Shadows Of My Past

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Caprica
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Joined: Fri Oct 10, 2014 2:45 am
Location: Chicago

Shadows Of My Past

Post by Caprica » Wed Jan 21, 2015 8:33 am

Hello, I am Caprica and this is my first time posting on this website.

It's hard for me to put into words the experiences I've had or the emotions I feel, so please bear with me. I suppose the beginning if the best place to begin.

When I was born, everyone but my mother seemed to be happy about my birth. My mother never made comments to the rest of my family, but as they say "actions speak louder than words". It was only three days after my birth that I experienced my first abandonment. My mother refused to attend to me, so she called my grandparents to come and take me to their house so she could get some sleep. These events happened more nights than not and would only escalate to greater problems. By the the time I was two weeks old, my mother was sick of being stuck with a baby and wanted to go out with her best friend. That day I was driven around the city in a hot car with no air conditioning for 6 hours, all the while it was 105 degrees fahrenheit. Being so young and without a fully developed immune system, I caught a nasty illness called Respiratory syncytial virus (RSV). I was on life support for two weeks and nearly died.

The incompetence of my mother knew no bounds and eventually by the time I was two years old, my mother had enough of me. Combined with the fact that my father was in jail for drug possession and many DUIs, I had no parents to raise me. Luckily, my father's parents, whom I call Nan and Pa, took me in as their own. They loved me and nurtured me in ways that I hadn't known while living with my mother.

Sadly, things changed. The family that I had found with Nan and Pa was taken away from me by my mother when I was four. You see, my mother never gave my grandparents custody of me, so they had to comply. Over the next five years, until I was nine, I experienced a world I can't describe. Some would call it hell, but for me it was reality. Recently I decided to try to read "A Child Called It" in order to learn how the author was able to find happiness in life after his abuse, but I couldn't get past the 30th page. I am a child called it. Sure, I'm a different person, but reading those pages, I saw the tortures I experienced flash across my mind. Our past is so similar he and I.

During my abuse I was burnt with lit cigarettes, starved daily, not allowed to bath, lived in rags, and was locked in cupboards (sometimes with starved ferrets that would bite and chew on me). During the summer, I would be kicked out at dawn and let back in at dusk. All day I would walk the streets of Las Vegas' poor neighborhoods, in over 110 degree weather, no food or water, with the sun beating down on me. During my moments on the streets I was beaten by gangs, stabbed, and shot point blank with a BB gun.

My mother never did the beating. She would have my step-father do it. All the time watching, smiling, saying that I was bad and it was my fault. When the beating stopped is when I was most at risk. My step-father would often touch me and on a few occasions rape me. He did this to me in order to scare me into being male. You see, I am a trans woman and as a child I tended to express myself femininely. I was too young to know the biological differences between boys and girls other than the hair and style of dress, but I always wanted to emulate my sisters. When my step-father sexually abused me, he would tell me that "this is what happens to sissies" and "this is what happens to girls, if you acted like a boy, this wouldn't happen to you", or something to that effect.

Over these abusive years, I would be sent back and forth between my grandparents and my mother. Essentially when she got tired of me, she would send me back, only to take me again after a while had past. Eventually my grandparents had enough, they knew what was happening to an extent and hired a private detective to track down my mother who had abducted me and tried to disappear from the records. When they found me, they got her to sign over custody. Since then I have lived with my grandparents.

Now an adult, I'm finding it hard to function most days. Not only do I have PTSD, but I also have a dissociative disorder. I remember very little about my past. The events I do know about are from statements I made as a child to a psychologist when the memories were still fresh. That and I have these fragmented staticy images of a few times I was hit. Other than that, I remember nothing.

These days, I feel like a puppet on strings and I don't have control of my life. It's like someone else owns me. I feel this hollowness in my core that I still haven't been able to feel. I don't really know what happiness is. Sure, I experience happy moments when they occur, but I feel numb. When I close my eyes, all I see is myself floating in nothingness, cold and alone, beyond anyone's reach to save me.

So yeah, that's my history and how feel. I don't know what I'm looking for or what I need. I just want to feel alive again and I feel that I might find a way to do that by reading other people's responses of how they overcame their pasts.

Sheep
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Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:59 pm

Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by Sheep » Wed Jan 21, 2015 2:25 pm

Dear Capricia,

Thank you for sharing your story. You have survived horrible abuses. My heart goes out to you! I am still overcoming my past so not at a place of healing to tell you how I have already overcome. I grew up as the youngest of five siblings. I never felt loved and always thought I was adopted. Took me many years to come to grips with the fact that I am my father's daughter. He is the one that physically abused me and instilled terror in me from a very young age. I read that book A Child Called It when my son and I were living in my parents' basement for the second time since my divorce. I can understand why you had to stop reading it as I'm sure it was very triggering with all you have endured! Just this Christmas I made a decision to have no contact with my birth family and all extended family members except for my grown daughter and son. This decision in and of itself has dissipated much of the fear I have felt on a daily basis for all of my life. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where anger was the only acceptable emotion. My dad is a compulsive gambler and only in the past few years have I acknowledged that he is an alcoholic. My mother is very critical and shaming. They have almost been married for 60 years - pathetic! I married a compulsive liar who is very controlling and manipulative. I am 10 yrs. into my healing and still working mostly on getting free from the childhood abuses and trauma that started when I was 2 yrs. old. I think you will find this community to be very kind, caring, and compassionate.

Welcome to isurvive,

Sheep

P.S. I have PTSD as well which carry the symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Caprica
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Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Oct 10, 2014 2:45 am
Location: Chicago

Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by Caprica » Wed Jan 21, 2015 10:18 pm

Thanks for the moving post Sheep.

While it's always sad to meet other's who have suffered as I has suffered, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. I know that society acknowledges these kinds of abuses, but we rarely talk about it, almost as if it's a taboo. Because of this, even though I know there are others like me, I tend to emotionally feel alone.

I'm not sure if I'll find what I'm looking for on this forum, but I think I'll keep reading and posting for the time being. My only hope is to find balance through interacting with this sites members. I don't expect some kind of magic post that washes away my pain, but I hope I can gain enough wisdom and insight here that I will finally know what direction I want my life to take. I've long had other people at the wheel, controlling which way I go. I want control back.

ajei
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Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by ajei » Fri Jan 23, 2015 10:31 am

Hi Caprica,

it's good to meet you. I hope you find the support and care you deserve here. You're right there is no magic wand or answer, but finding a balance and direction is possible and you seem to have a great positive attitude. Take good care of yourself and know I am here listening and sending you all of my support.

ajei

quixote
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Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by quixote » Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:14 am

Caprica,
Welcome to Isurvive. You are courageous for telling your story in just your first post. You had truly abusive parents. I hope that you can make some connections on this site. The members here are great.
quixote

pinecone
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Joined: Tue Dec 09, 2014 11:44 pm

Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by pinecone » Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:45 am

Hi Caprica,

I am so sorry that you were abused by those who should have protected you and cared for you.

I read "A Child Called It" and it really resonated with me as "the one" who was abused.

I am glad that you found this website, and I hope that you can draw comfort here from your fellow survivors.

with compassion,

pinecone

becomingbutterfly
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Location: U.S.

Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by becomingbutterfly » Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:31 pm

Hey Caprica,
I'm so sorry for what you went through. You are a very courageous survivor. A Child Called It resonated with me too, in some ways. I think that it encapsulates the emotions of the moment very well.

I do know that it's difficult to express the pain. But you are not what was done to you. Also, it's okay that you don't remember everything right now. If the memories come, you will be able to face them, and if they don't, you can still heal.

Sending you lots of caring and support.
"Isn't it bewildering…that everything is so beautiful, despite all the horrors that exist?" ~Sophie Scholl

misskarab
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Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2015 2:25 am
Location: Illinois

Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by misskarab » Sun Jan 25, 2015 8:22 pm

Dear Caprica,

I just recently joined the website myself. I was moved by your post. It was good that you were able to post all that; I haven't posted my whole story yet. I hope you get the healing you so deserve. I wish for peace daily. It feels good on this site to be around others that understand.

Keep posting.

ChipmunksRunFree
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Posts: 282
Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:01 pm

Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by ChipmunksRunFree » Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:11 am

Welcome, Caprica...
I haven't had the courage to read A Child Called It.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry. Your mother and step father were insane.
It is taboo to discuss these things in society, but that is nothing more than cowardice. Times are changing and to make it as a species we will need to start discussing uncomfortable topics extremely soon. I know that that time will arrive in our lifetimes. So, there is hope!
"A chipmunk for you..."
*plucks out the most beautiful flower and gives it to you - a chipmunk curled up and sleeping within its petals!...*

Jonesy
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Re: Shadows Of My Past

Post by Jonesy » Mon Jan 26, 2015 2:43 pm

Hi Caprica

Welcome to isurvive. Thanks for sharing so openly with us.
You are important
Email: jonesy@hush.com

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