What will happen?

[Ashia]

Hi wolfspirit

I hear how hard all this is for you. The uncertainty of how long your T will be gone adds layers on to the abandonment feelings. You mentioned journalling and reading it to your T each session. If it's helpful, you could share your words here. You'll always be listened to here. You're not too much for here. You can be exactly as you are here.

With caring
Ashia

[wolfspirit]

Thank you, Ashia. <3

[wolfspirit]

I talked with my T at my last session about what I'm feeling about her being gone for much longer than usual.
I shared my feelings of abandonment, my feelings of attachment to her, and how I'm scared of losing her.
I've already told her many times that it is a horrible feeling to be attached to a person who is in a mother/mentor role, since my own mother was never available to me during my childhood. I know it will end and I will be hurt.

She is taking time off because she needs to. I understand that with my brain, but not my heart.

My T has helped me feel what sharing of myself can be like.
I now know what sympathy feels like and how horrible the abuse was. I know what validation and complete acceptance of my truth feels like. I think of her as a mother.

But she's not my mother. I am just her client. Words on her appointment book that she can erase.
I don't mean anything past what her professional responsibilities dictate.
She's good at what she does, so that I can feel those feelings and know that I deserve that. But not from her.

It hurts me. I keep hearing these words in my head...See? You're really not important to anyone. You pay for her to make you feel that way. Like what a hair stylist or a personal trainer does. Your own parents didn't love you, why would she?

Why does this have to be so painful? Why did I let myself get so attached?
I want to run. Run deep into the forest and die where no one would find me.
But I can't. Then my husband and kids would lose their home and health insurance. My two girls would be so hurt that it would take them years to trust again.
I'm trapped. Trapped between the pain I feel and the duty I have.
I can't deal with PTSD alone.
And now I don't have the person who helps me the most.
I don't think I'm ever going to be strong enough to heal.

[Ashia]

Hi wolfspirit

I'm so sorry for all the pain and abandonment feelings you're experiencing. Your words are so palpable. I do understand you feeling like you're just a client, just another job, for your T. Do you think that, maybe, you pay for her knowledge and expertise but her caring for you is free? That is what was explained to me early on with my T and it really helped me. Do disregard if it's not helpful for you.

Sitting with you, wolfspirit, and holding your hope for you. I know this is so painful but you can do it. You can heal. You have us all here supporting you along the way.

With caring
Ashia

[wolfspirit]

Thank you, again, Ashia. I will keep reading your posts because they are so helpful and comforting.
I hadn't thought of the free caring from my T. That's true. She has always been caring and kind.
I can see her face and smile in my mind. No matter how painful the processing of a memory was during our sessions, she would always make me laugh somehow. She believed that I would heal and learn how to live with the trauma. She was the first person to ever, ever see me. Little me. Adult me. Teenager me. As a mom should do.
I realize that some of my feelings are grief. I never had the mother I needed. And having a glimpse of that in my T and then not having it again is causing a lot of sadness.
I only felt suicidal for a short time today though. I'm trying to use the skills she taught me when my feelings are overwhelming.

Thank you for listening and caring and being here.

wolfspirit