why this new desire now?

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wolfspirit
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Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by wolfspirit » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:28 am

Thank you, Jitterbug :)
I am terrified of finding and having a close friend. The last couple of weeks, I have spent some time with two people who have offered to hang out in the last six months (I put those off until now).

The first one is wonderful. She is quite a lot younger than me, though. And she shared that she is moving away. We connected on a childhood family-life level.
I started to really open up to her, and then she told me that she's probably not going to be around for long.
I cried on my way home from our coffee date. It always seems to happen to me.
Maybe she won't move...

The second person is a lot of fun to be around. We make each other laugh. I don't feel as comfortable around her as I do the other person though.

I talk to my T about them. She says that there are different types of friendships. Not everyone will be my closest confidante.
I understand.

I just don't want to love and care for someone and then lose them. I know that's limiting my scope of friendship but I'm still not strong enough to handle more loss.

Thank you again for your kind words. My desire for a friend in 3D will not go away, so I will need help in figuring out how to keep going.
Share with me any stories you have about your friendships. Anything. I learn a lot from others' reflections and experiences.

hugs,

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

Jitterbug
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Posts: 1382
Joined: Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:51 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by Jitterbug » Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:10 am

((((((( wolfspirit ))))))

So brilliant to read that you have been reaching out to potential friends. Starting to make those bonds. I agree with your T re there being different kinds of friendships, some being for light relief, others for support, sharing deeper more sensitive parts of ourselves. While it is great to have closer friends on our doorsteps and I think I have always needed that too, I also hold on to the friends that move away, if the friendship means enough. A number of my friends live away, but we still maintain our closeness - some by regular contact and visits. Other, more established friends we connect when we can & are able to just slide straight back in to our friendships. I can completely understand your distress on learning that your new friend may be moving away, but it doesn't have to be another loss. She sounds like she might have been trying to prepare you for that separation, which shows a degree of understanding of your needs. I guess time will tell. Just don't lose faith. Or belief in yourself as a valuable friend to have and hold onto.

My last thoughts are 1) That some friendships take time to be able to come into being. I have a friend locally whom the moment we met, I felt a kinship. Through circumstances (in her life mostly as it turned out - a controlling partner), it took us some time to get to a place where our friendship could grow into something more real and cement. Now we are extremely close and hugely co-supportive (and she has finally been able to leave that partner. :) ). 2) Is that friends can pop up in the most unusual or unexpected of circumstances. I remember joining a company, years back, starting their induction training, feeling very grumpy about having to work for this company & actually telling myself I wouldn't be making any friends because I had enough (oh, my arrogance!) and I didn't want to get attached to working there. First day of induction & in walked someone who has turned out to be one of my longest, dearest friends. The click was instant. I couldn't fight it. ( :mrgreen: )

I hear your fear and understand it and how powerful it can be, but, truly, ws, there are many people out there whom you can trust, who won't leave you and who will love having you in their life, just as I am loving having 'met' you too. Finding them may take time, but it is a worthy endeavour.

I believe in you.

Jitterbug

iwillthrive
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Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:34 am

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by iwillthrive » Thu Mar 22, 2018 3:21 pm

Being vulnerable can really suck. But it’s the only way we can connect with others. Our vulnerabilities are what make us so loveable. As a child it was dangerous for us to be vulnerable. As an adult it is what makes us compassionate, loveable humans.

I struggle allowing people to be close because I feel like I don’t deserve friendship. I doubt if I’m loveable. I have one friend with whom I have been friends since we were 10. She knows me better than anyone. I have other friends that have come and gone. They were what I needed at the time. I have recently allowed myself to connect with another person and she is turning out to be a dear friend too. Just sort of took the leap.

It’s courageous of you to take the risk. I see a lot of determination in you. Wishing you lots of peace. iwt
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Jitterbug
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Posts: 1382
Joined: Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:51 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by Jitterbug » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:07 pm

iwt, you are so definitely loveable and worthy of many great friends too. Just saying. Hope that's OK? x

Couragetoday
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Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:31 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by Couragetoday » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:09 pm

Hi wolfspirit,

I admire how you are looking at a balance of honouring this desire for a close friendship,
But mindful also of effects of coping with a potential loss.

It is scary, and brave, opening your heart up to another, not knowing the outcome.

Reading along,offering support and caring.

Couragetoday

wolfspirit
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Posts: 1529
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by wolfspirit » Fri Mar 23, 2018 4:08 am

Thank you to my isurvive siblings. :)
Your thoughts and advice lift me up.
I don't know if I will ever know how to be a friend, but I'll keep trying.
I've never felt like I fit in anywhere, you know?

Even today, during my all-day meeting at work with 30 other people, I realized a few hours into it that I hadn't contributed to any of the collaboration or discussion. I was more distracted by taking in and integrating the noise of all of the voices smashing together. I ended up using ear plugs from my bag.
Mentally, I tried to detach myself from the whole group discussion as what I was thinking was not in line with what everyone else was saying. I decided that it wasn't worth the push-back.
After lunch, I tried to sit in on another collaborative task. Everyone was talking over each other, there wasn't any space for me to sit, and once again, I found myself not caring at all about the goal.
So I left the group and did my own thing across the room. When the facilitator came by to check on the status of the discussion, she didn't question why I was excluding myself. I guess it's just a given at this point. Or maybe my boss will hear about it.

I've brought this feeling of "different" up with my T many times. She tells me that it is part of the healing process to learn how to think of myself as someone who can fit in. Someone comfortable being in a group and maintaining my own identity.
She's told me that my F taught me that I was different so that I would remain isolated and disconnected from others. That protected his secrets and made me more dependent on him.

There seems to be a long road ahead before I will have a close friend. Maybe I'll get there, and maybe I won't. I just know that the desire for friendship isn't going away. I'm glad I have you to listen and offer support. I really am.

hugs,

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

Jitterbug
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Posts: 1382
Joined: Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:51 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by Jitterbug » Fri Mar 23, 2018 9:35 am

Hi ws,

That group collaborative meeting sounded tough and like it was too overwhelming for you to be able to contribute - particularly if the voices and noise of all those people was so triggering that you needed to block it out. That was not your failing. That was too big an ask for you given where you are with your healing. If it is any consolation, I have had that too. It's about taking it in manageable steps, I think. Relating to, & being with, people in comfortable non triggering ways - i.e. one to one or much smaller groups. Then you hopefully will feel less paralysed or overwhelmed. I completely get that feeling of "different" and I think what your T describes as it's origins is absolutely spot on. This is what was trained into you. I feel it all the time too. Trust me, friends will come. This meeting was not a reflection on that journey.

I hope that offers you some comfort. (I'm sorry if it does not)

Warm caring to you, my friend,

Jitterbug

iwillthrive
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Posts: 1244
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:34 am

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by iwillthrive » Fri Mar 23, 2018 12:59 pm

ws,

Reading your words just made so much sense to me. I don’t do well in noisy loud groups. I am hyper focused on sounds and it makes me feel crazy. I especially can’t stand the sounds of wrappers being crinkled, chip bags being opened, plastic bags being crinkled, and pens being clicked. I get this overwhelming feeling to hit the person making the noise. My T says there is a connection to the noises. Don’t yet know what that is.

I don’t contribute in group situations very well. I can’t think on my feet. I might think of something later that I should have said but it’s too late. I never thought of my inability to handle group settings as what your T described. It makes so much sense. I’m sorry you struggle with that but I’m glad you shared your experience here. Just gave me some real insight into my own behavior. I hope we both learn to tolerate those types of settings. Never have to like them but just tolerate would be a good goal for us both.

For what it’s worth I think you would make an amazing friend. You are thoughtful and caring and your insights are deep and meaningful. I e said it before and I’ll say it again - I am honored to call you my friend.

Take gentle care of yourself. iwt
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

wolfspirit
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Posts: 1529
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by wolfspirit » Sat Mar 24, 2018 4:17 am

iwt, jitterbug, Ct,
Thank you for being here, encouraging me.
Jitterbug, I do much better in smaller groups, for sure. But even then, I feel "different".
One on one is usually okay for communication, but I get so over analytical about what I'm saying or doing that I can only stay for an hour or so. I don't want to make them uncomfortable or start feeling the anxiety of knowing someone.
Whenever someone starts to express interest in my life, I literally feel my stomach flipflop. I get a rush of anxiety. I want to leave and run. It is so lame.
I try to push through it, now that I'm working on being a friend.
This lady yesterday at the gym asked me what my name was and she was smiling at me. The stomach thing happened. I was worried that she was going to ask me more questions. So I told her my name, and then I went to my own spot in the room.
Your suggestion about taking it in small steps is a really good way for me to think about it. Small steps. Short encounters.
Thank you :)

iwt,
I think those sounds that bother you are the same as fingernails on a chalkboard. I hate them. Maybe because they are non-melodic? They aren't fluid I guess? I can totally see myself hitting or pushing the source of a sound like that.
I am extra sensitive to sound. Certain ones will always trigger me. My reaction will change, I hope. :(
I'm so honored that you consider me a friend. I'm lucky to have you.

I consider you all my real friends, even though I may never meet you in 3D. You've made me feel safe and cared for, and I need that.
So...now you can't leave me! :lol:

Happy weekend!
hugs,

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

Jitterbug
Member
Posts: 1382
Joined: Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:51 pm

Re: why this new desire now?

Post by Jitterbug » Sat Mar 24, 2018 4:48 am

We won't!! xx

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