I'm in my 40s, but I still feel like I'm quickly growing up and making up for lost time.
Here I am—living in a totally different life than 20 or even 10 years ago.
10 years ago, I closed the door (both metaphorically and literally) upon my father. It started a domino effect of me standing up to abusive behavior in my entire family of origin.
Sometimes I miss my parents, but overall my childhood feels removed right now...like it was just a television show or story about someone else. After years of working on healing, I'm starting to feel like me again...or perhaps for the first time I feel like me? I'm finally laughing and being silly and my chest doesn't feel tight all the time.
I went through a lot as a kid... Family kidnapping, beatings, being used, emotional incest, fearing for my life, and regular bouts of being called all kinds of horrible things. I could have let it all go and forgiven and "forgotten" it completely...I nearly did...but the crap continued well into my adulthood.
When I became pregnant with my daughter, I decided my husband and my future child needed me more than I needed to be a "good" daughter/sister, and I deserved to be treated like a person. If I had continued to focus on trying to please my family of origin, I'd probably not continue to exist—or I'd just continue the cycle of dumping toxic garbage on the ones who actually need you.
I find I am getting braver each year I am away from them. I want to be strong and in control in the right ways, and I want to forgive myself (and seek help) for times I cannot. I do it all for my little family. Our child depends on me. My husband is a brilliant person who treats me with respect and kindness (but make not mistake, the man knows how to speak up
)...That is real love—the kind you mutually feed and nourish—not expect. It is very powerful. I am learning and getting to know who I am. It is funny how we totally don't when we are under someone's abuse. For years, my mind spoke to me with my parents' harsh words. Now, I start to understand how I tick, and I learn to live in my skin.
I can be funny, passionate and creative. I can also be sensitive (taking stuff personally and not properly mastering stories), off, and a grouch.
Self-awareness, self-awareness, self-awareness. That is my mantra. I don't just rope me in. I also forgive me and take care of me. When I am kind to me, I have kindness to give. Despite the crap drilled into me about "not being a wimp" and "not being lazy" I try to listen to my mind and body and respect both.
If I hurt? I take a painkiller and/or do stretches...or take a hot bath. If I am tired? I rest. If I need a break from being a mom/wife? I take a night out with friends. I try not to forget how to be silly. So many women do, but a sense of humor and letting ourselves get caught in joy (even in sad or scary times) can really make life so much more bearable. This keeps my temper in check and it keeps my head on my shoulders. I will not be the worst of any of my parents or the creeps they married.
I have done therapy over the years. It is not a cure—just one path of many to healing...and I've come to realize that everything I do will not erase what has been done. It's part of me. I must be kind to the past me—even the one that has made mistakes. At the same time, I'm so, so much more than my past. That is who I want most people to see.
Right now, I'm working on healing my body from generations of emotional eating and using food as bribery/coping. Looking at other ways to feel and show love than eating sugar and processed foods all the time. I have started cooking us dinner every night. This heals our bodies and is kinder to our budget—even when we eat better food. It's a bit of a chore, but it feels good. I always did love baking!
I love to run, oh—how I love to run! Some people think I do it to make me "skinny." Nope. Never lost weight running, and really? We are beautiful in all forms—slender, curvy, and in between. Being active just makes me feel better. When I run, I feel free. My mind can go on complete autopilot or I can focus thinking about the worst things and let my legs rage out. I call it running my demons away. Tomorrow I will have run my 28th distance race. 5 miles in the rain!
I love to hike, too. The quiet of nature settles my soul. I feel small and yet a big part of the beautiful world.
I have started to share a bit of this with my child, and my husband is coming along with us, too. It is beautiful to see our child gain strength and confidence...enjoying things that make her feel good and are good for her.
Our child trusts me and is growing into a beautiful strong young lady. That brings me most peace. I love her no matter what, though. She is not mine to keep nor an extension of me. I am just here to guide her until she's ready for those "training wheels" to come off and she rides her life path on her own.
I do my best to honor her childhood by guiding her gently—teaching her to speak up—but also teaching her to be thoughtful of others and well grounded. I wish my parents and even my grandparents had been given that kind of love when they were children. Our family would probably be so much better connected.
But we can't choose the way our worlds work, can we? We have to take what we are given and build our present...and be the best we can be with what we have. This is why I feel compassion and love to my family of origin, but I will never let them be in a position where they can hurt me or the people who depend on me again—even if it means I never see them again in my lifetime.
It is hard (especially during these holidays), but it gets easier with years. I am starting to feel like a piece of broken glass in the ocean smoothing out.
As James Wright said in the end of his poem, "The Blessing":
"Suddenly I realize
That if I stepped out of my body I would break
Into blossom."
++ Healing, peace, and love. ++
And thank you so, so much for sharing. It gives me hope.