Warm hello

[Altkt]

Hello Everyone,

I'm new and wanted to introduce myself.

I'm in my late 20s, a PhD student and therapist myself. Yet, for the past 20 years I've been in and out of therapy myself for anxiety, low mood, feelings of worthlessness, low confidence etc. Each therapist has been different, and helpful in their own way. For the past four months I've seen a new therapist after, what can best be described, as a break down following the ending of a very difficult relationship. The help I've been getting from her has been excellent, and over the past few weeks she suggested EMDR therapy.

About two weeks ago, through this therapy, memories transpired of what I can now (kind of) label as "child-on-child sexual abuse", which occurred when I was around 8 years old by a girl a year older than me, who I considered my best friend at the time. I've always been aware of the way we "played" and how it wasn't "normal". But it's only in this therapy session that I finally said what happened out loud (I've never told anyone before), and have begun to put the jigsaw pieces together. I was sexually abused. (I think! I still doubt this...) And this is likely been the largest impact of how and why I am the way I am today. There is so much doubt, not that it happened - but whether it's deemed "serious" enough.

There is a lot of information out there on the internet, I feel, for children who have been abused by adults. But I'm struggling to find anything on child-on-child, or that wasn't incestual. So, I suppose, in between my therapy sessions I want to begin to process this properly, and I'm hoping reading others' experiences and to talk to others, who may have had a similar experience, may help me understand better what happened. I still doubt, heavily, that it can be deemed sexual abuse... I suppose that's why I'm here.

So, I'm going to have a look around and join some discussions. But, if anyone can suggest a suitable board for me to talk about my experience and ask questions, please let me know?

In the meantime, thanks for having me!

Take care of yourselves,

Altkt

[Genesis]

Welcome

[Harbor]

Hi Alkt

Welcome. I think wherever you identify is appropriate. You were a child when the abuse occurred. I think that there is room to consider that your friend may have been abused and that influenced her behaviour with you. It may not matter that an adult was not directly involved with you - but that's up to you to decide.

[Altkt]

Thank your for the welcome, Harbor and Genesis.

Yes, Harbor, that's my understanding/conclusion too. How a 9 year old girl can do some of the things she did, not only to me, but my younger brother and other friends of ours - as well as other things she told me. I think it's highly likely, sadly, she was abused too.

For a long time I never termed it "sexual abuse"; I blamed myself for what was just "unusual" play that I didn't want, but felt I had to take part in or I'd lose my friend. Now, I'm starting to, potentially, see that - I was so young, I was bullied into "playing" that way, and whilst I don't blame her, necessarily - her dominant bullying has had a lasting effect, and that dynamic led to sexual play that at many times I did not want but felt pressured to take part in.

Sorry - a longer response than I realised. Does any of that make sense?

Altkt

[Genesis]

This makes a lot of sense. I am sorry this happened to you.

When I first joined this forum I was in tears reading others’ posts because I found people like me. I didn’t know there were others suffering the same as me. I’ve always felt “different” my whole life. It’s so nice to have others who can relate to what I’m going through.

I hope you find the support you need here. I’m glad you joined.

[Altkt]

Thank you so much Genesis. That means a lot. Not that I "hope" other people have felt/experienced the same - but I do hope I can find people with similar experiences to mine, possibly - because right now I feel so completely alone in them. Which makes me doubt if it was really that bad? Did it even happen? Do I deserve to be here? (Echoing everyone else's sentiment).

It means a lot that you reached out. Thank you. And I'm glad you joined too

Altkt

[Jonesy]

Hi Altkt

A warm welcome to isurvive

[Magpie]

Hello and welcome,

I can totally relate to the words you write in this post. I too deemed my abuse “unusual play” for many years. I am now in my late 30’s and only just starting to come to terms with the fact that the “game” I was asked to play was not right and was for the abusers sexual pleasure. I too felt pressured into doing so, and this was my sibling.

As I understand it, and please if anyone disagrees or sees it in a different way, but-sexual abuse is when someone forces or coerces the other person into watching, taking part in or any other sexual act. Which can be contact or no contact to the other person. It can also be an adult, an older or younger child.

I like you, too question whether what happened to me warrants me joining here, or speaking out, or being so affected by it. My experiences are no where near as harrowing as some of them I have read. But, nonetheless our experiences are valid, and if we don’t have the conversations about them, things will not change, and we cannot learn from it.

You are brave, much like all of those who have taken that step to disclose and talk about what happened.

I wish you love & light x

[Altkt]

Hello Magpie,

Thank you for your reply - that actually meant a lot to me, and in just sharing that, I feel a little less alone and isolated. I read your own welcome post and can very much resonate with the jigsaw pieces slotting together?

Although I've always been aware that the enforced "play" or "games" I had when I was 8-11 years old were not "right"; something I "shouldn't speak about", it was only a few months ago in therapy I identified what an effect it had on me. When I was a child, I learned at the time to be complicit, to do whatever my "friend" wanted, otherwise I'd be alone. She was my closest friend (and sadly, I imagine, abused too), but she was also my bully. I was tormented for years between not wanting to be alone, but not wanting to engage in "play" that often felt wrong. If I didn't she'd isolate me, bully me, be cruel to me, or worse, ignore me. Much of it sounds like a domestic abusive relationship. And I was 8?

Since saying it out loud to my therapist, and the other day titling it as "sexual abuse", I can see now how this dynamic as a child has been the blue print for so, so many of my subsequent relationships. My inability to put myself first, and always seek to please others (for fear that if I disappoint them, they'll reject me and I'll "be alone"). It feels just like jigsaw pieces coming together, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have done. I can also see why I sometimes crave, but detest, my own company. I feel safe, but so terribly lonely. I can see why I've always felt I have this constant underlying anxiety - a baseline, and any other significant events, actually, I cope with well because I've learned from a young age how to box off to cope with extremely distressing emotions. Stress is a constant for me - I'm used to it - it's the norm. But, whenever the cycle of "do/be what they want, even if if you don't like it, or you'll be alone" plays out in a present day relationship - I'm an absolute wreck - I can't cope.

However, in between therapy sessions, I still doubt it. The abuse (I believe - maybe I've blocked it out), was never penetrative, so was it really that severe? We were children, maybe I'm imagining it? Maybe I wanted it, and I'm just telling myself I didn't out of guilt/shame for doing it? Maybe it's my fault, and I'm to blame for it happening because I was suggestive, some how? etc.etc.

I feel like I can't tell many others, because they'll tell me what I experienced was just two children experimenting, exploring, nothing to be upset at. But, when I look back, I felt trapped. I was stuck in what felt like a cycle of abuse, doing things I didn't want to do, for fear I'd loose my one and only friend. I have this vague recollection of mustering up the courage to tell her, I didn't want to play "that game" today, and she got so angry. She refused to speak to me for such a long time. And I missed my friend and felt "bad" for saying no, for disappointing her, for causing that rejection. So eventually, after much begging, was she my friend again, and slowly but surely, the cycle continued.

I can't get over the feeling that this really "wasn't *that* bad", and I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to call it abuse. The way I am, isn't because of something that happened to me when I was a child, it's because I'm generally defected, unpleasant, "bad", "unworthy" etc. etc.

I'm sorry - this became some-what of a ramble - but has been very cathartic for me.

[Magpie]

Your honest and heartfelt reply, as like many others on here makes me strengthen my faith in humans again, so thank you. I’ve shed a little tear, but in a happy way that also makes me feel like I am not alone anymore, and that is very comforting and life saving some days.

I too constantly question back and forth whether what happened was abuse, and the only reason why I have to recognise that it was is that like me too things that have happened in my life, and the way I am and the choices I have made, I believe are a result of the abuse. I’m not blaming, or excusing things, but it’s an understanding and the knowledge that there is much more damage than a lot of people realise, as to how abuse affects a child and into adulthood. I also believe my sibling went through something to have got me to play a “game” in a sexual
way-I cannot ever think of tricking a child or someone into playing a game for sexual pleasure. That part still haunts me as to why it happened and what makes someone do that. But, I might never get those answers.

Talk as you have, research like me, have conversations, like we all do-I feel like we have to in order to change society. taking about it might prevent just one, one child from being abused in this world and that is an amazing thing-something good coming out of something so awful in people’s lives.

Your experiences are valid.

Love & Light x