these feelings are so hard:(

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greendiva23
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Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:42 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by greendiva23 »

Hey all,

I'm sorry that I disappeared for such a long time. I've fallen out of touch with literally everyone here. I needed to take a step back, to just breathe and quietly process without trying so hard to 'heal' and 'figure it out'. And interestingly...it did help. I know what happened, that my mom emotionally abused and neglected me, and occasionally physically abused me too. She has never told me so much, we have never (and very very likely will never) talk about it, but I strongly suspect that she struggled with depression and anxiety and a lot of unresolved (and unacknowledged) baggage from her own childhood. That doesn't make what happened okay....but it does help to explain it.

I have not confronted my mom, but last year at this time I was keeping communication with her to a minimum. I was friendly with her, but her relationship with me bothered me a lot. Because the thing is that she's NICE now. She's nice and she's supportive and she tells me how great and beautiful I am. That made me so so so so angry....but now (and after many, many talks about it with my therapist) I have learned to accept that she is not one or the other, the nice mom of today or the abusive mother from my childhood, but rather that she is BOTH. She is both the mean mommy, and the nice person that I know today. One does not negate or invalidate the other. She is both, a whole person, with good AND bad qualities. That makes me feel like it's safe to enjoy the relationship that we have today without it meaning that I forgive her, or that what she did didn't happen, or that any of it was okay. Because I DON'T forgive her, not yet. Not completely. And our relationship is extremely shallow, we talk about my plants and my dogs and housework. It's nice...but it's not very meaningful. What makes me sad is that she doesn't seem to realize it...I don't know if she is CAPABLE of more than that. I call her my mom, and she is that, but I view her as a relative, someone who is biologically related to me, but not my FAMILY. I don't really have a family right now, my ex and I were a family with the dogs. I do have 2 friends who are my family, I guess...but it's not the same as a partner. And now it feels like I might NEVER get to have that again.

Lately, a lot of the feelings of sadness about how I was abandoned as a child have been resurfacing. I was ALL ALONE. The first time that I opened up to anybody about how sad and depressed I was was when I was 18, almost 19. I called Kids Help Phone, because I found out that at 18 years old I wasn't too old to call there, and I was desperate for SOMEONE to help me. The thing is, my mother made sure that I (and my 3 siblings) were always well-fed and sent to school with lunchboxes full of food. We lived in a nice home and our clothes were always clean and we had all the school supplies we needed. We even had lots of nice toys to play with. I was not physically neglected. But emotionally....I was so painfully alone. My feelings were mocked and ignored and belittled by my mother. She scolded me for stuttering and told me and my siblings that we were making her sick, and that we were bad kids. I was depressed from the age of 12 on, and she never noticed. I literally lost my childhood to depression and anxiety and painful feelings of worthlessness that still follow me today....and she never noticed. I did it all alone. I didn't have ONE SINGLE PERSON, NOT ONE SINGLE TIME. Not an aunt or a teacher or a neighbour or a friend's parent. I learned to hide, to act like I 'should', to get through the days. Kids with lunchboxes full of food and nice tidy clothing don't get sent to camp or enrolled in programs like obviously underprivileged kids do. My mom never let me join one single group or club or activity, and by the time I was a teenager I was too self-conscious and depressed to want to. And so I never learned about healthy self esteem and self confidence, all I learned to do was how to hate myself, and how to believe that I was worthless. AND THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!! I have a very very very hard time admitting this...but I feel sad for little greendiva, and how alone she was. And I have an even harder time admitting that...I wanted more than what I got... that I NEEDED more. I hope it's okay to admit that here...


That's all for now, I think it's already more than enough... I am going to try to see if I can catch up on a few posts.


Greendiva
Last edited by PeacefulNinja on Tue Jun 07, 2016 11:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
~~Rule your mind or it will rule you~~
PeacefulNinja
Member
Posts: 143
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2016 5:04 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by PeacefulNinja »

Of course you wanted more and it was your right to have more
PeacefulNinja
Xanthia
Member
Posts: 3094
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Xanthia »

Hi Greendiva23,

Welcome back. Lovely to see your name.

Seems like you've done much work regarding your healing journey. That's great .

I am impressed with your balanced views around your mother.
Changes need time.

Do you still look wonderful on the outside, as you did at school, yet underneath is different?
Or has life levelled to enable congruency?

Agree that some parents simply aren't emotionally available for their children.
Hopefully, you'll discover further how best to meet your needs.


Warm regards,
Xanthia
Couragetoday
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Posts: 5939
Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:31 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Couragetoday »

Hi greendiva,
It's nice to see your name here and hear how things have been for you.
I really appreciated what you wrote about the both the bad and good in your mom both being truth. That one does not negate the other.
Sure can make it confusing though.
Also by the sound of your writing you are taking control of how your relationship will proceed with her, while still honouring and acknowledging the pain it caused from the past and the remaining resulting pain today.
I think it's very ok to feel sad and grieve for what little greendiva never got.
You deserved more.
Glad you wrote your truth here.
Take gentle care,

CT
Jonesy
Director
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Posts: 16128
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Jonesy »

Hi greendiva23

How good to hear from you - lovely to see your name.
I completely relate to these words as I have a very similar 'shallow' relationship with my mum
greendiva23 wrote:I call her my mom, and she is that, but I view her as a relative, someone who is biologically related to me, but not my FAMILY.
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
recover
Member
Posts: 16283
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by recover »

hey greendiva so awesome to see you!
glad you are ok. i relate so much to lots of what you say. my parents are such a mix of love and damaging dysfunction/narcissism/emotional neglect/abuse it is overwhelming. they have very loving aspects but severely damaging ones as well. i am still not in a place of resolution. i have a superficially pleasant relationship with them. they are getting old now (80), and it is hard to find a way to feel good in relationship with them. so superficially pleasant is best now.
you are a terrific young woman, so good to hear you. so good to see you growing.
love,
recover xoxo
Xanthia
Member
Posts: 3094
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Xanthia »

Hi greendiva23,

Really hoping life holds lots of positives for you at present.

Wishing you a very happy birthday to start your personal new year. May you have peace, joy, harmony, many wonderful moments during the next 12 months.

Sent with whatever you would most appreciate for your life's pathway.

With care,
Xanthia
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