Just saying hi

[sarahoknow]

Hi all, I'm rather nervous and unsure about everything at the moment and have never really discussed any part of what I went through before.
I was raised in a very strictly religious way by my foster aunt from the ages of 9 -17.
I'm only now beginning to think that what I went through may have been abusive in certain aspects. Its left me with so many mixed up,confusing,emotions that its been easier to just try and put it away and not think about it and pretend it didn't happen.
Its taken a while to summon the courage to even think about discussing it with anyone but hopefully I can begin to do that.
Just looking to share, heal and help.

[earthhorse]

Hi Sarahoknow,


Welcome to isurvive!

Thanks for reaching out. It takes great courage to make the first step to breaking the silence. Not being in hiding or at least having a few places where you can really be yourself is so important. The relief is tangible.

It's hard to process and release and understand the harm of child abuse. I am very sorry you are suffering now. It will take time with lots of different miles stones along the way, but healing and integrating what happened can be incredibly liberating and transformative too.


I come from a very strict and conservative catholic background and extended family. I know our experiences will probably be very different, but for me the way the religion, and my relationship with my spirit, God, and my sense of having permission to be in the world, my 'sinfulness' got mixed up with child abuse and later assaults and struggles as a result of abuse is deeply scarring and confusing. So much so that I am still finding it hard to talk or write about.

I was reading recently that there is always a ritualized element in long term patterns of child abuse. I think when religious doctrines get mixed up with that it forms a particularly powerful nexus of control and domination.

Please forgive me if I miss the mark, and disregard anything you don't find helpful. Know that you deserve every support. And I hope you will find some of what you are looking for here.

Take loving care,
EH

[sarahoknow]

Thanks EH, a lot of what you have said I can relate with completely. My whole faith and understanding of the Lord was one that I turned away from originally due to the version of God that was imposed upon me by my auntie and just about everyone else involved in the church that I came across.
My whole life from 9 -17 was dominated by my aunties rules and insistence on keeping to a 'path of rigorousness.' I believed this was Gods will and struggled to understand it. I still have problems with my faith and my relationship with the Lord and so much uncertainty with everything that happened. You are certainly right that it is hard to talk about it but hopefully I can start and make sense of it all.

[Jonesy]

Hi sarahoknow

A warm welcome to isurvive

[CloudCat]

I'm new here too, I'm also going through a lot of confusion. It's hard, but it's good you're looking for support. That's a big step!

Welcome.

[sarahoknow]

Thanks for the warm welcome Jonesy and CloudCat.
I really appreciate it.

[ajei]

It's really good to meet you sarahoknow...I look forward to seeing you around.

ajei

[earthhorse]

Hi Sarahoknow,

I just wanted to add that you are very brave to be dealing with this. And I am so glad you found a relationship to spirituality that feels true to you and allows you faith and connection to spirit greater than yourself. I think this is a huge strength and vital part of finding peace with yourself and what happened.

My whole life from 9 -17 was dominated by my aunties rules and insistence on keeping to a 'path of rigorousness.' I believed this was Gods will and struggled to understand it. I still have problems with my faith and my relationship with the Lord and so much uncertainty with everything that happened. You are certainly right that it is hard to talk about it but hopefully I can start and make sense of it all.

I wish they had not abused you this way Sarkoknow. It sounds like they gaslighted you, and hid that behind doctrine. It's form of institutional abuse too when this happens within the context of a religious community or church. I believe you can take yourself back form the harm they did, and take back what felt right and important to you. It's hard work but you are very much worth it.

Take loving care,
EH