these feelings are so hard:(

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Starfish
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Posts: 695
Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2015 9:47 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Starfish »

hi greendiva.....i finally got to see your artwork.... a mothers love 1 and 2.... thanks for posting...i love all the colors and i love the words you wrote expecially on #2.... those are the words we wanted to hear when we were in our mothers womb. those are also the words and thoughts you will have if and when you choose to become a mother. xxxooo
Starfish
greendiva23
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Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:42 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by greendiva23 »

Have been away for a while. But...these feelings are still so hard. My bf and I broke up after 5 years . I moved into my own apartment. It feels good but it also means I'm alone. And alone is not okay. I spent my entire relationship with ex trying to create distance between us....and now that I'm alone I'm panicking and I want to find someone and settle down and not be all alone.

I slept around after the breakup and ended up with chlamydia. Mortified. Hate myself for being so dumb. But...I get so much attention from guys now that I'm single. It feels good to be wanted. It's fun to flirt. But then...my doctor gasped when I told her I'd been with 6 guys since July and she was sooo judgmental and now that my test came back positive for something I will probably cry or something next time I see her because she made me feel so shitty about myself. I know she was wrong to act that way but still.

I'm feeling pretty low but I think it's my own fault. I could be trying way harder than I am to control my thoughts and change my attitude. But I don't WANT to be okay with and kind to this person that I hate, and have always hated. I'm working on trying to see myself as "a person of average worth", no more worthless than anyone else. That's helping. .but when I'm upset it's not enough. And that's when my brain hops on the self -loathing express, with a one way ticket. Those are the times that I should stop. Need to try harder and be less lazy.
~~Rule your mind or it will rule you~~
seastone
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2015 8:19 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by seastone »

i'm new here and just beginning therapy, but everything you said i have felt and felt so grateful(and less crazy) that you shared your struggle...so thank you and i'm sorry you didn't get the mom you so rightly deserve(hope that's ok to say)
Last edited by ajei on Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: changed trigger from MT to NT
honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by honeybera »

Oh, my dear greendiva23! Hugs to you, dear one! {{{{{{{{greendiva23}}}}}}}}}} I've missed seeing you on here for the last few months. And I'm really glad to see you back here once again. :mrgreen:

Sorry for the circumstances though. I can't speak for others, but for me, I have been in a glass house in my youth during the confusing and raucous times of the 1960s Hippies. Free love and pot were both in the air, and I'm a born and bred CA flower child from the greater SF Bay Area. My organic gardening is just a reflection of that. So I can't possibly judge you, nor can I judge your natural search for love due to your intense feelings of loss and pain and the resulting chlamydia. I've done some crazy things myself, and sometimes hated myself in the morning, so to speak. We all have in one way or another.
Yes, chlamydia can be cured with the right treatment. It is important that you take all of the medication your doctor prescribes to cure your infection. When taken properly it will stop the infection and could decrease your chances of having complications later on.Dec 16, 2014 - CDC Website cdc dot org
Oct 6, 2014 - Though it's one of the most common and curable sexually transmitted diseases in both genders, chlamydia is often symptomless and goes untreated. When it does, the consequences in women can be particularly severe, resulting in chronic pelvic pain or infertility. - livescience dot com
I'm glad you caught yours early. You should be physically fine with treatment. (BTW, if your doctor is that judgmental and contributes to bad feelings about yourself, perhaps you should find another doctor.) :roll: You've worked way too hard to accept yourself, just as you are, to allow another person to judge you. I'm sure the good doctor has a few skeletons in her closet, too.
greendiva23 wrote:It feels good but it also means I'm alone. And alone is not okay.
Actually, alone isn't a bad thing - it's all about your attitude towards it. And there is a huge difference in "being lonely" and "being alone". Being alone used to scare the pants off me, but now I welcome it as a more private time in my day. So being alone is ok; being lonely does hurt. You're grieving your loss of your boyfriend and the 5 years you spent together, and that's natural, but I say again: being alone is ok. In fact, it's healthy.

And when you grieve his loss (no matter how much of a pain-in-the-ass he was) and you cry for him, remember it's just a
little rain cloud that will pass. You have friends on here, and we still care about you. And we still love you.

{{{{{{{{{{{greendiva23}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera
recover
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Posts: 16283
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by recover »

he dear greendiva,
totally echo honeybera.
can't say more right now but sending love.
recover xoxo
greendiva23
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Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:42 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by greendiva23 »

I'm so so low. There's not one good thing about me. I want to self harm so badly. Last week I hit my head against the metal elevator walls when I couldn't stand the thought of my worthless and seemingly hopeless existence. It helped. I felt like it "wasn't as bad" as cutting because I didn't break the skin. I'm mortified that I did it and I actually did tell T that I did it despite how embarassed and crazy it makes me feel that I did something like that.
I consider myself a sane person, I'm a nurse and I work full time, I have my own place, my own car, I get along with my coworkers, and I actually have 2 close friends. But then when I'm alone I bash my head against a metal wall because of how much I hate myself and how much I feel the need to punish myself. Am I losing it?? Have I lost it already? ???

I'm on this new medication (since about 2.5 months now ) and I think it has heightened my anxiety. My anxiety about work is truly debilitating. I no longer love my new job and in fact, it's a source of severe and debilitating anxiety. I can't stand myself. I wish the medication did what the doctor intended it to do, and I feel like it's my fault that it didn't.

I'm feeling really fucking alone . I'm too damaged to ever have something meaningful with anybody. No one is interested anyway. I'm alone in this apartment and ìt feels too late for that to ever change.

I don't know why I'm writing this but I guess I just need to get it out there. I'm NOT okay and I'm doing my best even though that doesn't seen to be enough right now .
~~Rule your mind or it will rule you~~
recover
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Posts: 16283
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by recover »

oh dear dear greendiva it is so good to see you. but i am so so sorry for your suffering. i hear you.

just to relate and hopefully make you feel better, i am a very successful professional and mom of two healthy and successful young adult children age almost 20 and 22. and yet i too have done embarrassing horrible things to myself for years. in the past few years (although not for quite some time now) i on several occasions banged my head against the wall in the bathroom at work where it is private. and i feel so so ashamed. i too felt it wasn't "as bad" as cutting or sexual self-harm. i understand greendiva and none of that takes away from your wonderful strengths as a nurse and friend. as several T's have told me over the last 34 years, they are both real, the compassionate high functioning professional and the very severely suffering and self-abusive hurt individual. i totally get it. hard for me too though.

i know my dear that you have suffered great hurts and that inside there is terrible pain. and it unfortunately gets expressed like this. i really do believe that for me and many of us the self-abuse is a language, it is the only way we know how to tell about our pain. and for me, it is only when i REALLY started to believe that and also felt that T REALLY KNEW AND BELIEVED THAT, and that i didn't have to do that for him to know, that i was able to stop it or at least seriously reduce it. please try to treat yourself as you would me or another survivor. you deserve that love and care.
with love,
recover xoxo
Fleur
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Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Fleur »

Hello Greendiva23

Hear you

It is not your fault when meds don't work as designed
Maybe by now the prescription has changed and hopefully you are feeling brighter

You're not crazy for expressing yourself by hitting elevator walls
Just a sign something might be really bothering you , even if you are unaware on conscious level

May 2016 bring you peace joy harmony good health and many enjoyable special moments and fun

Kind regards from Fleur
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
honeybera
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Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by honeybera »

greendiva23, please know that I hear you, too. I'm too moved by what has been said here, especially by recover, to say much else (a real change for me), but I'm here for you as well. Please know that, too.

Honeybera
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Jan 09, 2016 7:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
Xanthia
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Posts: 3094
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Xanthia »

Happy Birthday dear Greendiva23.

May life have brightened since you last shared here.

I trust that you can celebrate the beginning of a wonderful personal new year.
Xanthia
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