Howdy...

[Nolichucky]

I guess, since I don't know where to start, I'll just jump right in and tell you about me:

Something on the order of 40 years ago I was molested by an uncle (still living) whom I looked up to. Never told anyone about it. In fact, I did my best to forget it. Now here I am with my third marriage in shambles, trying to recover from an increasingly desperate soft porn addiction and dealing with life-long (off again, on again) depression which was exacerbated by a debilitating accidental gunshot wound to my left ankle in mid-March of 2013. Kinda' feel like I've hit rock bottom.

The bright side is that I know that there's nowhere to go but up. The increasingly dark side is that I'm damned if I can figure out how to go there.

To further complicate things, I've been in my current geographical location for nearly seven years now and when I first moved here I felt more at home than I'd ever felt anywhere. In fact, for the first few years, I felt like I'd finally come home. Don't feel that way anymore... Amongst other things, "home" feels like a prison and my heart yearns for the family, friends and open country I left behind. I've lost touch with my spirituality and it feels as if I've lost my identity - I'm certainly not the same person I was seven years ago - I used to like the guy I was, but I'll admit that I don't much care for who I've become.

The hell of it is that I can't figure out how I got here. It's like I not only forgot to check my back trail, but some miserable s.o.b. swiped my road map while I was trying to find the compass I lost while crossing the creek below the bridge I couldn't find. And now - thanks to the accident I mentioned earlier - I can't even get back across the creek. I suppose I could build a boat, but I wouldn't be able to get down the bank to launch it. Nowhere to go... No way to get there. Homesick for the place that never really felt like home, but gave me my identity, pining for the identity that I lost when I came "home." Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Can't figure out how to make my wife happy anymore, can't remember the last time I knew that I was happy.

Lastly, I guess it should be mentioned that I've only recently begun to realize that the seemingly life-long self destructive cycle I've been caught up in may in fact all stem from the molestation mentioned at the beginning of this rather long winded entry. And I still can't figure out what to do about it...

At any rate, here I am and I'm grateful for the opportunity to be here. I see 2014 as a year for growth and happiness and I've got a feeling that this place might just be the catalyst I need to accomplish it.

...N...

[recover]

hi nolichucky,
really nice to meet you although sorry you need to be here too...this is a very supportive and caring place and i am glad you found us.
please share as you feel comfortable. its been a little quiet here this weekend but i am sure others will join in soon and welcome you.
i am sorry for all you have been through. do you have a therapist you are working with on this? i have found my current therapist very helpful.
please take care,
recover

[Jonesy]

Hi Nolichucky

Welcome to isurvive. Much kudos on sharing so openly in your first post.

[wings]

Welcome Nolichucky,

You've come to the right place. I hope you feel at home here very soon.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the welcome.

I guess I might as well also toss in the fact that I'm now dealing with excessive guilt because it finally occurred to me recently that an older brother of mine - a life long self-medicating alcoholic who took his own life a few years back - may indeed have been the victim of the same uncle. Of course I could be way off base, but given what I know now, everything kinda' fits together in a sort whole horrible way that it never did before. ...I just wish I could somehow turn back time and talk to him again. Especially since he's the one person I feel like I could have talked to about this...

I do have a good therapist, but due to illness and weather since just before Christmas, haven't seen them as often as I would have liked. (Which probably means that they'll really get an earful on my next visit. lol)

At any rate, thanks again for the welcome. I've already done some reading here which has proven helpful and I hope someday I can heal enough to help someone else.

...N...

[recover]

hi nolichucky,
glad you are here. feel free to write here or on anyone's threads...we are all in the same boat and just try to help each other. of course it is ok not to write but don't feel you have to be anywhere except where you are. i am sure you have a lot to offer.
i am sorry about your brother and all you have been through.
take care,
recover

[quixote]

Nolichucky,
Welcome. You might read similar things in others' posts. Things started to fit together once people recovered memories from childhood. It can be rough at first, but at least things start to make more sense.
quixote

[Nolichucky]

Thanks, recover, for the kind words and encouragement. Seems to me that I might indeed have something to offer, the problem is figuring out what it might be.

And quixote, you hit the proverbial nail on the head; It is proving to be rough at this point, but this is the most sense things have made in as long as I can remember.

I've always had a better time of things while in the great outdoors, be it in the woods, roaming the deserts and plains or canoeing some lonely watercourse. Used to be I could find some peace of mind out there. But after my accident last March, I'm no longer physically capable (at least at this juncture) of traversing any but the easiest terrain and peace of mind comes only in bits of dreamless sleep....

I regret the molestation and the adult manifestation of it, but I think the cruelest thing of all right now are the times when I dream that I am running through the wilds simply for the shear joy of it. I am haunted by the wooded ridge outside my window...

Nolichucky

[godiva]

dear nolichucky,

welcome!
i am so sorry your uncle did this to you, and sorry about what happened to your brother. i hope you find a place to share and just be yourself here. Also really glad you have a T who takes care of you.

Also hoping 2014 is an year of change for the better.

godiva

[quixote]

Nolichucky,
I understand that desire to walk in the woods. Hopefully you'll make a speedy recovery.
quixote