Letting go

[honeybera]

Hey dancingfish!

I went to see my doctor yesterday to find out why I had such a pain in my back. He ruled out kidney problems and gallbladder and said it was my latissimus dorsi back muscles due to "over-doing it" with my gardening. I'm pleased that he ruled out the big worries, but I told him that about all I do out there is water and harvest. I also have two HUGE fist-sized deep purple bruises on either side of my stomach which have been there for some time and he attributed them to taking aspirin for my back pain. I told him that one was there months prior to me taking aspirin, but that didn't phase him or change his opinion. HE had spoken! OK then. I'm so glad that I'll be changing doctors back to my former doctor soon. I just have to change my medical insurance to one they currently accept and they'll happily take me back (into the fold - I've been there for the last 18 yrs.).

I think that what the problem is (if not kidneys or gallbladder) is I think I need a new mattress. I feel that it could be just that simple. Even the doctor agreed that that may have something to do with it. For right now, I think that I'll just have DS help me turn the mattress to an area less used than the present one. Then I'll wait until big sales come up later OR go to the Sears Outlet store where it's always about 50% or more off.

I am often dwelling on MD lately, too, not so much as thinking of the horrors she has done (and she has!), but as I clear this place out of box after box of THINGS that are constant reminders of how negatively she has impacted my life and my self esteem and self worth! And she'd still do it to this day! In fact, the last time I saw her (on her birthday last year in April '17), she blurted out in shocked surprise, "Oh my God, it's YOU! What are YOU doing here?" (Unbeknownst to me, dear brother was due for a visit at any moment.) Ouch.

And kind of keeping with those thoughts of quiet undermining of my abilities and esteem, I am having one terrible time trying to make some nice keto (fathead) rolls and freeze them so we can have them with soups or hamburgers and hot dogs. I even have a dandy recipe for these little buns stuffed with breakfast sausage and cheese, baked and frozen for quickie "break-fasts" or for DS to take to work (if he has a microwave to use). They're like a Sausage McMuffin or Sausage McBiscuit. I also FINALLY cut up some cauliflower for riced cauliflower (fried rice or other stuff - I have a MILLION recipes for this stuff!) and I found out that once riced, it can be frozen EASILY, even without blanching it first! I can also use the cut up florets in mashed cauliflower or in creamed veggie or meat soups. (That with one of those fathead rolls or biscuits is my DREAM COME TRUE!) I already know how to make honest-to-goodness GRAVY with pan drippings, heavy whipping cream, and cream cheese - SO GOOD!

But here is my dilemma: I DON'T DO IT. I KNOW HOW, BUT I JUST DO NOT DO IT!!! Last week, my favorite market had cauliflower ON SALE for 68¢ EACH! I bought 8 of them, thrilled to prepare them and rice them in my little Veggie Bullet...and they sat on the sideboard or in bags on the floor and just rotted! I could have riced them and frozen them and used them later...but instead I FROZE. I knew that I wanted to prep them and put them up...but I didn't, day after day, KNOWING what I was doing by doing nothing...but I really cared about getting it done, just not enough to do it! I have done this all my life! I avoid things, put them off. MD used to call me "lazy", but I am NOT LAZY! This is deeper. This is like a core thing, like a survival thing from way back in my past. Just be still and quiet. It's what pleased MD most. "Just sit still and don't get dirty. I can do everything else!!", she'd say to me.

It's like I'm dreadfully frightened of "something", but I can't put my finger on what it is. Failure? Not doing it perfectly the first time? Am I facing my own fears of inadequacy? Or is it that stubborn thing that made me miss my own 6th grade graduation party? I do stop like a mule and behave stubbornly...well, it's like resistance...but it's MY cauliflower!! Who on earth am I resisting????? I believe that JUST FOR TODAY I will get in there and clean out the kitchen fridge (got a couple of cauliflowers in there, too) and cut up some broccoli and at least STORE the good cauliflower and broccoli in the veggie bins in there after throwing out the bad rotten stuff.

AND I'M GOING TO RICE SOME OF THAT CAULIFLOWER! I have a feeling that IF I can just HABITUATE myself into the HABIT of making these things, problems will be solved. And if it's not perfect the first time? <shrug!!> NO BIG DEAL! I nearly know the fathead dough recipe by heart already - but there are SO many fathead recipe variations out there (and all sound SO GOOD), BUT DO I USE YEAST? DO I USE BAKING POWDER? HOW MUCH? And how much mozzarella cheese? How much cream cheese? Whole eggs or just the whites? OMG!!! I will TRY ONE recipe and see how it turns out. The easiest one I can find. Each cook has added her own little twist to this wonderful recipe. Maybe I'll make up my own! But I need to try. AND FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ANY FOWL-UPS I MAY MAKE!!!!!!!! AND LET IT GO!!!

I'm off to the kitchen. I thank GOD for this outlet for me to come to and share/vent/LET GO!!

And ♥thank you, dancingfish♥, for your views on this, too.

And I am thinking of your peach trees again...

I wish you were here. I let all my peaches just sit in my garden trug and just rot. I would have happily given them all to you to enjoy. I did enjoy growing them, though.

Off to the kitchen...>>>>> (we'll see how far I get this time...)

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
Just sitting in a chair in your kitchen watching you do whatever you feel like doing today.
You have many amazing ideas and much knowledge about food and other things. It's okay if things don't always get finished or acted upon. You already know that, though.

Hoping sleeping on another side of the bed helps that back pain.

ws

[honeybera]

Hey ws!
I did very well tonight! I cleaned out the vegetable bins in my kitchen fridge, threw out most of what was in there, re-lined them with nice clean paper towels, cut up what I could save from what was worth saving, bagged it, and put it all into the clean veg bins. Then I made some broccoli (nuked with some Lake Shore Dr. seasoning and butter) and some cauliflower (more Lake Shore Dr. + heavy whipping cream + a handful of shredded Mexican cheese on top - which crisped up as it was nuked - SO GOOD! ) AND my DS threw a tri-tip on the rotisserie until it was a nice med-rare. Scrumptious dinner!

It was a really good start with the cleaning and getting things accomplished. I still need to sort out the rest of the fridge, sweep and mop, make a couple of baking items (muffins + fathead something-or-other and rice some cauliflower), and start tidying on the front room (so we can get our new stove, already paid for in June!). It has a double oven and matches our microwave oven, and it's been sitting in the Sears warehouse waiting for us to tell them when they can deliver and install it. They have to come in from the front door, and it's a cluttered mess in there. The old microwave is still in this big box, we have several big huge garbage sacks of crushed aluminum cans that we recycle, and there are several boxes of donations, all boxed up and ready to GO. There are also several boxes loaded up with food items that we no longer can eat (due to our WOE) that we figure DS's best friend and his family could use (cake mixes, Rice-A-Roni, Best Foods mayo, etc). If there's sugar or grains in it, we cannot eat it. But DS is dragging his heels when it comes to asking them if they want it (although to give it to them was DS's idea in the first place) and frankly I am tired of tripping on it. And there are BOXES AND BOXES of old VHS tapes that DS wants to go through before donating them, but he's reluctant to sit down with me and go through them. I am getting frustrated with the waiting for him to find the time to do what needs to be done!

I can tell you one thing: once all this is done, I hereby promise that I will NEVER let this happen again!!! It's going to take some work and some discipline, but whenever I buy broccoli or cauliflower, I'm cutting it up IMMEDIATELY, bagging it, and PUTTING IT AWAY PROPERLY! I now have my cilantro and parsley and bell peppers in the kitchen fridge, too. It's very nice.

MD tells of me viewing the little cottage out in the back of my grandparent's house for the first time (my father actually built it and it still stands today, some 70 yrs. later). I would walk around at 1½ yrs. old, touching everything and saying, "Nice. Nice." for that was all I knew how to say. This would be around 1948. My goodness, I am SO ANCIENT! But I still like things "nice". Just not PERFECT nor STERILE, MD style. And I may just have to LET GO of the negativity MD drilled into me about what is nice and what is so nice that a person can't even enjoy it. And that a person can be punished severely for doing something wrong, especially being a normal kid, ESPECIALLY a GIRL kid!!

Example: I have a cordless stick Dyson vacuum. I bought it hoping that I would use it. Truth be known, I LOVE IT! It's SO EASY to use!! I saw it on TV and kept thinking about it (I already have two other Dysons, both with cords and both used only occasionally). But this one is GREAT! It's not been installed so that I can just pull it off the wall, all nicely charged up, but I can still use it...and DO use it about every other day or two. It's HEAVEN! And I DO use it constantly! I just grab it and GO GO GO!! I have a 2'x3' rug by my WOW so I don't track dirt in from the garden (and the goat heads stay in the small rug), and now my carpet stays very clean...and I keep it up (my room and closet, the hallway to the kitchen, and even the computer room as much as I can get in there ATM). Before putting it away, I dump whatever it's picked up in the big garbage bin in the hobby room. SO EASY! And I'm noticing that it gives me a lift when it looks nice and clean in my room. NOT PERFECT! NOT STERILE! Just nice and clean. It is how I like it!!

Hoping sleeping on another side of the bed helps that back pain.

From your mouth to God's ear!

Lordy, I'd better get to bed now. Lots to do tomorrow. What a nice way to spend the weekend! I hope ♥all of yours♥ is going well, too.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Can't sleep.

Stayed up all night learning how to make a really tasty KETO Cream of Vegetable Soup! And the bready treats (keto of course!) to go with it. In reading through all these different recipes, I found the following quote:

Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

OMG, I love that!! Didn't care much for her recipes, but her attitude is top notch!!

I also watched several demos on how to use my "new" (never used before) Veggie Bullet, which helped soothe my lurking fear tremendously...oh! and I fixed my "new" KitchenAid stand mixer (17 yrs. old, but never used before either) so that I can use it without the beater BANGING loudly as it smacks the bowl with every revolution whenever I try to use it. I was about to give up and just buy a new one, but instead I first asked Google how to fix it...and it guided me to the kitchenaid site where they explained what I was doing wrong. I hadn't "snapped" the bowl down properly, so it was out of alignment. So easy to fix. Very proud of myself.

And with that said, I'm off to bed...for real this time! I'm properly pooped out now.

Honeybera (ZZzzz)

[honeybera]

I DID IT!! I DID IT!! I DID IT!!!! I now have both gallon bags of cauliflower RICED by using my Veggie Bullet!! Then I packaged them up and put two in the freezer (for later - it's a veggie that DS will eat, especially as fried "rice", which tastes great with additional rotisserie chicken thrown in) and one in the fridge to make for later tonight when DS rolls out of bed finally. (He's sometimes a day sleeper due to his work hours.) I'm even throwing in some bean sprouts and onions and a tiny bit of peas and diced carrots (mostly for color) and a scrambled egg or two. YUM! I have got to clear off that kitchen table so we can sit down and eat together. It's all donation stuff that's blocking me...I think.

I meant it when I said that once I get things the way I want them (and know they should be), I won't allow things to get so out of hand as they are now. Everything is either VERY new and somewhat frightening or it is so old that it becomes part of "the way things are", and thereby both remain untouched. That is simply unacceptable to me. So I need to keep vacuuming when it needs it. I KNOW how to use my handy-dandy Dyson. Now I have "fixed" my KitchenAid stand mixer, so that's available to me to use. And now my Veggie Bullet for ricing the cauliflower, etc. It spiralizes, too, for Zoodles (zucchini noodles) for "pasta" since the sauce is already made the low carb way. And if I can simplify a couple of keto recipes for fathead dough and other bready wonders, I'm IN HEAVEN! (Think: hamburger or hot dog buns, dinner rolls, biscuits, and crispy crackers! <drool!>) I found one last night for keto fathead buns that uses YEAST, not to make them rise (no sugar in it), but rather to give it AUTHENTIC BREAD FLAVOR! I'm attempting that one SOON!

And CHEESECAKE (with a nut crust or not) is always ok on keto! As is rich Mascarpone Pudding, Chia Seed Pudding, keto ice cream (not ice milk), cookies, muffins, CHOCOLATE (even ganache!)...the list goes on. It's all a matter of technique and ingredients. (No sugar or flour allowed.)

I have been fat (or at least called fat by MD) for so long and I'm tired of it! I've found a WOE that is both doable and tasty...and even GUILT FREE! When my back pain was at its worst and I though it may be related to a gallbladder attack, I read what one "should NOT" eat in such a case. It read like a page out of what one SHOULD eat on a Keto WOE! I literally cried in frustration!! All dairy products...OUT. No meats. NO onions or garlic. A restricted veg diet. But it INCLUDED GRAINS. Sugar was ok, too. OMG! Luckily that was not the case!!

I need to go out and water my yard right now. I gently get myself out there by slipping on my Crocs and walk outside, promising myself that if I wish to do nothing once out there, it's ok. I know me so well. As soon as I'm past my WOW, I pick up the hose and turn on the water and begin to water the yard. It's a little game I have to play with myself occasionally. I need to figure out why it is that I resist doing that in the first place...

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

I like the idea of playing a game with my self to get to the next step of something. I'm trying that.
Kind of lifts the pressure but make it more motivating.

Glad the cauliflower paste worked out and now it's done. Woo Hoo!
I'm telling ya- get the cookbook notes rolling. lol

Hoping your back is feeling better and that you had some sleep.

ws

[honeybera]

(Began this post on Tues.)

Hello dear friend wolfspirit! Happy to hear from you!

I like the idea of playing a game with my self to get to the next step of something. I'm trying that.
Kind of lifts the pressure but make it more motivating.

Exactly! And it works. Once out there (just standing outside! - and you're right: NO PRESSURE TO DO ANYTHING! But you really have to mean it.), I find that I don't mind the watering chore. In fact, I find many things I want to do. Water first, then tie up a tomato branch that's drooping or grab the weedeater and clear some stuff away. Works every time. I come in when it's too dark to see anymore - plus I try to leave something tantalizing and/or pleasant to lure me back out there again for the next day. And yes, it has become a game I play.

(When I can walk.) I read once that old age is not for sissies. Very VERY true! My back was so painful and felt so "twisted" once I got in bed, I finally put my pillow at the foot of my bed where it's not so lumpy - AND THE PAIN WAS GONE! I fell asleep again and slept blissfully for HOURS! My conclusion? I need a new mattress! I mentioned it as a possible reason for my back pain to my doctor who commented, "Yes, that could be it, too, I guess." I just wanted him to RULE OUT any kidney or gallbladder problems, which he did. This mattress is decades old. I want a top of the line ultra plush with lots of memory foam to snuggle into. BLISS! So now it's time for shopping... I'm going to have DS pivot my old mattress in the meantime. Should give some relief until I can get the new mattress.

BUT now my right foot hurts...BADLY! I don't believe it's gout. And it's on the opposite foot from where my foot pain was before.

==================================================(Thurs.)

I am correcting myself. It IS gout! But now it's on my right foot rather than my left foot. DS had to help me out today because I can barely walk. He got us some rotisserie chickens from Costco and watered my entire yard and fed the dogs and got me water, too. I managed to hobble around and do a few things, but the pain is so great. It's even all hot and red over my big toe and foot just above the toes. Oh man, THE PAIN! Last night DS pivoted my mattress around and I had NO PAIN in my back, but had to lift the light blanket off my foot due to it hurting so badly. I don't seem to be able to win. At least my dogs are fed and the garden is watered. I hope I praised my son enough so that he understands how deeply I am grateful for his actions today. I iced my foot tonight and it seemed to help somewhat. <fingers crossed>

I'm now searching for a new dishwasher, though. My old one, a Whirlpool that came with the house 17 yrs. ago and has never given us a bit of trouble, spewed soap bubbles all over the kitchen floor tonight. Sheesh! After looking all over the internet, I think I've pretty well decided to just get another Whirlpool. In addition, I believe that we've also found an electrician to fix up all our electrical problems in this house, and they are MANY. We're installing a RING doorbell first with a tiny camera inside that will alert me on my cell phone and show me if anyone is standing outside at my front door/porch. I've also gotten a RING floodlight and camera for higher up on the garage and overlooking the street since we've had several break-ins and thefts on our cars/truck as have the neighbors. They even stole my trailer hitch off my pickup! (Dirty dogs! ) And a whole bunch of outlets don't work, both inside and outside. But I think we have a good electrician. <again: fingers crossed>

I feel like I'm bleeding money sometimes, but it's better than when I was on welfare! Then I needed this and that, too, but the money just wasn't there. I am glad that I had the opportunity and the tenacity to stick it out for over 25 yrs. as a transit bus driver. I really am. I made my own blessings, to be honest.

I just found out that I may be low on potassium. Interesting. DS is still losing weight, but MUCH more slowly now. I think he needs more veggies (as do I) and towards that end (and with the arrival of all my fresh and TOTALLY DELICIOUS spices that came today), I am going to attempt to tempt DS with veggie dishes so scrumptious that he will not be able to resist. I'm also watching a video on what veggies/foods have high potassium:sodium ratios in them, and almonds top the list. So do the rest of the first 5 listed: spinach (Popeye would be proud!), parsley (in my herb garden), cilantro (one of my favs), and my beloved avocados!! Yeah, I can do this! Walnuts are on there, too, so I'm going to try to whip up some tasty "candied" nuts (almonds and walnuts) to see if I can wean him off those cashews that he LOVES, but that I believe is slowing down his weight loss. I can make them with egg whites and some tasty spices and a drop or two of monk fruit/erythritol or erythritol/stevia mixed, (or Swerve) (allowed artificial sweeteners). I have the recipes waiting to go into my cookbooks - or I can just Google "keto candied nuts" (mostly pecans come up) or "keto candied almonds" - and remember: almonds have more potassium than any other foods! Add a few walnuts and I'm in business!

Oh, what the heck. I just copied the recipe for my cookbook and (without the lovely picture to go with it that you, too, can see if you travel to the website) I give you this one tiny recipe just cuz it sounds so good and you may enjoy it!

Low Carb Cinnamon Almonds:
Lightly Toasted With A Sweet Tasting Glaze

Yields 2 cups
Ingredients
• 2 cups almonds, unsalted
• 1 egg white
• 1 Tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup powdered sugar alternative (I used Swerve)
• 1/4 cup brown sugar alternative (I used golden monk fruit)
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Directions
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside.
2. In a large bowl beat egg white until frothy. Beat in vanilla extract.
3. Fold in almond coating each nut.
4. In a small bowl whisk together sweeteners, salt and cinnamon. Pour over nuts and fold into mix.
5. Spread nuts on prepared baking sheet and bake for 15 minutes. Flip almonds over and continue to toast for an additional 10-15 minutes. Cool and store in an airtight container.

www dot thefoodieaffair dot com/low-carb-cinnamon-almonds/

This treat is loaded with potassium and is low in carbs and from just reading the recipe, tastes great, too. What's not to love? And all it is is a handful of nuts, an egg white, flavorings and a spice. YUM!!! This is how I do my keto thing!!

OMG!!! I MADE MY FIRST EVER FATHEAD PIZZA YESTERDAY!!!! SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! DS and I split one and we each came back looking for more! So I made another one, this time with Italian seasoning in the crust, and taught DS how to whip one up, too. WOW is all I can say! Best pizza crust I ever ate! Nice crispy crust, toppings (pepperoni) all gooey with lots of additional cheese. OMG!! And all it is is almond flour mixed with mozzarella cheese and a hunk of creamed cheese, nuked, and then the spice of choice (optional), dash of salt, and an egg mixed in!! THAT'S IT! You dump that onto a sheet of parchment paper, cover the dough with another sheet of parchment, and press it out with your fingers or a rolling pin to fit your pizza pan. Put on the toppings... Et voila!! In 15-20 min., PIZZA!!! And in my spices that arrived today is a nice jar of "Chicago Pizza Pizzazz" (from The Spice House) - and it smells heavenly!!! Like an authentic pizzeria aroma in a jar!! I can hardly wait!

It's heading for 3am! I'd better get to bed and see if my poor old toe kills me tonight as well. Doesn't seem to be acting like it will be as awful as last night, but I never know. Besides, I'm fasting and all this KETO talk is making me hungry! Sleep is the answer! We all fast when we are asleep.

Nighty night all!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Wow. So much PAIN! Gout can be a terribly painful thing, just unbearable, especially how I could not even sleep because of it! It's just constant pain, and I became stressed and cranky. I literally could not walk, and thereby could not do any of my own chores. I had no idea of just how much I do do around here each and every day. I've been off my feet for the last week, but just yesterday I watched many YouTube videos re: what to eat to stop gout pain...and it truly helped! FINALLY! I normally take Tart Cherry and Celery Seed capsules daily anyway, so I took some of that plus I made a nice salad with lots of avocado and made a sliced apple and cheese plate and nibbled on that and LOTS of water to drink...and a bit of the redness and tenderness began to fade. I got a good night's sleep, too...FINALLY!!

I'm going to continue this regimen over the weekend, trying to rest and repair as much as I possibly can. This kind of intense physical PAIN can even impact my mental/emotional condition. I'm going back to my painless (now) bed gratefully to rest some more!

Honeybera (tired still, but grateful for every thing and much relief!)

[Fleur]

Greetings Honeybera


Pain is a huge factor to impact all levels of well-being, and insufficient sleep adds to the mix. Really great that dietary adjustment is so helpful for you


Wishing you and son a lovely weekend

[wolfspirit]

So happy there was relief of that pain, honeybera!
Sending sleepy, comforting thoughts your way so that you can back to your projects and recipes and gardening

<3
ws