Letting go

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Moderators: quixote, Ashia, ajei

Post Reply
honeybera
Member
Posts: 703
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:20 am

===================================================(two days later)

Well, nuts. I seem to have lost a bit of what I wrote yesterday. BUT TODAY I have had another epiphany! I AM FEELING MUCH LESS DEPRESSED!!! And what a miracle that is!!! Even N noticed it and mentioned it to me. By eating that scrumptious pork chop or rib eye steak with all the fat on it? Yep! And with my tastes in food (skin ON the chicken, fat ON the meats), I'm in hog heaven! PLUS THE WEIGHT LOSS! Where has this been all my life??!! :lol:

I'm about to run down to the store to get that deal on 77¢/lb. chicken thighs (with skin on!) to be fried in pure pork lard for my dinner...! YUM! I'm eating (on average) one meal each day until I'm just full and that one meal usually lasts until the following day. I do have a concoction of ½t. coffee + ~4-6T. heavy whipping cream + a few drops of liquid Splenda + some flavorings du jour (today's eg., chocolate hazelnut, cream cheese frosting, + a dash of Saigon cinnamon - OMG GOOD!!) + 1T. liquid coconut oil. I'm using hot water from my tea kettle now instead of the old Hood chocolate milk (low fat and low carb). This new blend is healthier and better for me and tastes just as good, even if it's not as creamy a mouth feel.

I'm pairing my crispy chicken thighs with an avocado/carrot/tomato/onion/lettuce salad with another tablespoon of liquid coconut oil, a splash of apple cider vinegar (with the mother), plus some mayo (which I'm about to begin making instead of buying at the store because Best Foods/Hellman's is made with BOTH sugar AND soybean oil! :x ), and maybe an additional tablespoon of store-bought salad dressing, any flavor (usually 1-2 net carbs per T). Once the dressing is gone, I'm making my own of that, too, with my homemade mayonnaise! I am really getting INTO THIS! I have the time, I have the money, and I'm sick of my big gut. It only makes sense for me to put my efforts into that which can save me...if it's not too late already, which I think it's NOT. Not yet anyway.

================================================(2 hours later)

Had my dinner. Mm-mm! Now I'm off to the store to pick up a few things. I think I'll try making mayo for the first time tonight, plus some "keto muffins" for my freezer. Love to have a chocolate one with a cuppa tea. (They're made with almond flour and oat fiber.) Filling and soothing. Nice. :mrgreen:

{{{{Fleur and there}}}}}

Honeybera
Last edited by Ashia on Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed duplicated section from previous post, as per guidelines.

there
Member
Posts: 4955
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Letting go

Post by there » Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:59 am

honeybera,

Sounds like a very positive visit with N.
Thank you for posting the re-parenting affirmations by Pete Walker.
Great that you're feeling much less depressed :)
I get hungry every time I visit your site thread!
"Love yourself, for no one can be closer or spend more time with you...Remain aware, for you are now new." Sr. Corita Kent, artist

Fleur
Member
Posts: 12235
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Wed Jan 10, 2018 4:04 am

Hello Honeybera


Appreciate Pete Walker quote

Sounds like life is getting brighter and better for you

Agree -- NEVER too late to alter lifestyle habits


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 703
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sat Jan 13, 2018 7:51 am

there wrote:
Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:59 am
Sounds like a very positive visit with N.
Thank you for posting the re-parenting affirmations by Pete Walker.
Great that you're feeling much less depressed :)
I get hungry every time I visit your site thread!
Fleur wrote:
Wed Jan 10, 2018 4:04 am
Appreciate Pete Walker quote

Sounds like life is getting brighter and better for you

Agree -- NEVER too late to alter lifestyle habits
Hey there and Fleur! Glad you liked those Reparenting Affirmations. Isn't Pete Walker great? I am feeling MUCH less depressed these days. Each morning just as soon as my eyes are open, I watch one of ol' Butter Bob's YouTube videos. It cheers me up for the day. This WOE is working so well! Even the way I'm walking is improving! Yesterday I noticed that I'm no longer waddling, but am rather striding down the hall at a normal pace! HALLELUJAH!! :mrgreen:

That type of thrill (and the shrinking of my big belly) is guaranteed to make me happy!! As I've mentioned before, I've named my hanging down stomach (aka a Panniculus) after MD since the fight-or-flight response from being beaten on a daily basis causes the hormone cortisol to increase which causes insulin to increase which causes FAT to increase, and that is what my panniculus is, hanging body fat. I've had this in increasing stages all my life, and MD never missed an opportunity to ridicule me about it. I'm now realizing that I've been rapidly heading for my diabetes since birth due to the stress I've endured. I've done everything wrong to stop it...until now. And after only a month of this kind of WOE (way of eating) and nearly a year away from the monster that is STILL MD, I can actually FEEL the reduction of fat from all over my body! It may have taken 7 decades to get here, but I am so pleased that I'm finally here! LCHF/IF (low carb/high fat and intermittent fasting)!! And lowered stress levels. And I'm even making there hungry when I speak of my yummy diet! I can do this forever!!

And the only thing that has surprised me with fasting is how bloody EASY it is! FAT FLOATS. A stick of pure butter will float on water. The higher the fat content, the more something will float. When a higher fat diet is used (and we all know that fat makes everything taste great), the fat in our stomachs floats, giving a longer lasting satiety. So one benefit of eating this higher fat diet is that I don't get hungry and can fast for 20 hours per day (20:4). I have a 4 hr. window, usually from 2pm-6pm to eat. Then I'm satisfied and not hungry. It's relatively easy.

But I have to get my sleep, too. Tomorrow I'm making homemade keto mayo for the first time, cleaning the kitchen fridge out, and make some more keto blueberry-lemon muffins because they just sound good to go with chamomile tea. YUM! I'm also making some homemade chicken-veggie soup in the beloved Instant Pot. Oh! And planting chives inside and yellow onions and some carrots outside in Raised Bed #2. What a happy life!

{{{there and Fleur}}}} I wish I could fix you each a bowl of soup with a muffin and a cuppa. :mrgreen:

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 12235
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sat Jan 13, 2018 9:03 am

Hello Honeybera


Lemon and blueberry sounds a yummy combination

Really happy for you being able to move easier, see improvement in various ways


Cheers
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
Member
Posts: 703
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:13 am

Fleur wrote:
Sat Jan 13, 2018 9:03 am
Hello Honeybera


Lemon and blueberry sounds a yummy combination

Really happy for you being able to move easier, see improvement in various ways


Cheers
Hey Fleur! :mrgreen:

Yes, the blueberry and lemon is a nice combo, but I'm thinking that I can get the flavors without the blueberry carbs...at this time. Same with the fruit trees I have (apple, peach, pear, apricot, plum, and aprium [apricot-plum]). Just not now. I am trying to LET GO of the high FRUCTOSE sugars in the fruits AT THIS TIME. Maybe by the time the fruits begin to ripen in mid-June, I won't need to be so restrictive OR I may just dry some of it for later treats. Or just sell it to the local health food store. I will know more by then as to how I'm doing on my weight and general health. If I can have some of those early Donut peaches, I'd love to include them in my "feeding window" as a true dessert. What a treat! I sure do wish I could share with all of you in reality.

I had an odd thought yesterday. I was fantasizing about my eventual weight loss (as many of the videos I watch recommend, like "How will you feel when your weight is gone"? Or "What do you want from your weight loss? Picture/imagine it."), and I suddenly wanted to go see MD!!!!! :o The "why" of it particularly shocked me: she is now well over 200 lbs. for the first time in her normally slender life, is gorging on candy and other sugary things, and I wanted to go see her, dressed to the 9s, slender, nice makeup on, jewelry, and see how she likes it!! I WANTED TO WIN THE WEIGHT BATTLE and make HER feel like "less than" for a change! :roll:

And then I came to my senses and I LET IT GO!! Am I really still in it? That horrible, unwelcome competition that has ruled my life and me? And all she'd have to do was pretend to not even recognize what I'd done and praise herself instead and that would be that. She's a real expert at that tactic! She calls it being "dumb like a fox". Or let's say I would make her feel bad (less than) as she had done to me ALL MY LIFE: what exactly would I REALLY GAIN from that?? My answer: not a damned thing!!!! Maybe some guilty feelings, and that's it. But the urge to do so was certainly there. And it surprised me. Vindictive? Oh, hell yeah! I need to really take a hard look at that. I don't want to be that way.

My answer to all this?? Plant my onions today, maybe some carrots, some chives indoors, maybe heel in those bare root trees sitting in my garage. POSITIVE THINGS! Try making mayonnaise for the first time. Keep watching my videos. Make some muffins. LOVE MYSELF! I don't need to concern myself with the destructive games old MD used to play with me...and would again, IF I WOULD ALLOW HER TO!! Like Gandhi said:

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.

Mahatma Gandhi


Wow, here's another:
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
And I refuse to be dominated...by anyone, even my own negative thoughts.

Bless MD as she lays there slowly eating herself to death. She wouldn't listen to me and my warnings anyway. She likes (LOVES!!) her sweets. I can see where they're taking her. She's "prediabetic" already; she told me this some time ago, even before her tremendous weight gain. She doesn't truly understand what can happen. She's already had a bout with cellulitis; she didn't like it. What's next for her (and for me, who's in even worse shape than her at this time) can be loss of toes, feet, or legs, loss of vision, another stroke, heart attack, worse arthritis, and on and on and on! But even warning her would do no good (I've been at it for 70 yrs.) unless it came from my brother. So why bother? I need to save myself first, and that means staying away from her. I do call my brother (the one with his fists full of MD's money) to see how MD is doing. He has now placed her in an "assisted living" room with a bathroom, placed a TV on top of a dresser ("She doesn't really need a media center anymore.", he decided.), and she's just down the parking lot from our county's Hospice Center. Next step?? UGH. How frightening is THAT??!! I believe my best bet is to simply AVOID all of this mess and frustration. I have no control of any of it anyway and it only leads to upset for me. MD has chosen where to place her power (in dear brother's hands SOLELY) and I need to stay out of it, NOT to go for a visit "when I lose my weight". Oh GOD NO!!!

My job is to take the best care of me and mine that I can. Talk about a need to LET GO!
============================================== (hours later)
On a happier note [I guess...]:

Today I have been binge-watching YouTube videos of Dr. Ken D. Berry. Wow! Every day I am learning more and more about my own T2 diabetes! It's one ugly disease!! I can remember some 30 yrs. ago when I was first driving a Transit bus and I had a non-working lift (for disabled wheelchair bound passengers). I came upon a man in a wheelchair who was naturally needing the lift for the chair...but the man had NO FEET. When I apologized for the non-working lift, he became enraged, blaming me, saying that I was deliberately making up a story to avoid him. So sad! He let me know that it was T2 diabetes that had done this to him, amputating his feet. I NEVER EVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME, and Dr. Berry is explaining what I can do to avoid that kind of catastrophe in my own life. He is EMPOWERING me to never have the outcome that that poor man had with no feet. His image haunts me to this day.

There are answers for me on the internet. And so far, IT'S WORKING GREAT! Delicious foods (dinner tonight = two 3 oz. pork chops fried in lard, with asparagus + mayonnaise plus an avocado/bacon/tomato/lettuce salad with more mayo, ACV, and a splash of liquid coconut oil) and NO DIABETES? Oh, heck yeah!! I tried to weigh myself today, but ds is away ATM and I can't figure out how to set up my Wii Fit (I use the scale on there). So when he gets back, I'm going to weigh myself, but I've got so many BIG indentations on my body right now where the fat WAS, and just taking a shower I can FEEL the difference already, so I'm sure I've lost some pounds along the way already, even without weighing on a scale.

I'm going to go get my dinner now. I've already had the pork chops. [Aside to there: try getting some Apple Wood Smoked Sea Salt, preferably in a grinder bottle, at Trader Joe's or Amazon ($4.07 + free ship). It makes a pork chop taste like bacon! YUM!] The asparagus is waiting in the kitchen, and I still need to make the bacon and assemble the salad. Easy-peasy!

==================================================
I still haven't gotten up the courage to make the homemade mayo, but Butter Bob makes it look so very easy on his video with his stick blender. I know I can do this! I just need to DO it! But it's a bit of a hill for me to climb: "What if it isn't perfect??" Well, what if it isn't? And what if it doesn't taste good? Not exactly the end of the world. I'll get it done soon.

But now it's almost time for bedtime chores and my "antipasti salad", which is what I ended up with separated and arranged on a plate: cold asparagus + green olives + 1 avocado + 1 fresh tomato (cut into large dice) + minced red onion + mayo/ACV/coconut oil (dressing) + Greek seasoning. Should be good, and it's full of good fats (so it's filling) - eaten by 6pm. Then to bed by 8pm after late night chores plus a nice soothing shower.

♥{{{{{{{{Fleur and everyone following my journey}}}}}}}♥

Honeybera
Last edited by Ashia on Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT

Fleur
Member
Posts: 12235
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:36 am

Hello Honeybera


It is a great idea to consider the what if/when of new things, such as you say about regaining slimness

Can understand the imagining the switch between you and mother re weight. What else will be a plus for you? I'm thinking yep, wonderful to avoid the negatives such as diabetes and potential nasties - is there a personal positive somewhere?

May you enjoy your meal - with or without home style mayonnaise, smile - followed by restful sleep


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

there
Member
Posts: 4955
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Letting go

Post by there » Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:23 pm

I made mayo once. It was delicious!
Loving oneself is not necessarily easy, but well worth doing.
Congrats for doing that!
"Love yourself, for no one can be closer or spend more time with you...Remain aware, for you are now new." Sr. Corita Kent, artist

honeybera
Member
Posts: 703
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:44 am

Fleur wrote:
Tue Jan 09, 2018 8:34 am
It does sound like you are making strides every which way. Well done my friend

May the rain truly be a blessing for you and in your district
Thank you, Fleur! I just FINALLY planted my new(ish) bare root trees (or actually semi-planted them; put them into a large tub with some planter mix around the bare roots). It's called "heeling in", and it's an emergency method for buying a little extra time before planting them in their permanent home. My problem was three-fold: 1) That HUGE creepy black widow next to the outside door from the garage into the back yard (I finally killed her last Thursday night...UGH + EEEWWW!! :x and 2) putting the trees as a priority, although I did throw a bit of water on them every few days. Once the Queen Cootie was dead, I finally just got out there, found a suitable big pot, unwrapped the three trees (their roots were in a skimpily filled bag with potting mix), stuck them in and filled up the pot with LOTS more mix. Then I watered them. I hope they make it! I'm not sure my Moonglow pear will. It's fairly brittle. But we'll see. Life is so resilient. Look at all of us! We made it against the odds, didn't we? :P And 3) that bamboo tree is coming back, just where the new fruit trees are to go. That bamboo does this spreading thing every year, but it's dealing with a whole new person this year, and it's going DOWN!! :x :lol: It's spread to RB#1 AND RB#3!! So once I'm confident that the bamboo has been conquered, I'll plant the new trees. It may take a while...I even have to get rid of the roots, but they are fairly shallow, and I'm sharpening my mattock tonight!! I double dare it!!! :mrgreen:
Fleur wrote:
Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:36 am
It is a great idea to consider the what if/when of new things, such as you say about regaining slimness

Can understand the imagining the switch between you and mother re weight. What else will be a plus for you? I'm thinking yep, wonderful to avoid the negatives such as diabetes and potential nasties - is there a personal positive somewhere?

May you enjoy your meal - with or without home style mayonnaise, smile - followed by restful sleep
there wrote:
Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:23 pm
I made mayo once. It was delicious!
Loving oneself is not necessarily easy, but well worth doing.
Congrats for doing that!
Making mayo with an egg yolk, some Dijon mustard, and a cup of olive oil makes it a "good fat", and I can thereby have it on my Keto diet. YAY! I eat a LOT of mayo. In fact, I believe I'll make some right now and have it with some of the leftover asparagus. I found out watching my keto/IF videos that Best Foods mayo is made with soybeans and sugar!! :x ICKY!! Not good for me at all! So...IF I CAN make some "delicious" mayo to fill in for the brand that I've eaten and loved since childhood, I will make it my NEW go-to! Be right back...!

=================================================(an hour later)

OMG! IT CAME OUT PERFECTLY!!! Best Foods Mayonnaise has lost a customer PERMANENTLY! And it was so EASY!! I really didn't think it was going to turn out so nicely, but IT DID!! I broke the first egg yolk, so I put it in with the egg white, set it aside, and tried, tried again. The second time it went great. Then I added 1T. water, a pinch of Celtic Sea Salt, 1 T. apple cider vinegar (with the mother - ACV, Bragg's brand) instead of the 1T. lemon juice, but I'll try lemon juice next time, MIXED IT using my stick blender, AND then dumped in 1 cup extra light olive oil. All in together and mixed well with the stick blender. No drizzling, no fear. Et voila!! MAYONNAISE! Rich and creamy and PERFECT! I put it away in the fridge where the Best Foods used to be. HUZZAH!!! :mrgreen:

Even the clean up was easy! Filled a cup with a few drops of liquid dish soap and hot water, blended that with stick blender, rinsed well, and put away. Easy-peasy! This is getting to be fun!

TOMORROW: I wanted some chicken soup last night with some nice fatty chicken legs (thighs + drumsticks) from a 10 lb. bag I got at my new favorite market for 38¢/lb. :shock: Watched some keto chicken soup videos, got some ideas, and made 5 legs this morning in my instant pot with only salt, oregano, and some thyme + lots of water. I made Mexican style chicken-veg. soup for lunch with some of the chicken meat and broth (added cumin seeds, Mexican seasoning, cabbage, and zucchini with cilantro, nuked it for 9 min. and then added Sriracha, cilantro, and sour cream to garnish), but I have a lot of the chicken left over, so tomorrow I'm mixing my new, fresh, olive oil mayo with some curry powder and celery and making a Curried Chicken Salad out of it. I'm having a ball with this!! In addition to some mighty good eats!!

===================================================(next day)

Ah, dear son should be home soon. He's staying late today at the convention to help clean up. I've missed him and can't wait to see him. :mrgreen:

I made more chicken-based soup today...YUM! I think I over-salted it a little bit in the bowl of it I made, so I left some of the broth for now and will just add some water, cream, and more chicken to it. There are still a few veggies in there, so with my nightly avocado/tomato/red onion salad with my NEW homemade mayo, that's it for today. I'm really getting into this keto/IF thing!! So many wonderful videos from people who have lost over 100 lbs. and more. Lots of doctors are recommending it, too, even mine. Every time I shower, I'm thrilled with the lightness of my stomach; it used to be so hard to lift, but not anymore. I can FEEL big dips in my body where fat used to be. I vividly remember how this felt when N was here in 2010 and those 93 lbs. fell off me without even trying. I remember absolutely striding across the parking lot; I used to hop up the stairs without effort or strain. This is the end of my search for how that happened. When I'd get off work, N would be on me like a crow on a June bug, wanting me to come and get him from wherever, telling me "let's go DO something!", and off we'd go. I was eating a low carb diet (as best I could at the time) and I was doing a sort of Intermittent Fasting. I thought it was only about the food. It isn't. And I am thrilled with this empowerment once again, but it's not tangled up with someone else. This time the power (and the choice) is all mine. And it feels SO GOOD!

In 2010, I also felt "loved" and like I belonged somewhere, was not stressed at all, and in fact was blissfully happy, which lowered my cortisol levels and thereby my insulin levels and thereby allowed my body to start burning up/using up my stored fat. I've also LET GO of MD nearly a year ago, further lowering my cortisol (stress hormone) levels. Puzzle piece after puzzle piece are falling into place! And I CHOOSE to not go see MD even now (especially now!!) because I know good and well that she'd do whatever she could to sabotage me in this. My successes have always urged her on to undermine me with something, ANYTHING! She won't get a chance to do so this time!!!!!!! :P

I also did LOTS of gardening work today: weedeating those nasty little goat-head weeds before they get away from me, pulling taller weeds from the soil, too, and improving my WOW view outside. I have a LOT more to do, but at least I made a good-sized dent in it today. In addition, I prepped RB#2 for the onions bulbs and carrots, and I also planted chives, garlic chives, and Italian Sweet Basil and rearranged the top two tiers of my grow lights, and may just get the first of my tomatoes planted tonight, along with parsley, thyme, and cilantro. If not, by tomorrow for sure. All that activity sort of pooped me out.

I'd better go eat now. Soup is ready, and I can make my favorite salad in a jiffy. But it's 6pm now and my eating window will be closing soon. I won't be eating again until 2pm tomorrow, so I need to make sure to eat a nice amount of fat to tide me over. I'm a little hungry right now.

{{{{{Fleur and there!}}}}} :mrgreen:

Honeybera

Fleur
Member
Posts: 12235
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:14 pm

Hello Honeybera


Great positive post to read

Hope your son arrived home full of tales from afar (well, away from home, smile)

Epsom Salts is a great gardening helper. For desirable plants, in the soil and around the roots. For killing weeds, mixed with vinegar and dishwashing detergent to be sprayed on only the unwanted plants. The detergent needs to be environment friendly. The internet has various recipes and ways to use in the garden (might help deter pests; we used to sprinkle Epsom salts and talc on paper, then put jams etc on that in cupboard to stop ants)

Glad your Mayo was so easy and delicious

You're discovering new taste sensations as you develop your preferred cooking styles

Have read a few authors in the web warning against consuming soy, along with other items. Home cuisine can be altered to suit. Fabulous that your WOE is based on YOU, no-one else


Bye for now
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest