why this new desire now?

[wolfspirit]

I want a friend and it scares me. I've been feeling this desire for most of my life.
I know that the fear comes from having to trust someone to be a friend. Trust that there won't be any abandonment or loss.

Growing up, I went to eleven different schools in six different states of the U.S. until I was 16.
I was never allowed to experience a lasting relationship with anybody my age. I remember staring out the car window at my neighborhood and silently saying goodbye to the friends I had made and would never see again. Over and over.
Don't bother being a friend to anyone because it will hurt when you leave.
Don't share anything personal, it doesn't matter.
Don't tell anyone you care or love them.
Don't fool yourself into thinking someone else can care for you. They don't know who you are.

He wanted it that way. What if I told someone that my father would punish me for some perceived sin by whipping and then sexually assaulting me every couple of weeks?
His facade of a god-fearing minister would shatter. So he ran when we would all get comfortable and connected after a little while. He needed to "grow in God" and move on.

So, now I am half way or more through my life, and I have had two good friends. They are gone now. I haven't had a close friend in more than 15 years.
I want one. But I know that when and if I find a friend, the feelings of companionship and trust will change. It might be a week, or a month, or a year, but it will end.
So why do I want that?

I have learned why I am the way that I am.
I have learned how to control a flashback's feelings and ground myself.
I have learned to reach out for help and keep carrying on through the darkness and pain.
My T has taught me to trust again.

Now that I have reached this place of strength, the desire for a friend has grown stronger.
I don't like it.
Why do I feel this even though I know I don't have the skills for having a real friendship?
It's a new, different feeling of vulnerability.
I try and ignore it but it just comes back.

ws

[Shirley]

Hi wolfspirit,
I know exactly what you mean I know it hurts . Those words really resonated with me as though I could have written them. I understand.
I lost my Bestfriend last year because my issues and unraveling was everything she hated in me and was the reason she threw me out of her life. Like I was nothing at all. I also understand the abandonment thing I get feeling of that a lot. I don’t know why we long for that companionship I think it just comes from the heart I guess.

But you have a virtual friend here if you like..

Peace

Shirley

[iwillthrive]

Wolfspirit,

I hear your pain in your words. Humans are designed to connect with others. It’s natural for you to want a friend. You sound like an amazing person to me. I know it’s not the same as a 3D friend, but I’m joining shirley in offering my friendship here. In fact, I’m honored to call you my friend.

iwt

[wolfspirit]

Shirley,
Thank you for your friendship. I’m gladly accepting it.

iwt,
I started to cry when I read your kind words.
I need friends, and I’m grateful to be yours.

ws

[iwillthrive]

ws,

I believe The Beatles had it right when they sang the words “I get by with a little help from my friends”.

iwt

[wolfspirit]

iwt,
I love that song.

ws

[Shirley]

Hi ws,
Thank you for accepting. I feel lucky to have you as my friend. After ready your post our stories are so similar and I’m sorry for what happened to you. I feel the same way as you.

Shirley

[wolfspirit]

shirley,
Thank you for the compassion. I am still grieving the loss of my childhood, but it helps tremendously to know that other survivors lost theirs and are still happy and strong.

survivor siblings <3

ws

[Shirley]

Thanks ws

Shirley

[Jitterbug]

Hi Wolfspirit,

I've been reading your incredibly helpful, caring and wise posts on others' threads, thinking to myself what a great soul you are. You deserve much love from friends that you can trust. They are out there, I am sure and who wouldn't want to be your friend? I see what a great friend you are to everyone here. When you are ready and feel able, put yourself gently out there. I see someone skilled in communication, with honesty and integrity. A good potential friend will respond to those qualities in you and together you will find a way of building trust. That is my hope for you.

Here supporting you & appreciating you.

Jitterbug