Not sure if I should be here..

[Ghosts]

Hi,

This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, even now as I'm finally plucking up the courage to speak up, I still feel like an imposter.

I go through cycles, where I know what happened to me was wrong and I can see the damage it has cause me, especially in recent years. But then I'm thrown back into believing that it was all my fault, that I wanted to it to happen and that I liked it. Until I realise in complete shock all over again that I was too young to want or like anything that happened to me.

I've even made myself feel guilty, like I'm blaming someone for something that was my fault, convincing myself that it wasn't their fault, he wasn't much older than me, only four years.. It can't really have been abuse.

I try to reason with myself, reminding myself that I was 8, he was 12. He had an idea at least of what he was doing, and he did it anyway. He threatened me, manipulated me and made me feel like it was my idea. He did it so well that even now, years later I live in a constant state of uncertainty.

I just need some reassurance.. Am I in the wrong? Am I justified to feel this way? Or am I just a horrible person blaming someone for something that was my fault?

I just feel so lost, empty and hopeless all the time.

If anyone can relate, please help me, I need to know if I am justified to feel abused, because right now I just feel like an awful person.

[coconuts]

What you write sounds very familiar to what others have shared.

Many people who are abused take responsibility even though it was never their fault. I think it's a way we try to find answers.

Point is, you are right. You were a child. He was older than you and used manipulation and threats to keep you silenced and to make you do what he wanted.

Sometimes when I start the self blame game I tell myself to look at a child. And ask would I blame them. Never. I blame myself but j would never blame another child.

So if you were 8 and he was 12 that would put you in second grade and him in 6th. What a huge difference. Early elementary versus middle school.

I work with children so I have that benefit of sometimes taking a step back from myself and looking at a child that age and realizing how little control they have and how much growing they still have to do.

[Serenity]

Hi Ghosts,

Welcome to isurvive. I'm glad you are here. The feelings that you are describing will probably sound very familiar to many others here. It's common for survivors to feel shame and guilt and doubt themselves. But, your feelings are valid. You were a young child. Your abuser was older than you, and old enough to know what was happening was wrong. You are not a horrible person.

With care,
Serenity

[quixote]

Ghosts,
You are not an imposter. What happened to you was not your fault. 8-year-old children don't know how to protect themselves.
quixote.

[Rosemary]

Hey, I just wanted to say that I understand. I'm going through that right now too, I think this is a good place to be. It's hard but good to start healing somewhere. For me I was 11 and he was 15. I don't know what to say really but I'm sorry you're going through that and I hope you have the opportunity to heal. Wishing you the best.

[Jonesy]

Hi Ghosts

Welcome to isurvive, I'm glad you found us and very much hope you gain the support you deserve. There are some good words here already and I agree that at 8 years old you were very much NOT to blame.

[Ghosts]

Honestly.. thank you all SO much. It has taken me a few days to process each and every response. It takes a lot of energy out me to read replies and process your responses, mainly because it's difficult to think about as I'm sure you all understand.

I was having probably one of the worst weeks of my life, and just knowing that someone or multiple someones could relate or understand has pulled me through.

I'm sure I'll have more days full of self doubt - but at least now I have this post I can return to as a constant reminder that I am supported.

I have only every voiced my past on here, so no one else in my life has a clue what happened, and the story is far more detailed than I could probably explain - but this community has helped me take the first step in truly dealing with my past and I honestly can not thank you all enough.

Peace, love and respect to you all.

Thank you. <3

[Noname]

Hi Ghosts, nice to meet you. I'm glad that the support you received here helped you through a hard week. This place has helped me through many a hard time. And you're right, there probably will be more days of self-doubt ahead. These things can't happen overnight (unfortunately), but you're among people who understand here. So many of us get it, and we're here for you.