{Fleur}}}}} :mrgreen:

Honeybera
Fleur
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur »

Hello Honeybera


Cheering you on for successful shopping, etc. Your son will look very different with weight loss and new hair style

That's really great news about your eyes. Peace of mind is worth all the hassle of attending the Dr

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Clearing boxes is top of to do list as house /audit inspection is 8th May

May you and son enjoy today


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Fleur wrote: Sat Apr 28, 2018 9:55 pm Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Clearing boxes is top of to do list as house /audit inspection is 8th May
Oh wow! We used to have those in the subsidized apartment we lived in for about 25 years. How I used to dread those yearly inspections! We would hurriedly race my apartment-sized washer and dryer over to my neighbor lady's apt. to hide it (it wasn't allowable for me to have it), and then after the inspection we'd hustle it back over to my house. :lol: Ah, the old welfare days! :roll:

Now I just have the Neighborhood Preservation lady from the City drive by on her dastardly rounds trying to drum up money for the city coffers. In fact, I need to hit those weeds tomorrow morning before she strikes again. When I questioned her the other day re: "Are you just picking on my house?", she replied, "No, I have several in your neighborhood that bear watching." Oh my! :shock: But if I weedeat the yard before she can swoop down, there's not much she can do about it. And as soon as the winds die down, I've got some dynamite weed killer I'm going to use out there in the front. She even complains if there are tiny weeds in the driveway or cracks in the sidewalk or the street! Her pickiness drives my poor son crazy (and honestly, me, too)! But between the potent weed killer, our new pressure washer (to wash them out once dead) and our upcoming 90-100ºF temps, we should be up for an inspection by even her! :P

Will your house audit take into consideration that you've just moved in there? I'm sure that you'll do fine anyway. If I can make the headway that I have here, I'm sure that you will do just fine in your new home. I have the utmost faith in you. Here's wishing you a solid success on May 8th. ;) I will be thinking of you. I'm finding that by just getting into the boxes, one by one, really does the trick. Do you have sorting to do, too, or did you sort prior to moving? I loathe moving!! I left a TON of stuff at my old apt. We just ran out of time or I think I would have brought even more than I did. So thank God we ran out of time! :lol:

I have a TON of things to do tomorrow and need to get up fairly early. I watered the whole backyard today, so that's done. But I have "the front lawn" (weeds) to weedeat entirely, maybe spraying weed killer to boot, weather permitting. It will begin to be HOT and dry in less than a week, so backyard needs me, too. I am already getting strawberries and they are SO YUMMY! And my tomatoes, peppers, and squash need to go in (after enriching the soil with micronutrients and fertilizer). I can now move those monstrously heavy FILLED 30 gallon SmartPots around the yard fairly easily. HUZZAH!! :mrgreen: It used to be that I couldn't even budge them and had to ask son to do it for me. I must be getting stronger! 8-) :!:

I can (with MUCH effort!!!) lug those huge sacks of potting soil and humus, too, and lift them up to shake in and fill the 30 gallon pots. Plus I am slowly planning making "berms" (watering basins) around each tree, mulching the area heavily with straw to deter weeds from regrowing. That is heavy work for an old lady, but I'm taking my time and doing a nice job, one by one on each tree. Satisfying work and great exercise. I am huffing and puffing by the time I'm finished, but once it's done, it's DONE, and I have an old plastic chair out there to take a break in when needed and just pet the dogs for a while. They love that!!

The weeds don't come back nearly as readily with straw applied, and if they do, I chop them before they really get going with my beloved Rogue triangular hoe (that monster! It's often used by firemen clearing fire trails. It will undercut the weeds, but weighs approx. 5 lbs. and can be a chore to swing for a prolonged length of time!), or I just pull the weeds up by hand and throw them into the recycle trash bin that I keep nearby. BTW, I can bend over now! :mrgreen: My belly has shrunk so much that I can weed like that (pulling) or just use the Rogue hoe. What a joy! :mrgreen: I'm trying to EARN my strength back!!

I've also determined that I'm going to start shopping for my outfit for the wedding for my grandson. We are only going up there during one day, stay overnight in a very nice hotel, and then will attend the wedding and reception, and right afterwards head for home. So - outside of the wedding itself - who am I trying to impress? DS? No, he's not judgemental. Grandson will be happy that I came, and that's what's important to me. I plan to look nice while at the wedding, but if I end up in my "daily uniform" of top and shorts and comfy driving shoes while driving home (or even driving up there), who's going to play fashion police with me?? It's all in MY OWN HEAD. So I'd like to work on letting that negativity GO AWAY so I can just enjoy myself at my dear grandson's wedding!! I am both in control of it and responsible for it. Simple as that.

And even if I'm not completely svelte yet, I'm absolutely on my way to being svelte, and isn't that what truly matters? I need to dump this shame nonsense!! I've been shamed all my life by MD and frankly, I'm sick of it! Enough is enough! I don't need to pick up the "shame baton" in her absence and beat myself up with it. She didn't pass me that baton; I picked it up and took her place. What a bunch of nonsense!! I'm going to try my best to do and be my best and that just has to be "enough" for everyone involved, including myself!!

So it's time now to begin the search for dress, shoes, jewelry, and so on. And then go, hold my head up, appreciate who I am (a beloved grandmother and mother), and be an invited witness to my grandson's wedding. I can't lose if I do that!

I am exhausted. I need to get to bed. It's nearly 4am. {{{{{{{{{Fleur}}}}}}}} dear friend!! I'm glad you think that I'm thoughtful. :mrgreen: Sleep well.

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I dug through my closet today, surprised to be uncovering lots of clothes in about my size (and bigger some of them): dresses, pants, tops, and ugly shoes. Yes, the shoes are horrible, but I need to try on the rest of it to see if it goes to donation or gets hung up in the closet. So that is my first step...

I also actually did weedeat all of the front "lawn" area on the west side of the driveway and 1/3 of the east side of the driveway, too. Lots of work! But so worth it. DS said he'll use the new pressure washer on the driveway's infinitesimally tiny weeds in the cracks that tends to drive our City lady up the wall, so we're doing a preemptive strike! :lol: And I'll finish the last 2/3 of the east "lawn" first thing tomorrow. I only stopped today because I ran out of batteries (I have four of them, each about 45min. - one hour worth of charge). DS also said he'll help with the whippy weeds; they're pretty easy to do since they just roll up into a huge ball and then we dump the ball into the recycle bin. Between that and me spraying weed killer out there, we should have little to no weeds out there whatsoever! That old bag with the City shouldn't have any problems with that, especially in a drought year where we are severely restricted to watering twice a week on specified days or else pay a whopping fine. These guys are worse than an HOA!

I've been trying to move more lately (like the gardening and weedeating plus housework), and I am doing better. I made a really huge order of dog food (cases!!) for the dogs from Chewy dot com, and they packed all this into a mere 3 boxes (also huge!) that even DS could barely lift, so I had him drop them in the hallway last night and I unpacked them today, one by one, and put all of it away, a case at a time. Even lifting a full case of that wet canned dog food was an effort for me, and I had ordered 12 cases of it. The dogs won't starve, that's for sure. :P Plus I did laundry today, cleaned out my closet (or at least got a good start at it), did the dishes and tidied up, refilled my pill caddy, and spent about 3 or 4 hours out weedeating the front "lawn". So I am moving more for sure. I never could have done this before Keto/IF!! That's for positive sure! :mrgreen:

But now I am bone tired! So off to bed I go. I just wanted to share this with someone. DS has the "Pre-Convention Irritability Syndrome" going on right now, and my best bet is to not say too much to him as he gets ready to go. This is the BIG ONE, the one he waits for all year long, and it's now just a few weeks away. I can feel his tension!! :| I'm really glad to have this outlet for me to share my day with someone. :mrgreen:

Honeybera
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