setting boundaries

[Osprey]

Hi folks,
I have been trying to heal from the abuse I suffered throughout my childhood for my entire life. I'm 34, was physically and emotionally abused by my mother, sexually abused by a babysitter, and generally neglected. I was rarely taken to a doctor, because I would probably have ratted my mom out. There were a couple of times where I should have been taken to the ER but instead I would be taken to my mother's mother, who was a nurse during WWII.

Childhood was miserable, teenagehood was worse, she threatened to kick me out weekly, left ads for apartments on my bed. When I eventually gathered up enough money to move as far as I could, she completely turned around and told me I was being ungrateful.

She threatened suicide constantly, and singled me out - I have three siblings and she would get them to join her in breaking me down.

I got out when I was 19, but I didn't get out without scars. In my early 20's I developed anorexia, and bipolar disorder. I am also autistic. It took me 11 years to get over anorexia, but because of that I'm left with osteoporosis and gastroparesis, so I can't eat solid food and am struggling to hold on to a healthy weight. It's like I'll never be able to escape anorexia, no matter how much I want to.

This year, I finally started making some headway, finding some success in my field, until the gastroparesis diagnosis came along and now I'm physically unable to do almost everything that gives me life.

Throughout all of this my family has been very standoffish, complaining to each other that they're so worried about me but they don't actually talk to me about it. I kept asking for help and they kept refusing. I had my mom on the phone once and she refused to talk about it. But then she turns around and tells my sister that I won't talk to her. I'm really sick, physically, and emotionally I'm not doing so well either, so I told her I need space. But when I need space from my mother, that means the rest of the family takes her side.

I haven't spoken to them for a few months now. I feel guilty. I need to be free of their drama and their refusals to help. The problem is, they have terrible boundaries. My mom has access to my bank account. She lectures me when she thinks I'm spending money inappropriately. She has taken money from me when I have owed it to her, but without my permission or knowledge. I'm currently struggling to cover an overdraft on that account so I can move elsewhere and close it.

I'm just so tired of feeling like a useless waste of space. They make it perfectly clear that living on disability is a huge fail and I'm not part of the family.

Oh yeah and my father has barely spoken to me in 8 years, since I came out as transgender.


I don't think I can make it in this world alone, but no one seems to give a crap.

[Harbor]

Hi Osprey

It seems that you have proven that you are very capable. You have been able to make it this far despite many obstacles - including family.

I wonder what value you get from maintaining contact with them? Have you considered making a pro/con list of having them in your life?

[solana]

Hi Osprey,

Welcome to isurvive.

I'm so sorry to hear of all you've endured, as well as the health issues and lack of family boundaries that you continue to face.

Personally, I found that not being a part of the family I was born into was exactly what I needed. Sometimes we need to find our own families. I'm not saying that this is necessarily the best option for you, but I hope you know that you definitely deserve to be free of their drama. I know I would feel very trapped if my mom had access to my bank account. I'm really glad to hear that you have a plan in place to close the account and move elsewhere.

It's a rough journey, but you don't have to go through it alone. You are important. I care.