Letting go

[Fleur]

Lovely positive messages to read from you honeybera. Really great Ms T and other dogs are enjoying new diet. Wonderful that Ms T has improved so much in recent times

May all your planning work out very well


Cheering you on from the sidelines

[honeybera]

Hey dancingfish!

That's such good news about Mrs T., glad to hear she's doing a lot better!

Oh boy! We are, too!! Some days are better than others. The more we keep her to her old routine outside, the better off she is, but we're having rainy weather for the last several days. We put her out in the backyard "between the raindrops" and she slowly trots around the yard, back and forth. It's good to see her walking again and getting more feisty by the day.

Sounds like you've been getting all sorts of home planning, tidying, yard clearing and cleaning done too. You do realise just how much you accomplish every week, yes?

That thought there is like a ray of brilliant sunshine to me and yes, is getting through the old MD thoughts and allowing them to fall by the wayside. The more I do, the more my efforts urge me to do more. And it's not in a scolding way, but a sweet and gentle way, like my Grandma used to encourage me. Very nice indeed.

Hope your re-working of the front room goes nicely, that vinyl floor covering sounds like an excellent idea too!

I am really getting excited about it! Easier to clean the vinyl planks with a "carpet" of sorts on top of it that can be rolled up and cleaned separately and even replaced at a MUCH less cost than wall-to-wall. SO much better!

Reading along with you honeybera, even if I'm not always posting.

That's just fine. I'm happy that you're following along. If anyone gets anything out of my writings, I'm happy.

thought I'd tell you as it was more than a bit inspired by your healthier eating.

Sounds like something that I'd whip up! This WOE is not "diet food". It's merely substituting one healthy thing for an unhealthy one, like your subs of almond and coconut flours. It sounds really tasty. If it's keto, you can put butter on it and have some sort of syrup on it (like Walden Farms maple syrup or other) or low carb jams or keto Nutella. (Google: keto nutella chocolate - for recipes) What you're making is called a MIM, a Muffin In a Minute and it's made in the microwave. Try a little puff of cinnamon in there or a teaspoon or so of Hershey's 100% Cocoa - or maybe some lemon or blueberry or orange flavorings. Or plop a small handful of blueberries, fresh or frozen, on top of the mixture before you nuke it and let them sink in, or you could use nuts, too, like toasted, chopped pecans or walnuts. There are so many things you can do with this. And fearing to gild the lily: some whipped up cream cheese (even with a fork will do) with a tiny bit of that Swerve you've got there and a bit of vanilla and a bit of cream and top your MIM with this "frosting". YUMMY!! Or some strawberries and whipped cream as a healthy Strawberry Shortcake for dessert! Oh man, I've got to stop! <drool!>

I have definitely found that even if I'm eating well, I need to move too though for fitness/weight loss - trying to put at least half hour walks into my day. An errand maybe, or a wander to local shop, or just around the neighbourhood. Tend to pass a lot of dog walkers, wondered if that's something you might be able to do sometimes? Just an idea though, I know you're happy with your house and garden/yard work too.

I'm becoming acutely aware that I need to exercise/move more, too - and I came to this just as it began to RAIN like crazy! It should be over by Friday, though, and there's plenty to do out there. I did weedeating of the entire front lawn already and lots of weed pulling in the backyard. Lots to do in the house, too. And lots to do for Ms. T as well. I may just hook up either Spot or Dot as a companion dog for a walk next week and begin with a walk around the block. Spot is rather neurotic, but I think Dot will do quite well. I'm sure they both would enjoy seeing the outside world for a change, and with the extra walking I'm doing already, both in the garden and in the house, my leg pain has ceased. YAY!!

I'd better hit the sheets now. I don't want to screw up my sleep schedule again!
{{{{{{{{{{{{dancingfish}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur! Nice to hear from you!

Lovely positive messages to read from you honeybera. Really great Ms T and other dogs are enjoying new diet. Wonderful that Ms T has improved so much in recent times

Thank you so much! It finally quit raining here for a while now, so I put T outside. I'll be going to look for her soon. She wanders around until she gets trapped by those nasty whippy weeds, and besides, I have to pull some stubborn weeds out of the currently soaked soil. I truly believe that being out in the yard as she always has been is helping her to heal up and live as long as she can. I love that stubborn, brave little dog that loves life so much. ♥♥

Yesterday I received a letter from my old doctor (that I've had for the past 2 yrs.) stating that he's having back problems and an upcoming back surgery and he won't be able to care for his patients for quite some time. So OK, he was out of it anyway for me. Then last night in complete frustration, I called his office for the results of last October's test results, which I haven't received yet, being told that I had to see the doctor to get these results but had to wait a very long time for an appointment (I guess due to his own health problems). She finally told me that I have "chronic liver disease", but to what extent she (and the doctor) weren't sure. WHAT?????????? It has taken them since last March to rule out whatever else it could be, order tests, get the results, and finally inform me of it in January after I placed a call to THEM!!!!! No medicine was given, no further appointments or examination, no further tests!! So I called my current doctor's office, let them know that I do have "chronic liver disease", that it's unknown as to what stage it is or even if it's terminal and impossible to repair itself or reverse, like non-alcoholic cirrhosis. (Although I doubt that that is the case. It does worry me, though.)

Dr. B, my current doctor, has ordered a CT scan for me, but those guys are waiting for my insurance to give the nod. It should be another week or so before even they will give me an appointment! Keep you posted. It does comfort me knowing that you know.

May all your planning work out very well


Cheering you on from the sidelines

It really does help knowing that my friends are there with me, following. Today I also got some happier news: Stark Bros. (online nursery) will be sending me another dwarf apple-pear tree (a "New Century") in the next few weeks along with the raspberry replacements (Raspberry Shortcake) for the ones that died last year. That really thrills me! I believe that I'll begin planting the trees I already have that are sitting in big plastic "half barrel" tubs in the side yard. They are some pear and apple trees saved from last year. I think that over in the dog's yard will be a good place for them. I'll begin digging holes for them now. I believe that I'll take them down the kitchen side of the house. I have a LOT of lovely fruit trees here already in the ground: plum, apricot, Aprium (plum and apricot combo), peaches, apples, avocados (no fruit yet though), pears, and citrus (both lemons and one orange). Loaded with lemons this year!!

And I believe that I'll order those new custom lawn swing covers, too - a nice forest green/yellow/white stripe top with a solid forest green matching seat - all done in a sturdy Sunbrella material (10 yr. guarantee). It should spruce the yard up very nicely and give me a pleasant place to sit out there, gently swing, and relax with my dogs. How nice is that??!

I'm also planting my darned tomatoes and peppers today! I MEAN IT! I know I've had a lot on my plate lately, but Mother Nature doesn't care a whit about that. Time is time, seasons are seasons. Period. In fact, right now is a good time. And then I'll go pull some weeds and then have my dinner. Perfect!

TTFN! (Ta Ta For Now)

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur! I DID IT!!! And then some! I got out in the backyard today (it finally quit raining!!), and being wet soil made those deep rooted Common Mallow weeds much easier to pull...and pull I did!! I managed to CLEAR the entire garden area yard except for one colossal Mallow weed/shrub/tree?? That thing is HUGE and I'm going to have to hit it when I'm freshly out there with maximum strength OR have DS pull it. I also began weeding/clearing in front of my WOW plus some Mallows over in the dog's yard. There are plenty more Mallows to pull up by the roots, but my back is giving out and I don't want to overdo. I did clear a path over to where T has decided to stand in a corner whenever I put her in the gated dog yard, so that's easier access for both her and me.

It really does make me feel better when I get out there (or in here) and "do my job" that I have decided to accomplish. That was always stolen from me as a child. I was taught to "go play and stay clean". Oh, and "BE QUIET!" I never did yell much, but when I allowed her to know that I was even there, I knew a beating was coming!!! Any infraction of her "rules" were subject to severe punishment. It was not a very relaxing childhood.

But now I can choose my own tasks, do them, and take pride in them. What a change for me!! I'm also "imposing" a few things of my own, like "if you see that weed needs pulling, pull it now!" or for that matter any task that I have a tendency to put off until later. Thank you, good ol' Mark Twain! See, it isn't MD positively bellowing in a rage at me with that message; instead, it's me and Mark Twain gently showing me the logic of it AND the payoff...and that takes the sting out of it. I'm not even close to being perfect at this, but I'm learning how to do it more and more every day.

So my dearest Fleur, I DID do it today! <---proud of ME! And thanks to you for your steadfast support of me and my attempt to get free of the toxins that MD heaped on me for all the years of my life. I truly feel that I'm getting better.

Next up: pruning all my trees! Google, here I come!

Honeybera

PS - Approx 9pm...I DID IT AGAIN! Planted my first Sungold cherry tomato + 3 peppers (Midnight Dreams, Cubanelle, and Lipstick varieties) + some Dill for the kitchen window sill. So far, so good. I need a big bag of seed starter soil mix since I ran out. I may just get that tomorrow after seeing my T and then fill up the top shelf of my grow lights setup with a ton of varieties of all different veggies. Maybe get some straw, too, to use as mulch out in the yard so I don't get so many weeds out there. Spring is coming!

[Fleur]

Way to go honeybera!! Truly great you've implemented more of yourself and Mark Twain than other folk

Thank you very much for sharing

Spring will not delay timing to await our procrastination processing, smile

Wishing you a productive T session as well as happy gardening

One step at a time gets us to wherever we choose to go


Much caring

[honeybera]

Dearest Fleur! Hello!

TRIGGER ALERT:

I need to DUMP!

I watch a lot of ID channel on the TV (murder mysteries on cable like this one: Evil Lives Here) and I just saw a very disturbing one about a pair of sisters whose sexually abusive father ended up being a serial killer. He also physically and emotionally abused them as he had them in his custody. The real trouble with this one was that I could see a lot of MD in the father, the way he handled things so secretively. He would beat these kids severely and then DEMAND that they stop crying. This one sister (telling the story) said that she could not stop crying. Funny, under threat, I always managed to somehow put the brakes on my sobs and tears, but it took its toll on me, much like it did with the sisters.

But I was an only child for the first 10 yrs. of my life, so I had no escape like these sisters did with one another. I have no sisters, and I have only one very greedy brother. He would've sold me out for a nickel. MD had my father construct a fence around the little cottage where I lived from 1½ - 5 yrs. old. It stopped me from RUNNING from her (as a toddler!!) up to my Grandpa's house in the front (read: running towards SAFETY!!). Grandpa would put his hand up to her tromping down the driveway in a rage and say, "Now, now, now...what's she done this time?" as I hid behind his knees. So she had my father construct "the (dreaded) fence" around "the cottage in the back" (of my grandparents house) which was erected to trap me in there with her, and my retired Grandpa only came back there to hang clothes up on the clothesline or burn the trash (and I was allowed to help him with both = SAFE from her). My father was at work and knew nothing of what went on, and I'm not too sure that he would have stepped in had he known - or maybe he did know, but was afraid of her and her reactions.

As I look back, I can see that I just was not that important to him, or at least not enough to buck her, although I adored him for many years and found him blameless of the abuse I took from her (until I found out about passive abuse). At 5 yrs. old, I used to sit on the back of the couch when he was home from work and brush his hair...well, until MD convinced him that it would make him go bald. She also did not want him to play with me, like throwing me up in the air and catching me. I loved that game! But when she saw him doing that she'd come running in, screaming at him to "PUT HER DOWN!" Mind you, she would beat me with her hands and fists until her hands broke and beat my head against the wall until I was loopy and collapsing, but God forbid my father would pay any attention to me at all, including fun games that we both enjoyed. She'd see to that! And she constantly reminded him of what a wreck and a horrible disappointment I was...DUH. She would tell anyone who would listen about "what a nervous child" I was! Yep, and anyone with half a brain would have been a nervous wreck, too, considering what I faced on a daily basis...and with NO WAY OUT!

Add to that the autism that was not the "thing" it is now and, sure enough, I really seemed to fit her mold of me! Furthermore, she always made herself out to be a perfect and a loving mother, but nothing was further from the truth. If she did do anything, she did it to promote her OWN self-proclaimed image for the world, so SHE looked good to everyone else. But she was instead a pompous, self-aggrandizing, vicious and cold-hearted BULLY, and has continued to be all my life!!

This whole thing (ALL the physical, mental, and emotional abuse) that I was subjected to, that taught a cowering, tiny toddler with an enraged, out-of-control teenaged MD standing over her, wailing on her as she tried to "stop that crying" as demanded as the blows fell, that taught me to suppress my feelings to the point that even the daughter of a serial killer could not achieve, is appalling to me now. I DID NOT DESERVE THAT!!!!!!!! NOT ONE BIT!!!!

MD had many of the same basic traits as the serial killer. Both needed to have that glowing image projected out to the public while hideous actions took place behind closed doors to the children, and both were incredibly sneaky and devious in covering up what they were up to. And the devastating effect on his children, even after he was caught and executed, even after they were safe and grown and out of his clutches, was horrible. I firmly believe that if MD could have killed me or had me killed and not been caught or punished, I would not be sitting here right now saying this!

I NEED TO LET THIS BITCH GO, RE-PARENT MYSELF, AND GET ON WITH LIFE BY BEING GOOD TO MYSELF!!

And with that, I'm going to bed so I don't screw up my now-corrected circadian rhythms again!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Abuse is horrid honeybera, however it occurs. Always the child (or whoever is chosen for the abuse) has fallout - some of us have awareness earlier than others

I am happy for you to be re-parenting yourself and it is fantastic news that you are back to a more pleasant circadian rhythm


Much caring

[honeybera]

it is fantastic news that you are back to a more pleasant circadian rhythm

Hey Fleur!

...and so the first thing I did was stay up all night until 9:30AM, increasing my Keto recipe cookbook with new ideas off the internet while the TV plays on behind me. BUT I then quickly got myself back to a much better schedule again because I could see where "sleeping in all day and staying up all night" was leading, and I just don't see that kind of sleep schedule in my goals. So last night was ended early with a soothing cuppa chamomile tea (flavored with peach flavored "oil" and cinnamon - SO good!) and a tiny 3 gm sugar free chewable of melatonin, slipped into bed, and corrected early what could have thrown me off for weeks...so there is improvement.

To wake up at 5am and have the entire day ahead of me is a delightful thing, but when do I go to bed to achieve that? I sleep for 9-10 hrs. a day, and I need to get good sleep for my WOE. BUT BUT BUT!! I also need to work on my home and garden, and that needs to be in the daylight. Also I'm needing to figure out my levels of exhaustion and when I really do need to rest. I am retired from a job where it was DEMANDED that I get up at those hours, but now I'm finding that it's sort of preferred to do so if I wish to accomplish that which I want. It's just that simple.

And I find that I need to see the signs of depression and sleep schedule flipping EARLY and correct them right away if I begin to slip back into the old depressive past ways. So thank you so much, dear Fleur, for being there with a shaking pom-pom, cheering me on to better things. {{{{{{{{{Fleur!!}}}}}}}}}

Abuse is horrid honeybera, however it occurs. Always the child (or whoever is chosen for the abuse) has fallout - some of us have awareness earlier than others

It really is horrid. I am beginning to see for the first time just how WRONG MD was in what she did. I am grateful that 5 yrs. ago I found this website again and began writing out what has become my journal because it's given me the feeling of exposing her and what she's done to me. I do realize that I am anonymous on here (or at least I think I am), but I've been able to "let go" of a LOT of things that I felt that she had simply gotten away with and I think that that feeling has kept me going to T after T, searching for relief that was in my own hands ever since my childhood ended. I should have "let go" of her years and years ago.

I'm also seeing that I am not alone, that there are others that suffered much worse than even I did and others who didn't suffer "as much abuse" but could not handle it even more. We are all individuals. Abuse is abuse.

The Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act was passed in 1974, which required states "to prevent, identify and treat child abuse and neglect." - Wikipedia

Before this, there was concern, but nothing "governmental". No wonder MD was able to fly under the radar, only leaving bruises where it didn't show.

I am seeing that it's all in my own hands now, though, and that I need to change my focus in life from MD and her imagined reactions to me and whatever I am doing, and changing it to what I want, what would make me happy. I find myself thinking every day, "I am a good person. I wish no one else harm ever." And that comforts me. I am my own person, and she didn't win!

I have to get out there in the backyard before I lose my daylight. Today is "The Struggle of the Weeds"!! Poor T keeps getting tangled and caught up in the whippy weeds and there are still many Mallows out there begging to be pulled. Also, this evening is a planting time since I have now gotten my seedling starting soil at the store (how good is that!!??). I saved a bit of money doing that, too, instead of them "shipping it free" (which I still pay for since it's bundled into the price shown) and saved yet another cardboard box being in my front room needing cutting up. YAY!!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

YAY indeed honeybera. Thank you for sharing some more of both past and current concerns

We talked tonight a little about what responsibility a canteen worker would have had years ago when they knew what is now termed "abuse" was happening in the institution - one of many investigated by the Royal Commission in recent times - as you correctly mentioned, no or hardly any governmental policy and everything went under the radar. Thankfully, some changes have occurred in public situations, however, plenty still happens behind closed doors

Hopefully, today's child would be able to tell a teacher and successfully have a parent educated so abuse, neglect, ceased. In our day, I'm around ten years younger than you, precious little intervention was available. Only when obvious neglect, abuses affected children was anything done. Unfortunately, even when removed from violent homes, a child could face horror in foster care - and I believe this still is a problem, but now the authorities supposedly screen and monitor closer in these circumstances

Happy to cheer you on from across the planet, smile

May you accomplish all you set yourself this week


Much caring

[honeybera]

OK! AGAIN, I DID IT!

- Pulled some weeds, trimmed some trees (so we can get in to T when she's stuck in the whippys) and sized up tomorrow's tasks. (Beginning pruning! It's my first time! I'm scared to make a mistake, but it's even worse if I do nothing!!)
- Baked a "fully cooked" spiral ham (no sugar) that I had shipped to me from the Ozarks - and it was YUMMY and I had it with some creamed spinach!
- Finished T's laundry (towels for her daily "bath" + washable pee pads for her cardboard boxes [temp sleeping area]), stacked the nice clean laundry in its area, and fed all dogs and gave all meds.
- As promised, I went to my car and got the 2 bags (2 twelve qt.) of organic seed starting soil (SO MUCH BETTER than what I had before!!) and dampened it with lots of boiling water and stirred it all up. (I keep this up and I'll look like a body builder...or Popeye! ) It is cooling overnight. Now I'm ready for my morning task of planting more and putting whatever I do under the grow lights.

That is all.

Honeybera