Letting go

[wolfspirit]

Sing it Aretha! Sing it honeybera!

[Fleur]

May you quickly recover Honeybera

[honeybera]

Thanks guys! Still ill (even a fever of 101-102º) and severe stomach cramps. I am weak and lethargic, too. And kind of ditsy (brain fog) and lightheadedness and a runny nose. I don't know what this is, but I suspect that I may have the answer. I am treating it and feel a bit better day by day. But if it worsens, I'll call the doc.

I managed to water my dry, dry yard today and harvest a BUNCH of strawberries and my one edible Gelber Englischer Custard Squash (sold by rareseeds dot com), a yummy little squash that unfortunately the bugs got to and have now killed one of the plants. I'm afraid that it may have just been too hot out there for it, even with only morning and very early morning sun. As it weakened, the bugs just took over. I have two more across the yard (albeit in FULL SUN) and they are surviving...barely. Today should be the last day of HEAT, tapering off tomorrow to merely VERY WARM (low to mid 90s). Hey, I'll take relief where I can get it. And the tomatoes, peppers, and herbs look fantastic!

I made a pot of NOT-SO-KETO-FRIENDLY ham hocks (friendly) and pinto beans (not-so-friendly, but full of fiber) in my Instant Pot pressure cooker yesterday. I'll finish them tomorrow and then back to a ketogenic diet! I'm also out of our keto muffins, so I'll try to make those before collapsing: Lemon-Blueberry with real frozen blueberries! It sounds so good! And I'm going to the store with DS to get some AVOCADOS and other fresh veggies! I want my salads back! At the beginning of this WOE, I was eating that every night! And I love fried pork chops with lots of fat on them (bone in - dogs love the bone part, too ) with a nice salad! WITH AVOCADO!! - so good for me! And mayo made with olive oil - so EASY! I have become rather lax in doing this and need to get back to it NOW. I've just been too weak and sick to do so, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I'm also going to try out a new muffin recipe: Caramel-Spice muffins with Pecans. I have some special "Baking Spice" from a spice store that I buy from and I'm thinking of tossing a teaspoon or two into my standard mix and adding some sugar free DaVinci Caramel syrup (a couple of squirts or three) or maybe some Caramel flavored baking essentials (flavored oils), and some toasted chopped pecans, like a ¼-½ cup. I'll bet that would be really good! For more fiber, I'm going to add to these AND the Lemon-Blueberry some ground psyllium husk (which is in Metamucil, but is flavorless in a muffin and even improves the texture) and some oat fiber (NOT oat flour or oat bran!). Both are keto friendly and crazy high in fiber. As is the aforementioned AVOCADO! I'm looking forward to returning to health and a more productive life and continuing in that manner...!

But tonight I am very tired. Been up all day, not too active, but it should get better. My fever is getting less and less. Let's hope that it all keeps improving.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I'm feeling the NEED to share this. I hope it doesn't upset anyone. (RE: subject of rape - you are warned.)

I watch a TV program called I Survived on the Justice Network. Excellent show about people who have survived truly horrible things against all odds. I "tape" them to my DVR and watch them at my leisure. Fascinating stuff.

Today's was about a 13 yr. old kid that was kidnapped and raped repeatedly for a week or so and then left to die chained to a buried box in the ground in a forested area. But the real story for me is that he was rescued by some hunters passing nearby...and how he resolved such a terrible thing in his own mind! (His rapist was murdered in prison many years later by a cellmate who had been abused as a child - it was not his first offense of rape, not by a long shot - just desserts!?) This former victim said that he was distraught afterwards and turned to drugs and drinking for comfort (mine was food and smoking), but went to church one night and turned to God. And then he felt a calling to counsel other victims of childhood abuse. WOW. Here's what he said about that now (as a functioning adult):

If there's anything that I could say to children who are being abused or who have been abused, to adults that have been abused as children, is that you've done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you keep it to yourself, they get away with what they've done. They've not paid the price for what they've done to you. And you can take hope that there can be a life, you can live without that fear, you can live without that pain.

It was so powerful to hear that from a person who suffered more than me. I just suffered the mistreatment and abuse for a much longer time and by someone who should have been my greatest champion, but never was because of her own personal issues, personality, and fantasies! It hurts to be rejected and despised.

I've also been wanting to share a recurring thought I have been having over the past few days re: the incredible waste of a potentially wonderful relationship between MD and myself. We could be supporting one another right now (no one in the world shares as much history as we do), but I dare not even approach her. If I have some good/bad thing happen to me, her reaction is very predictable: for good, she'll try to sabotage, for bad, she'll feel barely containable GLEE and try to one-up me (I'm feeling worse than YOU sort of thing, like grief for my father's passing) or "feel sorry for me", but with a disingenuous smirk that she just can't hide. Still, it's sad that she's that way and that I have to stay away from her for my own self preservation. We both lose that way. Oh well.

However, I have decided that since I can't visit MD, I may as well ENJOY my OWN life to the fullest! I mean, I feel I should LOOK for the positives and then revel in them! I am truly blessed!

I'm getting a camera/floodlight/doorbell system put into my porch and house front as soon as I find a good electrician. I already bought the equipment. Now just pay the electrician and see how he does. If he does well, we have a butt load of repairs that need to be done.

Ms. T is getting weaker by the day, but at least she's still with us and still enjoys her food and a nice scratch behind the ears from time to time. We're doing our best for her. She's having a bad day today, but may have a great one tomorrow. (Fingers crossed!)

I have a TON of stuff to do in the kitchen today. I'd better get at it! I'm feeling a bit better, day by day. I'm going to study how to do a "gallbladder/liver flush/cleanse/etc." and see if that doesn't help. The fever is GONE, but the kitchen fridge is still a mess, so I need to clean that first and THEN make some fathead something-or-other and my muffins! (To start!)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{♥♥ALL OF YOU!!♥♥}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

You find inspiration from many different places and people, honeybera. It is nice to read about.
I'm glad you're feeling better day by day and hope that it continues to improve.
I love avocado. I can eat them like apples (minus the skin and seed lol).
Gently petting Ms T...

<3
ws

[honeybera]

You find inspiration from many different places and people, honeybera. It is nice to read about.
I'm glad you're feeling better day by day and hope that it continues to improve.

Ah, dear Ms. ws!!! Hello! Good news today! I "did my pills" on Friday evening (as usual), but I was suffering SO MUCH PAIN in my upper right quadrant of my chest and in my back that I decided that it just might be the new meds that I had started several weeks ago, or at least that they may be exacerbating the pain. Oh, it got AWFUL! NO relief from that horrible PAIN. I could barely walk to the bathroom. It felt like my legs would just go out from under me! I was ready to go to the doctor's office and have them tell me that they were going to "have to" remove my gallbladder.

So I decided to NOT take the new pills anymore. And yesterday was better. And today is virtually pain free!!

Now...was it the new pills? Or is this just a coincidence or poor timing on my part? I do not know, and I sure don't want to jump to conclusions, BUT...I do know that I'm nearly pain free this morning! I also know that I could SLEEP last night without startling pain shocking me awake, repeatedly!! And I do know that I am chomping at the bit to get out to the front yard with my weedeater as the sun goes down to cut a few random scrawny weeds that have grown out there (probably tempting the lady from the City, my nemesis to pounce on us with yet another $100 fine!! Nuts to that!) I TOTALLY could NOT have done that with the debilitating pain I was experiencing!!!

The current "pain" is more like an irritating ache in my back. My distended gut has relaxed and is getting back to normal. I have had gallstones over 30 yrs. ago, but haven't had gallbladder pain since. So what was/is it? Still a mystery to me, but I know that it's a trickle of tolerable pain now rather than a runway torrent!! That was scary!!

I am not out of the woods yet though. That pain is still lurking in my back. So I'm taking it a bit easier today, that is I'm not going to get cray-cray with my chores or feel the need to "push" myself. I think that the weedeating in the front will be enough EXCEPT for giving my tomatoes and peppers a good dose of this "miracle" kelp and fish fertilizer - lots of 5 stars on Amazon! Rave reviews! So we'll see.

I also found this marvelous "tomato-tying" method by Velcro over on Amazon, too - and does it work!!! Oh boy HOWDY! It comes with a dispenser that I can REFILL (lots cheaper that way and the refills are at Home Depot!) and I can cut the ties as long or as short as I please! And they're REUSABLE! So I am happy to get out there and tie up my wildly growing tomatoes and keep them in line. There are blossoms and tiny green tomatoes EVERYWHERE! Most of my tomatoes are cherry or grape tomatoes, too, meaning that I'm about to get a real GLUT of them coming ripe! I hope I can handle it!

My attempts at squash were mediocre at best. I'm going to pull most of them out and toss them. I had a plate of squash last night from one of the surviving plants, and it was very good (yellow summer squash, cubed + lotsa butter + salt + pepper + a dash of that heavenly Lake Shore Drive seasoning; nuked for 4 min., covered). That plant is still thriving, as is my White Scallop and the one next to it. Some disease came roaring through my garden: little black dots all over the leaves on every kind of plant and tree I have, and my squash plants seemed very susceptible, but these surviving squash just shrugged it off. These varieties are tops on my list for planting next year, that's for sure, due to their apparent natural immunity.

And in the pots of the spoiled ones, I'm sprinkling some carrot seeds. We'll see how I do with that. And you should see my herb garden! CHIVES everywhere! And nearby in a pot placed in the sun: TWO kinds of rosemary (creeping and upright). And my salvia is THRIVING, too, making my hummingbirds VERY VERY HAPPY! I have three pots of black-and-blue (aptly named: google for a pic), some Red Hot Mama and some Purple Lighthouse, all blooming tall and proud! GORGEOUS! And down near the corner of the house are my Flame and Hot Lips varieties, but I can't see them right now from my WOW. And now I have hummingbirds flitting by daily and taking a sip. (Also GORGEOUS - to watch from my "Window on the World" with its mirrored window film since these are in pots right in front of it, allowing me to watch them up close without being seen!) And salvia is a perennial in this area! So they'll be here next year, too, if I do what I need to do in the meantime. And I will, God willing! If they survived my neglect before, they are a shoo-in for success this year!

I love avocado. I can eat them like apples (minus the skin and seed lol).

I do, too - and they are SO good for you! I believe that FINALLY getting some on last Thursday's shopping trip was also instrumental in my improving health. Full of fiber and HEALTHY fat, you can't go wrong.

Gently petting Ms T...

Oh ws! THANK YOU! She's even having some trouble standing to eat or drink, but I suppose that I am just an odd ball who doesn't believe that that is a "logical" reason/excuse/conclusion leading to a capital offense for HER. I am treating her as I would want to be treated. And I am not God.

Plus I was lucky enough to read an article (online natch) in which a woman ("expert") whose dog had Doggy Alzheimer's decided that when her dog no longer "responded to her" that she would have her "put down". OMG. Well, the day came when her pooch no longer responded to her or apparently recognized her and she took her beloved pet dog to the vet to be "put to sleep" and even held her on her lap as the vet did her thing...except she didn't die after her injections! According to this article, the dog was still awake and alert. The lady was informed that they'd have to do it AGAIN. And so they did...but it took them SIX TIMES to finish her poor pup! As she held her! She said in the article that if she could have, she would have stopped the "procedure" after the first attempt, but that she was told it was too late to do so.

This article impressed me...DEEPLY! I can vividly remember the first time I laid eyes on T: we were pulling up to DS's friend's house to drop DS off for a visit and seeing this tiny little black and white streak fly out of the house and zip around the front yard wildly, chasing her beige sister. (A beige was the supposed stud, but in the picture they had of him standing there proudly, lurking in the background was a little black-white-and-tan male. - GUESS WHO?!!) Ms. T was only 8 weeks old, and my friend's mother sold her to me for $200 (because she was black and not beige). And we put her in the car for the LONG 400-mile trip home. She was scared to death, but her breeding as a FEIST, the nickname of the breed, led her to show her attitude, and she was named Ms. T (after being the female counterpart of Mr. T) before we even got home. And she's been the Head Bitch around here ever since. Faithful old dog, we are truly blessed having her here with us still, some 15 yrs. later. We just need to be patient and loving with her. And as loyal to her as she has been to us.

We will truly miss her when she's gone, but she ain't gone yet!!! And she is NOT suffering either. She is currently standing with one paw in the water dish, looking slightly confused, but she'll move when she wants to. She paces the backyard constantly, back and forth. Lots of love and understanding, as with any Alzheimer's patient. That's how we roll here. We choose to tolerate her confusion, as long as she's not suffering or hurting herself or others. She has good moments and bad. Good days and bad. She's such a good dog. Always has been. I'd rather have her here with me.

So yes, thank you for the pet for her. I will make sure that she gets it. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ws}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dinner time now! This Sunday afternoon just slipped away from me. On the menu? PORK CHOPS fried in LARD and an avocado salad with 2 avocados (+ onion, tomatoes, lettuce, and homemade mayo) and maybe some cooked veggies (broccoli? cabbage?)! And a lemon-blueberry muffin for dessert with a thick layer of mascarpone cheese on top. YUMMMMMM! Going to eat now!

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

Drooling as always, when you describe your meals.
Glad the pain has subsided for now! sending healing energy and hoping it continues to lessen. Pain is not friendly at all.

I loved reading the story of Ms. T! I believe all animals we love have been in our lives for a reason. Sounds like she's the spunky spark that needed to be in your life. So special.

Here's to an interesting week ahead for all of us!

<3
ws

[honeybera]

What are you looking at me for?
I ain't got nothing to say.
If you don't like the looks of me
Just look the other way.

================================================================

OMG! I like this saying/poem SO MUCH! This has been my mantra in one way or another over the years, with similar or different words, but always the same ATTITUDE! And it's EXACTLY why MD could not stand me!!!!!!!!!!!! And WHY she could not easily BEAT me down and break my spirit, NOR could she control me. It's not exactly belligerent, nor is it condescending, but it IS a form of self preservation and protection. And with a bit of self love thrown in...and if you can't love yourself, who in the heck else will/should love you??

MD always complained that "My Song" (according to MD) was (If You Don't Happen To Like It,) Pass Me By - Frank Sinatra or Peggy Lee. "THAT is YOUR song, _____!!" , like it's a shameful bad song or something. It's not! To me, it's like a song of self survival! Even back then I could fight back with the thoughts of "I'm ok, and if you don't like it, too bad. Then don't watch me." I've ALWAYS been this way! Not a good kid for a RAGING CONTROL FREAK to have!! I do sometimes wonder how God chose MD and me to partner up as mother and daughter??? Was it as a joke? Divinely twisted form of entertainment? Pairing an overwhelmingly insecure and potentially vicious and brutal narcissist with an intellectually gifted autistic with a gentle soul and yet an indomitable spirit? I wonder who would laugh at such dark humor? "But heck! Let's pair them up anyway and see what happens?!!"

Over the years in different songs or different poems/sayings, I understand and hear what's being said in other verses with words similar to this. This one caught my ear tonight and I wrote it down to share with you. Willy Nelson's grandmother had taught it to him as a baby and he shared it. I hope someone else likes it, too.

(My favorite rendition of "my song" can be found on YouTube - just google "Peggy Lee Pass Me By" and select the video in the middle with the majorettes. This means a lot to me since when I was in high school I was a "banner girl" for our school band, for parades and football games and all, who wore a uniform similar to that seen in the video complete with tassels on my knee high white boots. VERY snazzy...and I was a HIGH STEPPER! )

Pass Me By
(Frank Sinatra)
I got me ten fine toes to wiggle in the sand,
Lots of idle fingers snap to my command,
A loverly pair of heels that kick to beat the band,
Contemplating nature can be fascinating,
Add to these a nose that I can thumb, and a mouth by gum have I
So tell the whole wide world, if you don't happen to like it,
Deal me out, thank you kindly, pass me by.

Behold me two great shoes that never saw a shine,
Houses I could hold up with a laundry line.
A loverly patch that hide an awful lot of spine.
Shirtails flying, I'm a blooming dandelion.
Add to these, a grin from ear to ear, all the proper gear have I,
So tell the whole wide world, if you don't like the thought of it,
Bail me out, thank you kindly, pass me by.

I need to get back into life again!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I've been pondering lately about how much MORE of my time I should give to MD and her horrid memories that she brought to my childhood. I know I must have messed up her utopian fantasy vision of life after her marriage to my father at the age of 16 (he was a vet of WWII and 7 yrs. her senior at 23!). I was to be the anchor baby...she promised him a boy! She got pregnant after 4 months of marriage (she counted!), and 9 months later, there I was. In writing on here I have come to realize that it was HER overwhelming stress that caused me to cry and cry and cry! Well, that and my aunt warning MD that to pick me up EVER would make me SPOILED, whatever that means! But instead of calming down and giving me the maternal love that I needed, she left me alone in that white WHITE crib area with a propped bottle filled with milk and phenobarbital COMPLETELY ALONE. Heck, SHE needed the phenobarbital more than ME!!

My other auntie told her to potty train me at around 2 yrs. old, but MD being MD (especially as a mixed up teenager with a mean streak, which she was) she decided to potty train me at 9 months, complete with spankings for accidents. I'm not even sure if I could walk yet. But even if I could, a 9 mo. old baby can't decide to get up when the urge hits and run for the bathroom, pull down their pants, and go. Ridiculous! But logical for a 17 yr. old feeling the intense pressure to be perfect and make this life work like it did in the movies with Claudette Colbert!! She HAD TO BE that kind of perfect and flawless housewife!!! PERIOD!! She even ironed our pillowcases and towels! But I was left abandoned by her in my crib.

I can see what happened. I have figured it out. Now what am I to do with it? It's 70+ yrs. later - I know what I did (and didn't do) and what I am to blame for (not one damned thing!) and how I was truly the victim...but NOW what? I also know what she did...but so what? It doesn't matter some 70 yrs. later. It's all about what I DO NOW. I really need to ponder this!

Honeybera

[dancingfish]

Sometimes I find myself thinking on the distant past, and wonder about my doing that. I think when it happens it's because I'm somehow processing something, and it's time I'm giving myself to do this. This feels like a better way of thinking about it, and I try not to dwell too long or else it turns into more recollection than I care for.

Maybe there's a reason that's all yours as to why you're thinking on things, or maybe it's just random thoughts. You are choosing what you do though, so it's not someone else taking away from you I think. Or at least, I can think of it as that. :D

There's usually something more interesting in the present to occupy me though. So I turn my thinking that way, and let go of another little bit of sadness about the past and what was lost. There's a whole lot of great stuff in the here and now to delight us. :) And I am thinking of your peach trees again... :D

Wishing you all the best with however you think and feel of things! :)