New here- a bit of background

[joannahopefull]

Hello, I am new here. I am a 35 year old woman living in the UK. From my earliest years I experienced verbal emotional and occasional physical abuse from a parent. I witnessed spouse abuse againsty my mother who was terrified of our dad. I suffered years of bullying, exclusion and rejection from my peers . I also had some mild-moderate incidents of sexual abuse from various different people at different points in my childhood and teens. Even as a child I displayed self destrutive behaviours, rage, anxiety, OCD, insecurity. By time I was 16 I had developed symptoms of borderline personality disorder- diagnosed in my 20s. I have had a problem with binge eating since a very young age.

I have got to a point where I can acknowledge what happened to me were resal memories. My sister and mother who also suffered confirmed this. It happened to all 3 of us. But what I struggle with is that as an older child I was a difficult and horrible kid. I feel i deserved some of the abuse that happened to me from age 8 onwards. Not so much the stuff as a young child but the stuff later on. I must have been partly to blame. The abuse was excused as "well, you ask for it."

I hate myself I really feel I'm horrible and feel full of shame and social anxiety. I come across as bolshjy, aggressive and fiery but in relationships with tjhose around me, I am on my guard, and actually quite shy. "No one must get close to me" " they say I'm nice but I'm a fraud. dirty disgusting" are thoughts which go through my head constantly. I have hair trigger temper. Feeling people don't believe me, trust me, or are mocking me are common paranoid thoughts. I am on medication and have had some therapy but I am struggling at moment.

[recover]

hi joannahopeful,
welcome. i am sorry for all you have been through and that you are struggling. i think you will find caring and support here.
take gentle care,
recover

[Serenity]

Welcome to isurvive, joannahopefull.

I hope you will feel believed, supported, and cared for here. You are worthy.

With care,
Serenity

[joannahopefull]

Thanks. I am at a stage where I am still unsure whether I deserve love and support- my brain keeps saying I am overreacting to what happened?

[ajei]

It's good to meet you joannahopefull.

ajei

[Jonesy]

Hi joannahopefull

A warm welcome to isurvive. It's good to see you around

[Xanthia]

Hi joannahopefull,

Thinking of you today, hoping life has more positives than down times for you at present.

With care,

[quixote]

joannahopefull,
You are not overreacting. You are coming to terms with what happened to you.
quixote