Afraid i will never heal

[Lena]

Hello Everyone

I'm new here and just wanted to say hi. I am a single mother of four kids and live in an isolated area with very little resources or specialized supports/therapies. General therapists are all that i can access really and i have come to realize in the last year, that my issues as a result of my abuse are complex and would need specialized or understanding therapy. and i have now have run out of funding so have no therapist at present.

For about 35 years i managed to live a normal enough life,i was even a youth worker for twenty of those years. but in the last 8 years i have deteriorated a lot and find copping with life extremely hard. I am currently unemployed suffering from extreme anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I cannot escape anymore and have stopped trying to fill the void or ease the pain by being in bad relationships or pushing my childhood away.

So i find myself somewhere at the start i guess, while my whole life has been shadowed by my childhood. It is now center stage. I'm scared all the time that i will never get past this. Most importantly at 43 years of age i have no idea who i really am. I feel like I've been in a fog for years. And now i'm not even sure i ever really knew myself.

My ex husband is my only constant support and i try not to over burden him now. As he had to step up so many times and is, i am sure, exhausted. When i started to deal with my childhood and the issues i'm left with, i lost most connections. My family cannot help as we all had the same abusive household and they do not talk about it. I also realized how superficial my few friendships were. I have been in bad relationships, i realize now because i felt so alone and unlovable. i was always the carer in the relationships and somehow sought out damaged needy men. The last of these ended three months ago and this time i cannot fake happiness or capability enough to get into a new one, which i am glad of, as i so want to be alone until i am healed, So i am really isolated now.
My abuse was mostly emotional and neglect by mostly i mean that was the daily norm. But it was a violent household also and i was physically hurt on occasions. I also have some sexual abuse memories, but they are buried more deeply than the others.

I am here because i need to stop feeling so alone that is the thing that frightens me the most. My most recent psychologist seemed to think that all i had to do was think about my abuse and then once id felt the pain of it again a few times and released it, that i should be fine. But honestly i just feel re traumatized and pathetic for not being able to move on.
This is probably a very long winded hello. But thank you for accepting me into the group.
Lena

[iwillthrive]

Lena,

Welcome to isurvive. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am so sorry for all the reasons you find yourself here but glad that you are reaching out for support. You will find lots of it here.

Take care. iwillthrive

[Jonesy]

Hi Lena

A warm welcome from me too - glad you found us and hope you will quickly feel at home.

[Ashia]

Hi Lena

Welcome to isurvive. I hope you find all the support and caring you are looking for.

With caring
Ashia

[Lena]

Thank you all.

[Orchid]

(((((((Lena))))))),

You speak to my heart. You are not alone. I'm so happy you found the strength to reach out. I feel very similar to you. I think you should be proud of yourself for being able to put your feelings into words, I can't do that yet.

I hope you find some support here....I have.

- orchid

[Lena]

Thank you all again
Thank you orchid. I sometimes find it very hard to find the words. I mix the present with the past a lot. I feel like a helpless lost child most of the time trying to deal with adult life. Then I inevitable fail. I know what happened to me was wrong and not my fault. But my head and emotions can't seem to escape the pain. It's like I'm trapped there. Even though I know it was wrong and not my fault. I'm still lost.
Its the hardest thing in the world to explain to people.
Lena

[Orange Sycamore]

Hi Lena

Just wanted to say hi and also that you are not alone, youwere not to blame and you can heal.

I think people here will understand.

Nice to see you here

OS

[Lena]

Thank you orange sycamore
To be honest I've had a few rough days were i feel completely alone.
lena

[Nature]

You're not alone- while we all may be struggling separately and in different parts of the world, we struggle together. We are all forever joined, and can draw strength from each other. We are here with you. I am listening.