these feelings are so hard:(

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greendiva23
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Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:42 pm

these feelings are so hard:(

Post by greendiva23 »

I want to be angry but I'm not. Not really, anyway. I mean sometimes I wish I could have had certain things as a child, and I'm a little bit resentful. But those feelings aren't overwhelming. I'm okay, it's okay.

What I find so hard is admitting that I wanted those things at all in the first place. That I wanted my mom (or maybe just somebody, anybody) to be loving and soothing to me. I wanted my mom to comfort me when I was bullied at school. I wanted her to be there when I cried. I'm just... so embarrassed to say that.

Every time I let myself think of that it can only be for like a minute because if I continued I would almost definitely cry, and to be honest, I really haven't cried about any of this yet. And I don't really want to because...well because it's too painful. There's also this big part of me that always hijacks the moment with "You got by just fine without those things, you didn't really need them just get over it". It's the same voice that doesn't allow me to be completely vulnerable with anybody, not even my boyfriend of 4 years. He has seen me break down, sure. But when I REALLY need to cry, and when I'm really in the bad place then I have to beg him to leave the room. I force him to wait outside the bathroom if I'm throwing up. It's not fair to him, not really, but I can't help myself.

It's the same part of me that doesn't let me cry in therapy. When my therapist asks me what I would have wanted someone to tell me when I was a little girl, I can't come up with anything. The best I usually do is "something nice". It's like I CAN'T be nice to myself. Why?!?!?!
~~Rule your mind or it will rule you~~
Noname
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Noname »

Hi greendiva23,
Oh boy, can I relate to pretty much all of that... I'm sorry that you never had your needs met when you were little, and all of the difficulties it's causing for you now. Sending tons of care and support to you.
recover
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by recover »

hi greendiva23,
reading and sending support.
take good care,
recover
Posie
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Posie »

I can relate to this a lot too, been really struggling with similar recently :( One thing which has helped a bit is a book recommended by someone here called 'Self Compassion' and it has helped me try to figure out ways of comforting myself when things are bad or hurting. It sounded a bit crazy but I have found it's helped.

I too have desperately wanted a mother relationship or just anyone who actually cared about me, ideally someone I could talk to when I need to, someone to want the best for me, someone to be genuinely interested in my life. For me, although the more visible stuff is what the outside world sees as awful abuse I think it is the lack of love, care, respect and interest which has hurt me the most but I too always avoided admitting that as thought I should 'just get over it and stop being needy'. I have a husband who loves me but I can't feel/accept it and over the years a couple of other people have tried to care in a parent-like way but I was so terrified I started avoiding them in case they saw the 'real' me and I found they didn't care 'enough' after all. I'm still deep down hoping though that one day I'll find this magic person who likes me, understands me and wants to be there along side me.

Since I've had my own children, watching them grow and develop has made me realise how much difference having a loving, supporting parent really makes to their life and I'm now beginning to realise that it is reasonable to feel sad about having missed out on that. My eldest is 11 and just having a hug before she goes out to face the world and all the struggles of the day makes a difference, knowing she can talk and someone will listen, knowing someone will be there in her corner.... Makes me feel sad that so many of us missed out on that. No wonder we feel isolated and hurt so much.

I hope this helped you feel less alone and you don't feel I'm hi-jacking your thread.

safe hugs, Posie x
greendiva23
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Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:42 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by greendiva23 »

Posie wrote:I can relate to this a lot too, been really struggling with similar recently :( One thing which has helped a bit is a book recommended by someone here called 'Self Compassion' and it has helped me try to figure out ways of comforting myself when things are bad or hurting. It sounded a bit crazy but I have found it's helped.

I too have desperately wanted a mother relationship or just anyone who actually cared about me, ideally someone I could talk to when I need to, someone to want the best for me, someone to be genuinely interested in my life. For me, although the more visible stuff is what the outside world sees as awful abuse I think it is the lack of love, care, respect and interest which has hurt me the most but I too always avoided admitting that as thought I should 'just get over it and stop being needy'. I have a husband who loves me but I can't feel/accept it and over the years a couple of other people have tried to care in a parent-like way but I was so terrified I started avoiding them in case they saw the 'real' me and I found they didn't care 'enough' after all. I'm still deep down hoping though that one day I'll find this magic person who likes me, understands me and wants to be there along side me.

Since I've had my own children, watching them grow and develop has made me realise how much difference having a loving, supporting parent really makes to their life and I'm now beginning to realise that it is reasonable to feel sad about having missed out on that. My eldest is 11 and just having a hug before she goes out to face the world and all the struggles of the day makes a difference, knowing she can talk and someone will listen, knowing someone will be there in her corner.... Makes me feel sad that so many of us missed out on that. No wonder we feel isolated and hurt so much.

I hope this helped you feel less alone and you don't feel I'm hi-jacking your thread.

safe hugs, Posie x
Posie,

THANK YOU for this beautiful reply. I appreciate it more than I can even convey in this post...it means everything to not feel alone in this. It's such a sad, wounded part of me and finally sharing it and having somebody completely GET IT... I'm so thankful and happy.

Posie, my heart breaks for little - girl you. You needed and deserved to have somebody love you, support you, encourage you, console you... And you need and deserve that still today. I'm still working on accepting that myself, and I hope one day I can get there. I hope you can too.

I LOVE YOU so much, please don't be shy to get in touch ANY TIME...I feel connected to you now to be honest, so I would more than welcome it:):)
~~Rule your mind or it will rule you~~
Forestfairy7
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Forestfairy7 »

Oh my gosh I relate to that too. If it helps (to find words for what you wish you were told), maybe instead of using that context picture a niece or other small child crying and picture what you'd tell her, and then tell it to yourself , either picturing a younger you or your current you. Or if that's too hard, what I've done since I WAS that child was to picture someone on tv I thought was really nurturing-looking comforting me. I mean, I'm not totally healed, but I think doing that helped me make it through all the pain. Part of me still hurt cause it's not real, but I did feel way better. I still do that sometimes. Especially if I need to cry but I'm scared to ask anyone to be there for me (like if something triggered me that I'm afraid they wouldn't understand)... I have a double-pillow-stuffed pillowcase with a shirt over it to cuddle on and cry on when I need to feel like someone's there but feel too weird about someone actually being there... It really helps. And then I pamper myself with favorite music or tv shows or movies.
Last edited by ajei on Tue Sep 23, 2014 6:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: changed trigger from MT to NT
Posie
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Posie »

Hi GreenDiva23,

I'm glad my reply helped a bit- I always worry that I'm getting it wrong and making people feel worse or just being plain stupid.... I guess that comes from all the criticism we received and never feeling 'good enough'.

It feels amazing to me too to find that someone else understands me and it's weird after years of feeling isolated by being different to find people here who are so similar :D. In another post you mentioned your mum forcing you to eat a sandwich and I'd forgotten very similar happening to me, it sounds fairly innocuous but the completely irrational rage and fear involved make it feel traumatic but not something an outsider would understand. (I'm just picturing at age 8 trying to explain to a teacher how I was unhappy because I'd been forced to eat something and suspect it would have been seen as an over reaction to a normal parenting issue)

You mention deserving better and I have to say I struggle with the concept of 'deserving' but am trying to look after myself by being more understanding of how the past is influencing my present and accepting myself more. I tell myself I NEEDED more (support, protection, love, acceptance etc) to be able to grow/develop into a healthy balanced person, if that makes sense? We all needed more and I'm sure we did deserve better and I feel so sad at how many of us there are who feel so sad and hurt, and how many of us are still struggling in our adult lives because we didn't get the care we needed.

Thanks so much for your support and understanding,
Posie xx
greendiva23
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Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:42 pm

Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by greendiva23 »

Posie wrote:
It feels amazing to me too to find that someone else understands me and it's weird after years of feeling isolated by being different to find people here who are so similar :D.
Exactly! It's weird but positive too, and really encouraging and validating. Love you!
Posie wrote:
You mention deserving better and I have to say I struggle with the concept of 'deserving' but am trying to look after myself by being more understanding of how the past is influencing my present and accepting myself more. I tell myself I NEEDED more (support, protection, love, acceptance etc) to be able to grow/develop into a healthy balanced person, if that makes sense? We all needed more and I'm sure we did deserve better and I feel so sad at how many of us there are who feel so sad and hurt, and how many of us are still struggling in our adult lives because we didn't get the care we needed.
What a beautiful approach Posie! You might not be comfortable with fully embracing the concept of having "deserved" a safe childhood, but you are taking healthy steps and practicing self care by doing so at your own pace and by making sure that you are comfortable with your own process!:) you kind rock, just saying!

I also often feel sad when I see how many of us are hurting in very much the same way and for very much the same reasons. I struggle to find meaning in what happened bc Why should I have to find meaning in something that was WRONG?? Abuse should never happen to little innocent children, ever. BUT it did, and the only way to move forward is to find meaning in it so it's a work in progress!!

I am sending you lots of comfort and loving vibes
~~Rule your mind or it will rule you~~
If
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by If »

When I was a little girl I used to constantly fantasize about having a loving, attentive older sister. I was an adult before I realized it was because my mother was emotionally absent.

I so relate to your feelings. It's hard to cry because you had to stuff all those feelings down as a matter of survival when you were a child. It's like putting down your weapon after having been raised in a combat zone. Tears are healing. There have been times that I'm home alone and go into my room, roll up in a blanket and let the sorrow come. It's helped me.
Jonesy
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Re: these feelings are so hard:(

Post by Jonesy »

greendiva23 wrote:That I wanted my mom (or maybe just somebody, anybody) to be loving and soothing to me. I wanted my mom to comfort me when I was bullied at school. I wanted her to be there when I cried. I'm just... so embarrassed to say that.
Hi greendiva23

These feelings are perfectly normal and very understandable. It's what we all wish for in a mum.
Never feel embarrassed for wanting that which should have been yours in the first place.
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
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