Constant state of unrest

[Igotthis]

I'm somewhat new to the "healing process" as it's only been a few weeks since I've told anyone about my CSA. But since Sept 8th, I've been living in a constant state of unrest. I'm not sure if it's anger, annoyance, depression, or just living in a fog, but I can't seem to snap out of it. It's hard to be the caregiver for my children when they're home from school because I feel like I'm just going through the motions for them, but I'm no longer enjoying their presence. When my husband is home from work, I just want to be left alone, but he's wanting to offer support and having a hard time figuring out how (probably because I"m pushing him away). I always want to be alone...maybe to wallow in my grief? Even if I can get my mind off of things, it somehow finds its way back and I feel even worse.

Please tell me it gets better!

[Harmony]

Hi Igotthis,

There is a reason is it is called a healing process. It can't be rushed. Everyone is different. If you try to rush it no progress is made due to more PTSD. It isn't fast. It isn't easy. It certainly isn't fair. It isn't pretty. It is totally worth it. Everything even your physical health can improve once you clean things up within. There is a reason people resist facing their abuse. Some want to forget and carry on. What isn't dealt with can cause inner harm. PTSD while it is under the umbrella of mental health isn't really an illness perse. It is the reaction to harm to you not by you. Remember there is a reason you feel this way. No one would chose this. That is why I believe you and every survivor here.

with care,
Harmony

[Harbor]

Hi igotthis

You are doing some serious emotional heavy lifting - anyone would be taxed by this work. You are strong. You had to be to even begin this process. It will be hard, and it does get better as you process things through.

When my partner is overwhelmed, I help by making sure the kids get what they need. I handle the difficult stuff with the kids so that their interactions with my partner are smooth and easy. Perhaps you could work that out, giving your husband a way to support you and your kids a way to connect with you. I'm betting that you chose a resilient husband and that you have resilient kids. If we all strove to give our kids a healthier emotional life than we had, the world would be a better place.

[Igotthis]

Harmony,
Thank you for such great words of wisdom. I know I have to go through all this to make it out the other side, but I guess I fear that it will never end. The last month has been hard and I'm having difficulty seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I got very good about forgetting and moving on...until I couldn't silence my memories anymore. Thank you for believing me and being in my cheering section.

Harbor,
Again, thank you for your words of wisdom. Hearing that it gets better is reassuring and it helps to know that others have survived this entire process. My husband has definitely stepped up and is helping with a lot more than I imagined. The toughest time is from 2:30 when the kids step off the bus, until 6:30 when he gets home. Those 4 hours are the hardest part of my day. I have to hold in the tears, fake a smile for them, and go on like nothing has changed. They're not old enough to understand, so I'm hiding it as best as I can from them but I do have a feeling they know something is up.


I have my second appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so hopefully I can share these feelings with her. Thanks for listening.

[flowermelt]

Hi igotthis, i can totally relate to your situation. It's only been a few days since expressing my SA and i'm going through some strange emotions and feeling hot and cold. I'm completely the same and want to be on my own and bit more often than usual. I don't think solitude is a bad thing, i think being alone is when we can really learn more about ourselves and really help us to heal as we get time to identify what is causing us pain and around other people we can't really do that as we end up getting wrapped up in their situations and pushing our own situations in the back of our mind.

Yesterday was a bad bad day for me. I felt tightness in my stomach, i felt dizzy, tired, restless, anxious... i felt every king of negative emotion a person could feel both physically and mentally. When I started work i really thought i was going to vomit everywhere. I also heard a lot of bad news yesterday about my family (there was a burglary, police etc) so that really added to it.

However today I am feeling much better. Relieved, motivated, positive, calm, relaxed, like a weight has been lifted off my heart. Who knows, maybe tomorrow i will feel the same negativeness that i felt yesterday. Recovery is such a temperamental process and i understand that all these feelings, both negative and positive, are all apart of that process. I just want to say that i am going through the exact same thing as you, and you are totally not alone! I think we should both be really proud of ourselves for the steps we are taking, and i'm here to give you all the support and kindness that you need! What we are doing is amazing, and no matter how bumpy the road of recovery is going to be, i think we got this! You got this!!!

Love flowermelt xxx